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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1168
Experience:  Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
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hello there i was wondering if i can ask for some advice Me

Customer Question

hello there

i was wondering if i can ask for some advice

Me and my boyfreind have been going out a yearand a half and we were very much inlove, both never expericanced love like it before. He always said how much he loves me wants to grow old with me have babies and that i have finally found my soul mate

About 6 months ago i stared to develope some confindence issues, which i had never experiance before, not feeling like i look right, body confidence, not wanting to go out and it was really starting to effect my mood and our relationship

My boyfriend unfortcunatly doesnt have the most patience. we went away on holiday and we didnt get on for most of it because of how i was feeling.

Just before new years we split up, he had enough and it was over, i went round new years becuase i was so deperate to see him, and we creid to eachother and we said it was over. we had a couple of weeks appart and were both miserable and we decied to give it another go and i said that i would go to the doctors and start talking to someone to help with my confidence issues and he said that he loves me so much and we went to the doctors and things were starting to get sorted all i ask for my boyfriend was to not bring up any past arguement and that it was a new start for both of us.

We had a wonderful 2 weeks and things were staring to get better until he made a sacastic comment that really upset me then the next day he ended it over the phone. i was so upset on my way home i wasnt concentrating and i hit some water and my car came off the road, we came over to see if i was ok and again we creid said how much we loved eachother and that it was 'the best realtionship he has been in and the worst'

I constanlty was texting him and i couldnt leave him alone, i was upset with him as it was all going so well why couldnt he of just left things going how they were.

We didnt then speak for a few days and he sent me a text saying 'go out move on concetrate on your work be happy and single and who knows that the future holds'

i kept texting him.

i was starting to feel good about myself and my freinds started to take me out more and i was putting pictures up on facebook. then i get texts saying 'one week after we split up and you seem to have all this confidence maybe if it had happened eailer we would still be togther, you will never find anyone who loves you as much as me'

i replyed back with 'no you just coudnt wait for me to change'

i took down pictures of us on facebook as i couldnt look at them because they we to apinful to look at and he text me asking me why i had taken them down and it hurt him and i explained to him

My friend wrote to me on facebook saying 'i hope you have fun tonight ;)'

I then get messages saying ' move on but if you go out with other guys i could never ever get back with you'

Im deperate to be with him ive contacted him loads in this time appart, altho he has asked for space.

We met up in this time aswel and all he keeps saying is he needs time he is hoping that his feeling will go back and he is hoping that i can change and maybe we can be back together one day but he is so unhappy at the moment.

Everyone has been getting ideas in my head saying 'he probaly with someone else and your just waiting for him until he wants you'

so i contacted him again after saying that i would leave him alone saying 'ive been hearing things' (when infact i hadnt) he didnt reply it was late at night. He then rang me the next morning saying how ridiclous it is and how stupid im being and i said sorry i will gibe him space but he replyed with 'this is so f**ked, you cant love me because you cant give me space to think' i said i do

I was on my way to work aswel and i got there and i broke down into tears so much so that they gave me a week off as holiday.

I text him one last time on Thursday saying, i think you need to look at yourself, all women have things they go there, i trusted you to do they one thing i asked, id always stand by you.

My reply was 'danielle please dont contact me, im beggin you'

i havent text back or heard since thursday.

I kno he loves me and i know i have driven him nuts

My postives are
He contacted me in the time he wanted appart
He cares if im with someone else (altho i got that idea into his head for some stupid reason thinking that will want me back)
He was hurt when i took the photos down
He can see my confidence is coming back
He pulled over on the way to work to tell me that it wasnt true
He also said 'i could be an arsehole and say i dont love you anymore, but im nice'

If he had never said to me in the future maybe but dont go out and get with other people and that ill never find anyone that loves you as much as me then i would of left him alone but i kept thinking he was going to forget me and get with someone else thats why i didnt but if i do from thrusday is there still hope
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. L replied 3 years ago.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I would like to help you with your question.

Dr. L :

I am sorry that you are having such a struggle in this relationship....and that you have had confidence issues.

Dr. L :

I do think that the confidence issues did have a negative impact on your relationship as it sounds like you became frightened of being alone and became dependent and "clingy".

Dr. L :

If you are willing to work on repairing your relationship with your boyfriend I suggest two strategies.

Dr. L :

#1 Individual psychotherapy. The lack of confidence you had was very unhealthy for you...and for your relationship. You state that you are doing better..that's great! But it would be helpful for you to continue getting stronger and stronger so that you can live a healthy, productive, and happy life.

Dr. L :

#2 Couple's therapy. It sounds like you and your boyfriend do love each other, but just can't figure out how to be in a relationship together. Going to couple's therapy will help you work through the problems and find ways to resolve differences between you.

Dr. L :

Love is not something you can turn off and on like a water faucet. If you loved him last week, you love him today! So...please think carefully about how you feel. If you want to "save" the relationship, then it will take hard work and the help of a professional to resolve the issues.

Dr. L :

I await your reply.

Customer: But do you think he will talk to me anymore?
Customer: He has begged me to leave him alone
Dr. L :

He has asked for some time and space. I would give him that.

Dr. L :

I encourage you to write or text to say:

Dr. L :

I will respect your request for time and space.

Dr. L :

When you feel ready, could we please meet to talk.

Dr. L :

If he is asking you to leave him alone, I imagine that he is feeling confused and wants to take some time to think about your relationship and what he wants out of life.

Dr. L :

As I stated before, the two of you have been unable to stay together and unable to stay apart!!

Dr. L :

Your seeing a professional to sort all of your feelings out is very important right now. After you are able to do some work to understand your feelings, you will be in a much better place to have a conversation with him about your futures. Right now things are just too jumbled and neither of you can sort things out.

Dr. L :

I do think that once you get some time away from each other, are each able to do some hard thinking, that he will be willing to talk. Clearly he is not in a good place to do that right now. If you respect his wish to leave him alone...he will see that you are listening and are willing to do what is best for the relationship right now.

Dr. L :

Does this make sense to you?

Dr. L :

Can you leave him alone for awhile?

Customer: I completely understand your point and will go forward with that, I just hope he isn't seeing somone else new :( he said when we last met up and spoke that realisticly 6 months out your life is nothing if we can love happily ever after. But I think after that phone call Thursday where he pulled over to talk to me that may if tipped him over the edge :(
Dr. L :

Yes...let's hope that he isn't seeing someone new...

Dr. L :

And yes...3-6 months for sorting out and healing wounds makes good sense. And...yes...that time is nothing compared to a forever.

Customer: I think I've just driven him mad so much do he won't talk to me anymore
Dr. L :

Give him some time...

Customer: He said it was the best relationship he has been in and the worst and that he was unhappy for a whole but he knows that he loves me
Customer: I'm just so lost
Customer: I do feel like if he just said 7 weeks ago it's over it's done It would of been better none if this hope
Customer: I think he's seeing somone new
Dr. L :

I understand your statement about hope...and yes you don't want to be strung along believe that there might be something in the future when that isn't true.

Customer: I just don't kno what to do there's nothing I can do but wait
Dr. L :

That's why it's important for you to take care of yourself...to help the help you need to sort things out...and then see where you are in 3 months or so.

Dr. L :

Even if he is dating someone new...that is no guarantee that it will work out or last.

Dr. L :

What you can do is to take care of yourself so that no matter what happens you are strong and in charge of your life!

Dr. L :

Just waiting to wait is not helpful.

Dr. L :

Time does help wounds...but getting support and help is what really makes a difference!

Customer: He said you did this I've had enough
Customer: then I said what if you decide you want to be with me in a months time
Customer: he didn't say anything
Dr. L :

Well...your response was correct...he does not know the future and he may be open to talking/seeing you in a few months.

Dr. L :

I would take his "nothing" as him not having thought about that.

Dr. L :

I encourage you to end contact with him, to get into therapy, and to work to heal and get emotionally strong. Then see where you are in a few months and if you feel that it's time to contact him again...or if you even want to. You may change your mind too!

Dr. L :

Is there any last thing I can help you with?

Customer: It's been 5 days that's the longest I've gone with no contact to him I just don't think he cares anymore
Expert:  Shantal-Mod replied 3 years ago.
Hello,

Unfortunately the Professional is experiencing problems replying to your question. We are working very hard to resolve the issue.

Thank you for your patience,

Shantal
Expert:  Dr. L replied 3 years ago.
Hi,
As I said earlier, love isn't something you turn on and off like a water faucet. If he loved you 5 days ago, then love still exists today. That he does not want to act on his feelings of love, wants time to sort out his feelings, is confused and doesn't know what to do...these are all possibilities.

Please start looking at what you need and want and try to stop focusing on what is going on with him.

I understand how hurt and upset you are. A breakup is always difficult and painful.

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1168
Experience: Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
Dr. L and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
My best friend who is a hairdresser was cutting the sister of one of my boyfriends ex's hair today she's getting married and he sister is older than her

My friend said to her 'how does your sister feel you getting married before her'

She said 'she's ok she got a new boyfriend now, she only just recently got over her ex who was horrible to her'

My friend asks who and she replays my ex's name and ask if she knows him. (Clearly she does because of me but she doesn't kno me or that)
So my friend makes the connection and says 'oh yeah I think I remember him he knows my ex bf'

She then continues to say 'yea they had been going out for just under a year and he just turns round and says to her he doesn't want to be with her anymore'

He told her to wait got him for 6 months and he's not ruling anything out in the furture who knows maybe. (The same as what he said to me)

She also continued to say 'yeah he got on really well with her mum and dad and she did there's and he would say stuff like 'that's the mother of my children' and 'oh we're going to ickworth house today lots of weddings go on there'

Everything is the same on what he said to me
Expert:  Dr. L replied 3 years ago.
Hello,
I can imagine that this felt strange and even confusing. What did you make of it?
How are you feeling now that you heard this?
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1168
Experience: Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
Dr. L and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Things have move on slightly that before
So I put this on my Facebook status as I didn't hear from him in over 3 weeks (had to take some holiday at work as I was crying all the time) and he never goes on Facebook, but after I put this he sent me a thumbs up threw an email
'Last day of holiday today! It's been a lovely week off I'm do lucky in having lovely family and friends that have made me see a lot clearer! Things happen to people you wouldn't expect to (aka confidence issues, didn't put up) but failing down is a part of life, everyone has problems but with support you can get threw anything bring on the weekend'

I didn't reply to the thumbs up but it was bugging me he had to open and email to send it re activate his Facebook then come off again so a little while later I sent him a message saying 'I kno that was you that sent me a message on Facebook, I'm not sure why hope your ok'
Nothing
Then I was drubk one night and just senhim a thumbs up saying 'ūüĎć I know' thinking if he is with someone he nows I know or of he isn't i kno he sent me a message then this happened
' I really do to understand you danielle you haven't contacted me in ages then you send me a cryptic message then when you ask me about it you don't reply what's the point'
'You begged me to leave you alone so I did then you contacted me then you didn't reply which was cruel knowing how I felt'
'I swear to god I didn't mean to send that to you on Facebook I promise why would I send that, what do you mean you kno I don't understand'
'I do to understand how you didn't kno you sent if'
'I only went on there to get an email address I must of sent it by accident (he would of gone into my emails to send it)then I closed my account down, I didn't understand your text bcoz I didn't realise I sent you anything why would I send you a thumbs up (I never says what he sent me how would have known it was a thumbs up)
'Oh right that clears that up'
'Why did you send me a text saying I kno'
??
'Im not stupid Scott'
'What the f**k are you talking about'
' I think there has been enough time and distance for us know to let us know how we feel, and I kno that you would of probaly moved on and I cB deal with that now'
'Im happy your feeling more positive (patronizing f**k) what we had was amazing but I think time appart has made us realise a few things (a nothing answer again)
'Yeah it really has see you around'
Then the day after I said it would be nice to just clear the air if you want to talk on the phone (were I live is a small place) I said in this MSG also that I saw him and didn't feel like I could talk to him. No reply, so I just said ok no hard feelings nothing for 3 weeks then.. I get this 3 weeks later
Hello Danielle, I've only just got my phone back today as it was broken so I didn't get ur txts. I don't want u 2 have 2 feel like that, if u r going 2 b like that it will b awkward. I don't really understand why u said u wanted 2 clear the air? Did u ring me 2day?
See this is why I don't understand u, u write 2 me, then when I write back u don't reply???
I can't b bothered 2 play games, I wasn't going 2 write back but thought I would b nice, I shouldn't have bothered
( I'm shocked he's contacted me after so long)
Im sorry I've only just got all your messages now, that was a while ago, I was upset when I saw you because I missed u, how are you?
-I've only just got my phone back today as it was broken so I didn't get ur txts.
Ok
-why did u avoid me
Because like I said I was upset when I saw u,Just made me relise that I missed u
-Why did u say we need 2 clear the air?
I guess I was just cross, I was hoping you was going to say you were missing me as much as I missed you, but if not that's fine, hope all is ok with u
-Of course I miss u Danielle
Oh ok, how are u?
-I heard something the other day that upset me, Apparently u have been telling people that one of the reasons me n u split up was because I didn't like u going out with ur friends.
I don't kno where you heard that from Scott I haven't said that, it's been hard thinking of you. I've been hearing things to but to be honest I haven't taken any notice
- I would of hoped you hadn't said it. Goodbye danielle.
Was that all you text me to say? (Then called but no pick up) I didn't phone you today but I have just tried to call you but obv you must be busy, so that's fine.
- I has that today (missed call from me at 11 left no msg, I accidentally rang when I was ringing my friend said) no that wasn't all I text you to say, I txt u because I hadn't replied coz I didn't have my phone, sorry I shouldn't of text you.
I hoped u was going to say we cud sort it out, but that's me obv getting the wrong end of the stick again but if u put gd bye it's obv final
-We cannot b together Danielle because we cannot get on, we don't make each other happy
Ok if you believe that then that's fine
- I think it's best we don't contact eachother, I just get upset
Ok it just seems silly to me that we both miss each-other and you can't seem to get past feeling like we can't do anything about it, so if your always going to feel like you can't move on from past mistakes then that's fine x
-I tried my best and I can't do it any more
Ok if you feel like we would have to work at it that hard and couldn't just be happy just being with each-other, then it's best left alone
I feel like you shouldn't have to work that hard at a relationship and if you feel like you would have to put in that much effort then it would never work
Thinking of u always

Then nothing, he's been on Facebook I've been going out a people have been saying I'm looking good etc, he's been on what's app where all these msg have been sent on late at night which is unlike him, I just think why contact me you would just leave it and if his phone had broke he wouldn't if reacievd my msg and he thought to text me when he only just got it back
Does he just want me to want him but he doesn't want me anymore?!
Expert:  Dr. L replied 2 years ago.
Hello,
This is a very confusing situation and seems more hurtful then helpful. As to your question...does he just want me to want him and he doesn't want me anymore?...

It certainly does sound like he is not being totally honest here and that his motives are unclear. This going back and forth - admitting that he misses you - then saying you don't make each other happy - is crazy-making. How are you to make sense of this?

While it may be hard for you to see this, it seems that his own confusion and inability to know what HE wants out of life is more of the issue here then anything. He can say all kinds of things that make it look like you were the problem in the relationship, but what I see is a person who is unsure of himself.

I urge you to focus on you. Yes..you still miss him and wish you had the opportunity to sort things out. But that takes a willing partner...and he's not willing. So, as best you can, use your energy to take care of yourself. You said that friends say you look good. Hurrah for you. Do the grieving you need for this relationship and surround yourself with caring friends and family. At this point, he doesn't seem like a healthy person who can do the work necessary to repair your relationship and ensure that it is stays happy, fufilling, and good.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I really have been trying to look after myself but I just keep missing him , and I just feel like I'm never going to be able to get over him because I'm still inlove with him.
He could be fooling around with another girl for all I kno, I just feel like he will get a girl just like that.
It's like he's checking to see if I'm still thinking of him maybe I don't kno, I just don't want to be used and I don't want to feel this way again if he texts me again in 2 weeks time
I just keep thinking he is going to see sense and come over and see me, but that never seems to happen
I kno that you can always get what you want and I kno that of I didn't want to be with someone I would leave them be it's just cruel I just feel like I'm on a string constantly
Expert:  Dr. L replied 2 years ago.
Hello...
Exactly! It's like he has you on a string and then pulls it every now and then! It's up to you to cut that string once and for all so that you are free to build a happy life. Yes...I understand that you miss him and that you wish you could just turn back the hands of time. But...that's not possible. So...please cut the strings once and for all.

I'm sorry to be so blunt...but being a puppet on a string is not living.
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1168
Experience: Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
Dr. L and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Do you think there's any chance that he still cares
You don't text your ex if your with someone else tho because your in that honeymoon period, why would be bother
I don't kno I just hope that I stop feeling like this soon it's really getting me down
I just can't work him out
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Do you think there's any chance that he still cares
You don't text your ex if your with someone else tho because your in that honeymoon period, why would be bother
I don't kno I just hope that I stop feeling like this soon it's really getting me down
I just can't work him out
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