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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1168
Experience:  Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
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Hi! In October after weeks of flirting I begun an affair with

Customer Question

Hi! In October after weeks of flirting I begun an affair with a man 16 years older than me. My relationship with my husband was breaking down and I was swept off my feet by this new man. A few weeks into the relationship I realised that while this man was very attentive to my sexual needs he was unable to sustain an erection to have penetrative sex and even during oral sex he was having to help the situation along. I tried to approach the situation and he just laughed it off saying tht he wasnt sure whether he would be able to satisfy me sexually with me being so young and he didn't want to disapoint me. He asked how I would feel if it kept happening and I just told him tht I hoped we would deal with it together and seek medical help. Soon after this conversation he started to retreat from me and I eventually found out that he had been meeting older woman through newspaper adverts and dating sites. One lady phoned me and told me tht she hadnt managed sex with him at all in 6 months. When I spoke to him about this he told me it was rubbish and he was not impotent. My husband has now found out about my indiscretion and challenged this man. I am really confused but know that I really love this man and want him and not my husband. Despite this he now tells me we can just be friends. We met up a couple of weeks ago but nothing happened between us and he seems really cold towards me. He now tells me that he has met someone new and tht he has moved on and yet he offered to phone me and I hav seen him looking at my house when he drives past. He also got quite upset with me at one point asking if I only went out with him to make my husband jealous when I suggested tht maybe I should give my marraige another try. What can I do this man has really got under my skin?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. L replied 2 years ago.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I would like to help you with your question.

Dr. L :

I'm sorry for the confusion and doubt that this affair has brought into your life. I don't think this older man is a stable choice for a relationship. His history suggests that he is more interested in chasing women and attempting sexual relationships then in anything else. His issues with impotence are likely very real and that is why he is chasing women...trying to desperately convince himself that he does not have a problem.

Dr. L :

Because he acknowledges multiple sex partners, you should seriously consider being tested for sexually transmitted diseases. While this may sound embarrasing/shameful...it is the right thing to do to protect your own health. Please consider this as soon as possible.

Dr. L :

As to your marriage...you acknowledge a rough patch with your husband. And...you also acknowledge that you feel you love the older gentleman. Unfortunately, this older man does not seem at all interested in a permanent relationship. While he questioned if you were using him by just trying to make your husband jealous, his own motives for having so many sexual partners are suspect and I gather that he is using women to bolster his own ego and sexual prowess.

Dr. L :

Is marital therapy something you would consider? You don't write as to how serious the marital difficulties are, yet I can conclude that they were serious enough to lead you to seek satisfaction with another man. I encourage you to think through your real feelings about your marriage and to seek help if you want to heal those wounds.

Dr. L :

I can understand how you could get swept off your feet. Those feelings of falling in love are wonderful ... and a welcome break when a marriage is not going good. However, the decision to leave a marriage is a serious undertaking that will have long lasting impacts.

Dr. L :

Please let me know your thoughts.

Dr. L :

Thank you.

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