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You haven't written Anything about what was actually in the dream. Your desperate question implies that you broke up very recently, and your dream makes it seem like something is very wrong or dangerous, such as that she is in some danger of dying. But her dying could imply only that the relationship is beginning to die on the inside, as somebody made it start to die on the outside. So if you want to find out what your dream is showing & saying to you, you'll need to write it down, and ALSO explain the circumstances that led to the point when you had the dream. It's quite common for post-breakup dreams to reflect the dreamer's worries about whether he should try to bring the relationship back to life or not; but the content of the dream has much more valuable information than just that. It’s usually pretty easy to establish some connections between your waking life and knowledge and the dream IF I can ask you about some of those connections. But the keys to the dream’s deeper meanings, that will actually reach beyond what you could know before the dream’s arrival, are found by comparing what your waking consciousness is aware of with what the dream shows you AND makes you think and feel and focusing in on where your waking awareness and your dream are in DISAGREEMENT.
OK. I'm on line. Please tell me your actual dream in as much detail as you can.
The dream is just basically
Of her getting a new boyfriend
We met up
I was still close with her
But then her boyfriend was mocking me
Who initiated the breakup, you or her?
And how long were you together? And how long is it since the breakup?
Does it seem realistic to you that she could have a new boyfriend now already?
well we were still close but not official until end of january
well i dont speak to her anymore so i can't comment on that :)
So you went together for 2 years? Or you broke up 2 years ago, but were still in close contact until January?
Broke up officially on September 2013
But still together until end of january
we were together for 2 years indeed
then again i had a weird dream of another boy friend
i guess it's just my underlying fear?
One of the problems that couples have when they "break up officially" but stay in frequent contact "as friends" afterwards is that the watered-down "friendship" enables one or both partners to coast along inside as if the other were always ready to be there when needed.
but we dont communicate anymore.
But when you've actually stopped connecting via phone or internet, it's a pretty good sign that at least one partner wants to look elsewhere for that feeling of being wanted.
No more attachment
So your dream that she has a new BF who is mocking you is the WORST OUTCOME you could imagine for not talking regularly--because the "good friends" expectation protects you from the rejected feeling when there's somebody else inside that woman's house guarding her against you.
Just need to overcome it..
well we are no longer friends
like it's gone to a stage that we dont talk anymore because i have done something wrong
What most young people DON'T know, because nobody's around to teach them, is that when you've been lovers for 2 years, you can't be casual friends--and that Sept to January period you've had was just the"cooling off" time when you could both pretend it wasn't going to be "cold turkey" with no hope of feeling that old romantic love ever again. But "not ever" doesn't even mean NEVER. It's just the slow process of coming uncoupled.
Behind the scenes of your actual communication with each other, it's normal for each partner to have his or her own means of getting over the initial grief (which is also a process we're given very little humane training for). And when you're thinking about what's next, each person is likely to hope the other will never stop loving them, and they'll never stop liking her either. And IF one partner is actually going to find somebody new, YOU'LL be the first to find someone (because you don't want to imagine that you're NOT as lovable as your exGF), and YOU'LL also find a BETTER GF (prettier, smarter, more ideally suited to you, more loyally devoted) than your exGF will find in a new BF.
What was the "something wrong" that you have done?
I guess i have helped her for a lot of things
and i used it against her to keep her with me
So was she in need of a lot of help when you met her? So you were somewhat of a RESCUER for her?
it's just help for her future
Do you mean financial help? Or help with getting thru school or getting a job? If she felt one-down to you in the beginning, and you were doing more for her than she could do for you, then she could want to escape from that "needs help" position.
Just getting through school
Yeah I am doing it for her and she got a good future ahead partly cause of my help
but of course what i did is not permitted in terms of academics
and then i kind of used it against her to keep her here
but this is after break up already
i shouldnt have helped her
The "mocking" that her imaginary new boyfriend was doing towards you could represent an unconscious reversal of the one-up position you may have occupied in that relationship. That is, if you were better to her than she was to you, then the mocking was "getting even"--or the Higher Power that composes and directs our dreams was punishing you for what you feel guilty about.
Right what is a good way to completely give up on this relationship and forget abouti t and move on?
I appreciate your honest confession. I guess you'd call it "academic cheating." Well, I've done it too. I've never cheated for my OWN academic gain. But when I was 31 I once wrote an entire English paper for my hyperanxious girlfriend, who was 23. And now, because I need to earn money to support myself and wife and daughter, I've been doing more than half of the homework and test answers for a 40 yr old online engineering student from Ghana--because he has the money to pay me and I won't have to declare it and pay taxes. When I was a college professor or a high school teacher in person, I would never have cheated for pay from a student. But now that online education allows everyone to cheat, and I am getting money for using my brain, I am doing it.
I appreciate your story
As i understand it's common
It really isnt fair for others who worked hard for everytihing
I guess one of the lessons is that "there's no honor among thieves." So no one should expect gratitude to keep a girl loving them.
No I wrote it for her
If ther'es any confusion
I worked hard for my Bachelors, 2 Masters degrees, and 2 PhDs. And I'm losing my house anyway, so I'm woking hard to help this Ghanaian man get his Bachelors and achieve his ambitions, even though he will know very little Chemistry, very little Statistics, and almost zero German, but his speech and philosophy writing might be a little better from my tutoring--because he is motivated when it comes to writing in English.
What did you write for her?
and she got into all of her choices
with my essay
That's not cheating; I'd say that's just like what a parent would do that wants to make sure his daughter gets accepted. You must be pretty young yourself. My own college students were absolutist about what is moral and what's not, at least with respect to cheating in love relationships. Yet half or more HAD cheated on a lover.
I'm still in college
She hasn't cheated on me
And when it came to cheating on tests and assignments in college courses, I would sometimes ask in class "how many of you have NEVER cheated on any test or assignment in college?" And at most 1 person would raise her or his hand--then everybody else would glare at her or him and insist that s/he's lying.
Yeah I know
But it is still a huge favour
Parents have limited academic ability to assist a full success in applications
Of course it is.
So how should i forget about it
That's what i kind of want to achieve
You're also very likely to lose your love during her first or second semester in college. For she has entered a new environment, and part of that new environment is usually starting over with love.
Well it's not because of that
It's just that I miss her
despite we have no point of contact anymore
not on facebook
You probably can't find the textbook I wrote on love relationships in a library in UK. You can write letters to her to say all the things you'd like to say, do the letter shortly before going to sleep, and then watch for a symbolic response in your dreams. Or sometimes you can write a letter or two and then decide which parts of it you actually want to send to her to say goodbye in the way that you want to.
Nah it's better if we do not contact
and I always have an urge to check on her
but i need that to stop
You'll need to get rid of all but a few remembrances you have of her.
But First Great Loves often take 1-2 years to get over, before you're ready to love someone else as fervently as you loved your first love.
I studied relationship patterns of several hundred students, and found the typical pattern was for increasingly passionate, intimate and committed relationships until the First Great Love, which usually lasted around 2-4 years. Then the next one or two relationships would start out very hopeful, but quickly (3-6months) get disappointed, because they weren't enough like the FGL and the tendency to comparison hadn't subsided. It would typically take 2 to 5 years before a second great love could happen. But that one would be more passionate often than the first, because you would be more mature and confident yourself in loving, so you'd be less likely to wrap yourself around the first girl that seemed safe enough against rejecting you. In your case perhaps because she needed you to feel secure, and she looked up to you. In my case (when I was 20.5 yrs old) because she didn't think she was attractive enough, but she was smart, so she liked smart, and she'd be my Girl Friday to get loved.
Since you wrote that you keep having the urge to check on your exGF, then the mocking new BF in your dream may be recruited by your Higher Power DreamDirector to warn you against checking up on her anymore: "Knock on her door again, even in your mind, and you won't like who's going to answer." So you could practice a thought-changing move: Each time you think about her, you are in effect openingt the door to that room in the mansion of your mind where the spirit of the girl you loved lives--just to peek in on her. But that mocking punk will be with her if you open that door; so just "walk on by." Each time you find yourself thinking about your exGF, just walk on by and change the subject. Make a short list of what/whom you'd change the subject to, and include some new aspects of yourself that you're branching out to in college.
Hi sorry was away
that sounds like good advice
Take your time reading and ask me anything.
done i read quick
it's good advice
i guess keep myself busy is a good tactic too
You get to fall in love with other ways to expand your personality: activities, explorations, subjects of study, people to cultivate; trying out platonic female relationships is really good.
not the end of the world anyways
be glad that it has happened
I think online "friendships" are also a good way to loosen one's grasping for the past. But online relationships are a seductive substitute for inperson relating.
it was the happiest time of my life anyways
I will stay out of those
they dont tend to fair well
I found that travel and admiring nature and art, as well as physical work and athletics are good alternatives to the emotional intensity of loving. Creavitve projects actually activate the same sort of emotional energy as loving. They call up the inner image of the female side of yourself to stimulate your growth-energy. In dreams there is an outer female image (the beloved) and an inner femal image (the muse for your creativity and personality expansion). So when you stop focusing on an outside female, you can conjure up your inner female side, as you devote yourself to some projects that further your development in career, hobbies, arts and personal growth.
Trying to hit myself to the gym already
That might sound strange, but loving does further your own inner development whether you're loving a female or a creative adventure. And I'm going to the gym right now, tho for me it's not so much creative as it is fulfilling workout, and then a sauna to burn out my Spring allergies.
You give very good advice compared too other experts
Thank you. I've been at it for over 40 years. When you've done something that long and you still like it, you're going to be good at it. I've also done cross-country hiking and pathfinding for over 60 years, as a personal sport, so I really like that too.
You give very golden advice
What is your occupation ?
Oh, and my wife said Carl Jung said this about loneliness: You're not lonely when there's nobody around you. But you are lonely when there are people around you, but there's nobody around that you can talk to about what really matters to you.
My occupations have been: 1. teacher (English, high school math & science, German & European cultural history (PhD), Psychology (PhD), piano playing)-50yrs 2. psychotherapist-40yrs
I don't want to miss my workout, and I need to knock out my Spring allergies so I can go hiking again sooner rather than later. Life is pretty d good when you've developed a lot of things that you love to do. And developing more things that you love to do by yourself is ONE of the investments you can make in your future happiness now while you're also finding things to do that can fulfill you in different ways than what you had with your GF.
I'll chat with you sometime again about my emotional state? Or are you free now to chat on a new question?
Let's chat tomorrow then Norman.