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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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I have been in a relationship for 13 years all started well

Customer Question

I have been in a relationship for 13 years all started well then nine years ago we had are first baby, this is where it all started to change after 6 months of having a baby I started suffering with panic attacks , I felt worthless and unattractive . My partner did not help by always putting me down about my weight and that I was lazy with no job. After a yr I got a part time job which was fine but he still moaned that I was lazy I tried to change for him we had good and bad times I thought there was hope . We started try for another baby after three miscarriages I finally had a baby four years ago . But straight away things were bad he lost his job and went self employed , I went back on tablets to help me with panic attacks he was always putting me down calling me lazy fat cow , in the last two years it has been up and Down but I am getting ill all the time , tired and no get up and go . I am forgetful and tired all the time and my nine year is starting to withdraw and always trying to impress his dad by calling me names like his dad, I want to leave but scared that maybe it's me with the problem and will make a massive mistake and my children hate me , I am still on anti depressants but they don't seem to be helping I still feel depressed , I am so confused as to what to do for the best please help
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.

Dear Debra :

Thank you for your question.

Dear Debra :

The reason why people are who they are is molded by childhood. We only know what we are taught. If your partner was raised in an environment where all he knows is to name call, then he needs to learn that this only makes this worse.

Dear Debra :

You need to explain too him that boosting you up and saying positive things will inspire you to help get rid of how you are feeling. One thing I want you to really think about is when the panic attacks happened and what you feel started to cause them.

Dear Debra :

Panic attacks usually only last about 20 minutes.

Dear Debra :

They are very intense but there are ways of calming down to stop them a lot quicker.

JACUSTOMER-fl2k7khd- : Thanx but tried talking gets me no where
JACUSTOMER-fl2k7khd- : They usually start when I feel that people are looking at me too much and get panicky about how I look
Dear Debra :

People often think about positive memories some times even from childhood and some times people smell familiar smells that bring them to that calm place. Talking you said gets you nowhere and I feel it is because he just can not understand what you are going through. You have been through a lot and you have many reason why you are feelings sad and having anxiety. Some times people need to be shown because talking sometimes people just do not listen because they don't want to hear anything bad, they just block it out. You need to tell him how would he like it if you called him names. He needs to a walk in your shoes to truly understand what you are going through. People natural look at others and their are many reasons. People might think you have beautiful hair, a nice outfit on. They may wonder where you bought your close, what shampoo you use to make your hair so shiny. You want to think about the positive in why others are looking at you. You feel that they are staring only because you do not feel good about your appearance because you partner continues to put you down. You need to be confident and know that others look at others because they are curious about who they are as a person. If you smile at someone odds are they will smile back. People are just natural friendly.

Dear Debra :

People like to get to know people and they like to talk small talk in stores special supermarkets. People just natural socialize special if they are having a good day. People often want to share good news with everyone. It is very normal for people to look at others, you need to talk that as a compliment.

JACUSTOMER-fl2k7khd- : Wish I had that faith in people think I have been put down on to many times and can't see a way forward cause I don't think he will change
Dear Debra :

You want to start by feeling good about yourself and getting more confident. When you are confident no one can put you down. You want to understand that everyone is unique in their own way. You are a mom that is something to be so proud of, you work and you should be proud of your position in your job. You need to understand that you as a person have a lot to offer. One person can make such a difference in others life. You everyday are making a difference in your children's lives.

Dear Debra :

You think he can not change, but I think he can if he was shown how to change.

Dear Debra :

People raised a certain way do not know any better.

JACUSTOMER-fl2k7khd- : They are what concerns me most I don't want them to grow and think that's it to put people women Down , I want to leave there dad but worried how it is going to effect them :-)
Dear Debra :

I want you to really think about his family background and how he was raised. Did his parents do the same thing he does too you. Also some times people have hidden anger some times over certain life issues or events that might of happened. I want you to think about if things were like this when you first got together and decided to live your life together or did it start at a certain time in your relationship. Some times their are hidden issue that never surfaced. People some times hide hurt feelings because they can not talk about them, but this leads to built up anger and negative commits because the issues were never solve so it become a relationship where the person resents the other person. This is why communication is key in a relationship. When it comes to relationship breaking up children are always effected because they do not understand why there parents are not together. But parents have done outstanding jobs on co-parenting. Where children seem to adjust well. I know it is a very hard decision to leave but some times you have to do what is best for you.

Dear Debra :

If you are constantly being put down it is hard to be happy and to set goals in your life. It makes you not even want to get up and try.

Dear Debra :

When people put pressure on others instead of motivating the person it works opposite and makes the person not want to try at all.

JACUSTOMER-fl2k7khd- : That is exactly how I feel he has put me down so much I don't want to even try anymore cause I don't see the point it will never be good enough, I try to tell him that him putting me down all time is making me ill he just does not seem to understand he tries for a week then it starts again
Dear Debra :

Ok, so he does try for a week. That is a good start. But he needs to continue to be successful at not putting you down. You need to explain too him that you are exhausted from trying this relationship. Explain that you feel like all the effort is you putting in the time and he is just putting you down. Everyone is different and works at their own pace. You want to explain that pushing you will make you not want to do it at all. But supporting you and building you up will make you happy.

JACUSTOMER-fl2k7khd- : Still confused as to what to do but thanx for trying to help
Dear Debra :

I want you to think about your life without him for a minute.

Dear Debra :

This always help in making this decision.

JACUSTOMER-fl2k7khd- : I feel I would be happier without the constant put downs and maybe try to rebuild myself back to what I use to be but also scared of the unknown as been with him since I was 17
Dear Debra :

I do feel that this relationship could start again and you both work things out.

Dear Debra :

But he would have to so a lot of changing his personality to help you get better.

JACUSTOMER-fl2k7khd- : And that is where the problem is he does not think he is doing anything wrong and that he is the perfect partner and always right
Dear Debra :

He need to not control your actions meaning. You need to work at your own pace in getting better. People think some times that tough love is the answer to motivate someone but positive reinforcement is what is best. Building others up letting them know that all things are possible in life.

Dear Debra :

He is stubborn in his thinking.

JACUSTOMER-fl2k7khd- : Yes he is definitely stubborn which is why I think even a break would be good and they maybe he would take me seriously when I tell him I am not happy and that I am not just moaning at him
Dear Debra :

He needs to really think about what it would be like if the roles were reversed and you were putting him down all the time. He would not like it and it would start to work on him making him unhappy. He just does not seem to realize the effects his words are causing. You need to ask him is all this worth losing you for good. He needs to make the steps to change or he is going to lose you and you need to make that very clear too him so he knows now is the time to change.

JACUSTOMER-fl2k7khd- : I think ur right that is what he needs to do but I don't have high hopes but this could be my lack of confidence talking
Dear Debra :

I really do think he can change but needs to in someway understand how you feel. He wants to act like nothing is wrong because he does not want to lose you and think there is problems in the relationship. So instead he chooses to ignore the issues hoping they just go away

JACUSTOMER-fl2k7khd- : Yep sounds about right but I will give it one last try with the warning so fingers crossed don't want to end but my health and the children is what is important to me
Dear Debra :

I really think he can change because I feel he loves you and is trying to help you, but it is in the wrong way.

Dear Debra :

He needs to learn how to help you in the correct way and I feel he needs to be shown how to do that. Even if you explain you will help him and show him the things you do not like that he says.

Dear Debra :

I think that will help him understand what not to do.

Dear Debra :

You rated me poor service is their anyway I can help you to change your mind about my service.

Dear Debra :

I am here to assist you and help you until we can solve the problem.

Dear Debra :

I hope that I can change your mind about my assistance and I am here to help you if you have anymore questions.

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