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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1168
Experience:  Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
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Hello! I am in a long distance relationship for 3 years. Our

Customer Question

Hello! I am in a long distance relationship for 3 years. Our time together is something I am so grateful for and I spend all week looking forward to our special times & weekends. We never seem to get real time together though. My family or his are always around. He is always happy to suggest they we all gather but seldom suggests we do things alone. I have a young child, which he is really open and loving with. He is very supportive and practically takes care of us in every way he possibly can from doing diy, fixing my car, helping me resolve any stressful issues I may be going through. He is a really great guy & I care for him a lot!! But where I feel there is a lack of is in the area of intimacy and creating a special space when we are together. the things that separates us as a couple from the rest of the world. He is very happy to when we are together to busy himself with anything and everything outside of our sacred space, with the pressures of life but connecting together on a soul level is something I dream of. We are unable to afford a holiday which would help us to escape everyday life and give us much needed time together alone away from everyday life & family. On the phone in the evenings I often feel that I could be listening to the news with little or no shared lovingness. Although he declares how much he loves me I still feel our relationship feels a little flat. Especially when it comes to my birthday. I get really giddy and for me it is a very special day. But he never does anything special. Ok, I got a card signed :to me , love him. I try to explain that this makes me feel less than special. I went from being hurt, to being mad to wondering why , and feeling at a loss as to why he cant made an effort for me. We have never had a big argument about this however I have been left feeling so hurt as he know how much it means and I feel that I'm not worth the effort, however small it may be. I tried to express how it makes me feel, he gets irritated quickly and usually has his boots on and out the door before I get the chance to express how I really feel. I tried explaining that it would be like having children when on Christmas morning not buying them any Santy presents just because we don't believe in Christmas. Its about honouring the child, or me and making the special person in your life feel, well, special on their day. I become deflated as my feeling aren't tried to be understood at least. I signed us up, with his agreement to do a tantra workshop to try something new but he left halfway through because it was too "far out". He writes poetry for people.( Usually after they die) and comes up with the most thoughtful things and gestures, whether it be a funny prank or how to motivate others to make the most or come up with great ideas to help them. But why not me? And why am I not worth the effort when these things are so special. I don't have a collection of lovely little trinkets or cards, letters or photos that I can pull out to take a trip down memory lane. Every weekend seems to be the same. We always dash to the pub when I have a babysitter instead of having a cosy night in when we have any time alone. I cant seem to be understood or manage to create magic moments. It feels ordinary and routine. Like I said I feel a little empty and how is something so important to me of no interest to him. ( Both my b.day and creating memories of our relationship) I am always showing and expressing my gratitude for what he does for me and make every effort to support him in every possible way I can also. There feels like there should be more to it than this. How do I get him to understand, acknowledge my feelings and more importantly create a more full & lustre rich relationship with more intimacy & magic?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. L replied 2 years ago.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I can imagine how disappointed you feel based on what you have posted. It does seem that there is no "spark", no romance, no real effort at creating intimacy. Having him take care of the basics of life is one thing...but loving relationships need that spark of intimacy and connection that you write of.

Dr. L :

Have you considered couple's therapy? I suggest that as a way to deepen your communication skills...as that is one of the issues here. Any time you try to "get real" and have an honest discussion about your feelings...he runs away. A therapist will help address this by encouraging and teaching you how to open up the lines of communication.The real possibility here is that he has little experience with how to romance a woman and so he shows you love in the only "language" he knows how...that is to repair your car, take you to the pub and so forth.

Dr. L :

What was his past experiences with other women? Do you think he has any clue as to what it means to be romantic?

Dr. L :

I'm going to suggest a number of books as a way to start:

Dr. L :

Sex is Fun. This is a workbook that takes the pressure and embarrassment out of talking about sex.

Dr. L :

You Just Don't Understand: Men and Women in Conversation by Deborah Tannen

Dr. L :

That's Not What I Meant: How conversational style makes or breaks relationships by Deborah Tannen

Dr. L :

The above books are a good place to begin to look at how you communicate and how to make improvements. The sex book is an excellent way to share your feelings about sexual intimacy.

Dr. L :

And yes...you pose a very good question when you say that he writes poetry for others and can be creative...but why doesn't he do these things for/with you? In couples therapy this question would be explored and answered found. My thought is that for some unknown reason he does not think you would want or appreciate these gestures. This is where good communication comes in for you could say, "Honey, I know that you write very lovely cards when someone has died. Tell me more about this special talent of yours as I think it is a wonderful gesture. In fact, if you are comfortable, could you make me a card some day?"

Dr. L :

For all you know, he thinks his card writing is only for bereaved people and doesn't think he can write one for any other occasion.

Dr. L :

I await your response.

Dr. L :

Thank you.

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