Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming situation.
Hi, thank you for being here.
Could you please tell me for how long have you felt this way?
Probably since the weekend so for about 4 days
I wasn't thinking about the wedding too much before that because I was very busy at work till then and it was a distraction
I see, then before it started 4 days ago you were feeling fine and longing for the wedding, right?
I see. How do you feel about your new life as a married man, do you feel happy and optimistic about it?
Not longing for the wedding no, I didn't really think about it too much. I just thought it would be nice to take a break from work to be honest. I can't say I was looking forward to it so this makes me feel kind of guilty
I don't see it as too much of a change from the way things are currently. We live together and it's all fine at the moment
I suppose I have doubts about getting married but I put this down to being a normal thing. Sometimes I don't know if I love her as much as I could.
Challenging situations like a wedding could cause such a high level of distress to people, that it could become overwhelming, even when not significant issue happen to be present, but when the person does not truly feel fully confident and comfortable with taking such a big formal step, time could just trigger all the anxiety, fears and other feelings that where being dismissed before.
Having doubts makes me feel guilty and ashamed
Then that is for sure a concern here.. For how long have you been together and how did you decided to get married without being sure that's what you really wanted to do?
If you have these doubts, have you talked to your partner about them?
We have been together for four years. We got engaged last year.
I haven't spoken to her about them because I know she feels a lot surer than I do and I think it would upset her if I told her
I see, and how has been your life together for all these years and since you got engaged?
It's been good, I mean we have a nice home life. I suppose sometimes i get a bit bored but then I think it is just my personality
That means you do not have enough level of trust and intimacy in your communication and relationship to the point of being totally honest and open about what you think, feel, need and want, and this is something both of you need in order to build a healthy and mature, a truly fulfilling relationship in the long run.
How can i start telling her about the doubts at this late stage. I think it would really upset her
Do you feel truly happy and fulfilled at core levels in your life with her? Romantically, mentally, sexually, around your personalities, life styles, core needs and expectations at main life areas?
Not in all areas no, she is a great person though and someone who I could imagine being with for the rest of my life.
I agree with you, it would be a totally normal reaction, but you need to be totally truthful with yourself and honest towards her. If you are going to get married, then it is better than you start with the right foot being fully honest and open with each other, for both of you to feel comfortable, respected, understood and supported in this relationship, otherwise further issues would arise with time, no matter how much you try to deny or avoid them.
I thought that to be fulfilled in all these areas woudl be asking for perfection which doesnt exist.
yeah i will possibly tell her after we get married. I know of other couples who have had doubts before getting married
Perfection is not humane, but good compatibility around core areas is no utopic but essential if what you want is to build a good long term relationship, thinking otherwise would be unrealistic.
ok. I thought the doubts would lessen over time and that I would love her more over time. I don't know if that is the case now.
As I said before, to have doubts is normal, specially when distressed by tough life changes and challenges, but it should not be confused with the fears and doubts a person experiences when not feeling truly confident and confident enough to make such a commitment. But you are the only one who know how you feel, what you need and want to afford here, so juts be totally mindful about that, in this way you would not regret your choices or actions.
Commonly time it self does not intensify things, it could actually do the opposite, specially when it is about love and passion, they need to be literally nurtured in relationships for them not only to survive, but for real growth and strength in the relationship.
I think it is normal for me to have doubts about any big decisions. I normally have them but then they settle over time. I do think this may be the case here
I feel really guilty about admitting this.
At the physical level humans do not experience the same attraction level after a short period of time, then from that area, if the couple does not work really good to make the relationship mature and grow at that and at other levels, time would just weaken it.
I have no idea how to make the relationship grow at other levels though.
Admitting your doubts show sense of caring, empathy, responsibility and willingness to make things better, so please confront those destructive feelings with a more realistic approach and take consistent actions that could allow you to actually nurture, empower and protect your relationship.
admitting my doubts to her?
That's what relationships are about, and this "process' is only possible through constant open and open dialogue, for you to truly know each other, and from there to respect, understand and support each other, otherwise you would just be guessing or adjusting to roles you play without being truly yourselves, so real meaning, happiness an fulfillment would also be very limited.
If what you want and expect is a good, healthy, meaningful and fulfilling life together in the long run, then you need to be totally yourself, truthful and this open to her, and she needs to do the same, only then you could actually be building and promoting a healthy and happy relationship.
Thus if she really cares about you, she would know how to be understanding and supportive, for you to work together, supporting each other and making things work now and whenever other challenges or issues arise.
yeah i think thats true i suppose I dont really want her to know what im thinking sometimes bevause it can be quite negative
Remember that here you are talking about your "life partner", so if she is not able and allowed to play that supportive role, who would play it?
I dont know, a professional? I don't want to make her feel as sad as I do. I don't want her to think I am miserable
I suggest you to consider individual counseling for you to work on that negativity, doubts and any problem or situation you find hard to cope with; but also to work with her on building a really intimate, empathetic and close connection, so you could effectively support-love each other.
I will try to be more open and honest with her about how I feel. I will probably tell her about how I am not looking forward to the wedding
Your intentions are very good, but you need to be clear that denying, avoiding or repressing something painful, negative or unhealthy does not fix it at all, but it empower it even more, and you will find yourself affording the consequences sooner or later. This is why I always suggest people to fully assess and acknowledge reality, taking into account the strengths and weaknesses, and from there work on themselves and with their partner on building a healthy and fulfilling reality, so they could enjoy the same.
do you think I could discuss my doubts with someone else or would it be better to be with her?
It is also true that most times to use denial, avoidance and repression are the easiest ways of approaching (while not truly addressing) things, while working on painful situations, challenges or issues uses to be tough and painful, but it is also necessary and worthy, and that's why each person chooses what they want and shapes his/her reality from there.
I think you need to talk to her about it in assertive ways, and ideally before that to talk to a profesisona for you to be clearre about yoruself, what you feel, fear need and expect, and how to assertively address this situation with her. l
If she is an assertive, caring person , who loves you, she would be able yo listen in empathetic ways, even when feeling pain, and work with you as a team to make things work.
yeah but in this case i dont think it is possible before the wedding. Without leaving her upset I mean.
Only you know your partner's level of maturity, assertiveness, personality, core value and belief system, and the quality of her love and caring towards you, depending on all of the and other factors she would respond or react in a unique way.
Is it possible to speak to a professional on this website some more because I find this beneficial and I find it easy to access
I definitely need to be more open with her about things
It;d be unrealistic to expect her not to feel distressed, because of it, perhaps sad, fearful, frustrated and/or upset, that would be totally normal, but what would make the difference is what she does with those feelings and how this issue gets addressed, and that depends other and your level of maturity, assertiveness and caring for each other.
Sure it is. There is the option for confidential counseling support, instead of this public forum as an additional service for people who would like-need to benefit from professional support.
On this website?
You would just need to request it, then the expert would send you an offer for additional service, and once you accept it, you could exchange contact information and set a confidential counseling session.
Ok. Most of the time the doubts aren't there, it's just that every so often they come up.
Yes, this is an additional service allowed by this website, but that is not provided using this website interface, which is, as I said, a public forum. Thus experts who provide such services choose the means of communication that they want and have available, which are not based on this website.
I understand, this seems to be fueled by anxiety, and one you numb or repress by working or keeping yourself busy, and know that the wedding gets closer, you cannot continue avoiding facing the obvious challenges, commitment and responsibility that it presents.
Yeah. Really what you are saying is true. I would need to discuss it with my partner to deal with it
I support you, I think it is necessary, since your life in the long run depends on how you address this and other challenging situations together as a real couple, that's why you have joined your lives, to support and take good care of each other, and not to add extra distress or pain in your lives.
You both need and deserve to b and feel happy, healthy and fulfilled in your individual lives and as a couple, then please do your best to ensure you build this reality offering your best to each other.
That's very true.
I think because I have these feelings, it makes the relationship 'not right'. Like this isnt the right relationship if I am having these doubts
I feel sometimes like there is a better relationship available, somewhere
this makes me feel really bad in the relationship I am in
This is a very unique and special phase in your lives, please focus more on what has kept you together, and work on what requires your attention, for you to experience what you need and deserve. Marriage is a formal commitment but also symbolizes you both feel confident and happy enough to continue your lives together as real life partners. If you feel you have enough good things to keep working on it, then go for it, but please be totally honest and open, for you to ensure you offer and experience the best from it, then everything else time will show.
yeah you are right
That's why I say that it is impossible to build a healthy and mutually fulfilling relationship without being totally truthful with yourself and honest with each other. Please remember that and work on yourself and on your relationship.
There are loads of good things about our relationship that it is worth working on
Individual counselling or psychotherapy could be the best sources of professional support for you to work on yourself, and for couples to do the same as a real team, with necessary tools as needed, specially when touch challenges or problems arise.
Then that sounds wonderful!
Start working on yourself and with her, and you would never regret it.
With counselling? I find this online very good but would you recommend face to face
Is it possible to start loving her more or is it too late?
Both could be very good as long as you have the right disposition and find a competent, ethical and experienced professional. Remember that this is a public forum, other people are reading this conversation, while counseling and therapy are fully confidential, and an expert could also address topics in different or deeper ways not possible-allowed through this forum. Also through professional services, you develop a professional-client relationship, and know you can trust support will be there when you need it in consistent ways, while here it is a question-answer format.
I believe love, real/healthy love requires a core connection that cannot be fabricated, but that it is only through real and hard, consistent work, sharing and experiences, where you are really mindfully and truthfully present, that you can make love mature, develop, growth an become a concrete force to nurture and fulfill your lives.
Yeah. I think most people are not adept at these qualities. It is probablyh not just myself who finds these things hard
I fully agree with you. I believe few people do really develop and experience healthy and truly fulfilling love, since it requires maturity, different core skills, compatible values and beliefs, personalities and life styles and more. many people stay together because of physical attraction, finances, property, family, religion, fear of loneliness, conveniences, escaping from painful personalities and more, not because of experiencing and working on creating healthy and fulfilling, reciprocal love.
Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.
This direct link to my profile http://www.justanswer.com/relationship/expert-rafael-morales-toia/, just make sure you state "For Rafael only" in your request, for other experts to know you want me to reply, and I will respond in less than an hour most of the time.
Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care and consistent action.