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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3391
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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Hi, I dont understand why it upsets me so much that if ever

Resolved Question:

Hi, I don't understand why it upsets me so much that if ever my husband buys me anything, he always has to buy himself something more. We haven't exactly got money to burn, but this is pathological with him.....even a candle for Mother's Day, I discover he'd bought himself the same. I feel ungrateful but this always takes away any thankful feelings I might have had, I don't feel treasured or special, it makes me very depressed instead of happy Thank you
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 3 years ago.

Coach Jen K. :

Hi and welcome. I'm a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

Coach Jen K. :

I can understand how you would feel less special...have you discussed your feelings with him and asked him why he does this?

Coach Jen K. :

I think it is important to let him know that it detracts from the special moment or feeling special when he does that.

Coach Jen K. :

Mothers day to use your example is your day and celebrated for you and his feeling of being left out could encourage him to buy for himself too.

Coach Jen K. :

Is he an insecure man? feels left out often? If so then these could be some reasons why he has this desire to do as he does.

Coach Jen K. :

hi

Customer: Hi, it's taken a while to realise wha,t
Customer: he does, in a very charming way, always seem to need everything to be about him
Customer: Ivor example, he had to make a grand entrance at our church wedding....before me
Coach Jen K. :

and I think it is important that you keep letting him know that it is about both of you most of the time but on special occasions as you do for him it is about you and only you and you would like that and deserve that

Coach Jen K. :

yes so I hear some insecurities and grandiosity within him

Customer: he didn't seem intersted in my pregnancy ....when baby was kicking etc, even tho he was thrilled to be a father
Coach Jen K. :

that isnt uncommon for men..they get interested when the baby/child can do things that is when a lot of men feel more connected

Coach Jen K. :

but unless you talk to him gently and with love he will continue to act in this manner

Coach Jen K. :

so I do suggest that you be open with him about it all

Coach Jen K. :

and if there are deeper issues going on with him then therapy would be the right place for him to look at this stuff

Customer: He can't respond sexually unless it's on his terms....he can't see me arrive home with a shopping bag without dashing out for a spending spree. We can't afford it, we have had to move out of our home. How can he be so selfish
Coach Jen K. :

he may not have control over some of this stuff...would he get into therapy to look at these behaviors?

Customer: therapy has helped him quite a lot. But somehow nothing changes
Customer: not really
Coach Jen K. :

so he is in therapy?

Customer: You are right, because I get so upset, when I talk to him he shuts down
Customer: sporadically he goes and we go together
Coach Jen K. :

yes because he might not be able to control these impulses and when it is brought up to him with possible anger then he will feel bad and shut down

Coach Jen K. :

ok well I am glad you go together and I would suggest that he going more than sporadically could be beneficial

Customer: but sometimes with his charm and my self destruct, he puts me in the wrong and I could just cry with frustration because he always comes out sounding sane and me like an in balanced idiot
Coach Jen K. :

it is frustrating I know...keep being open and less destructive to yourself and to him and work this out in therapy that is the safe palce to bring up your frustrations and anything you are feeling

Customer: So I am not being totally ungrateful when he buys me stuff and I end up angry? I
Coach Jen K. :

its not about being ungrateful...its about you desiring to feel special around a man that needs to be the center.

Coach Jen K. :

but you must bring it all up in therapy so it can be addressed and that is the place where the anger can get worked through

Customer: i don't even wear my engagement ring anymore because it's embarrassingly poor for a man of his status, I tried to be modest and not money grabbing....he actually went on that day to buy a leather jacket of same value then gave it to a charity shop 3 months later.
Coach Jen K. :

focus less on the material things and more on how you feel...that is where your work is together with the therapist.

Customer: Yes that's what it comes down to, how I'm left feeling. I find it hard to explain in any other tangible way, but then end up sounding materialist, which I hate
Coach Jen K. :

well you have done great work here with me so always push yourself to stay in the feeling state of it so it can be addressed.

Customer: so one nice candle triggers all these negative feelings .....it's horrible!
Coach Jen K. :

because you have been dealing with these behaviors for a while but please use the therapy together to be the place to work on this stuff...that is how change will happen.

Customer: Despite therapy, which is helping a lot, he still can't hear what I say. I have started to email so I can lay out all my feelings and reasonings for him to ponder. Seems to help but is this not just me trying to control his behaviour?
Coach Jen K. :

you might need to pull back a bit and deal with your own feelings too. hard to change another person so it comes down to you living with it or not.

Customer: Yes I have been doing that and I'm in a much better place, I guess it's up to him if he wants to keep up, I suppose it's my way of being sure I've told him how I feel before I make any drastic choices
Coach Jen K. :

exactly. Keep doing as you are...pull back a bit and work in therapy...all a great plan. please come back to me and let me know how you are doing.

Coach Jen K. :

I am here if you need. please take a moment to click on the rating tab. I thank you in advance.

Customer: Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX feels much clearer now!
Coach Jen K. :

I am so glad. come to me again by asking for CoachJenK. I am here

Coach Jen K. :

thank you in advance for a positive rating. Be well.

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