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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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hi Debra, please find below the latest texts messages, good

Resolved Question:

hi Debra, please find below the latest texts messages, good news is that she is back home. the bad is that she just wants to be friends..Needless to say i want more but am having trouble keeping calm and being patient. I am frighten to say anything for want of causing her to terminate the move and for us to sell up. She now likes the house and we have been out buying tiles bathroom suite and plants. She has told her mum and my son that I have changed which i have but she wont tell me that i get the message within the text. and she is keeping me at arms length still most probably waiting for me to make the mistake she thinks is coming.
how can i move this on, how can i get her to reflect on what she has done and what she is going through. Its as if she had just popped out with the exception of her dictating more to me. I feel that she feels that she can do what she wants without consequence. How can i gain some control back in this. messages below:
Jackie Yes sorry have you got one? 24 Mar 2014 09:47:44
Martin Not today I moved it to Jamie football day so as not to cause too much trouble at work. 24 Mar 2014 09:51:17
Jackie Makes sense ! 24 Mar 2014 09:51:49
Martin Feel free to park up at home. Maybe do some of your washing. 24 Mar 2014 09:52:16
Martin Thank you for doing mine I really appreciate it 24 Mar 2014 09:52:40
Jackie Think I wiki 24 Mar 2014 09:52:48
Jackie Will 24 Mar 2014 09:52:52
Martin Ha ha predictive strikes again lol 24 Mar 2014 09:53:21
Jackie My is at home 24 Mar 2014 09:54:05
Martin No problem take it round, watch a bit of tv 24 Mar 2014 09:54:50
Martin Thank god I tidied up last night. .lol 24 Mar 2014 09:55:15
Jackie There was 200r left in the bills act can I get Jamie so pants and sick from it? 24 Mar 2014 09:55:40
Martin Haven't done the bathrooms yet though 24 Mar 2014 09:55:41
Martin Of course its what it's there for 24 Mar 2014 09:56:34
Jackie Lol no worries ! 24 Mar 2014 09:58:23
Jackie Thanks 24 Mar 2014 09:58:30
Jackie Got him a new track suit too 24 Mar 2014 10:46:49
Martin Cool he has had a good day. I bought him some more footballs and shin pads and a pair of football boots 24 Mar 2014 11:30:14
Jackie Blimey! He's done very well! 24 Mar 2014 11:43:08
Martin Yeah I got the ball and pads yesterday on the way home. 24 Mar 2014 11:56:26
Martin How is the house. . 24 Mar 2014 11:57:35
Jackie Ok lol 24 Mar 2014 11:58:06
Martin Has Harry stunk it out. .lol 24 Mar 2014 11:58:07
Jackie 12589 try that fur Jamie's code and no he's behaved today ! 24 Mar 2014 12:08:19
Martin Cool, the phone is at home I want to back it up first. 24 Mar 2014 12:09:31
Jackie Ok 24 Mar 2014 12:09:56
Jackie I am going to move back home - being there at the weekend has made me realise I miss it a lot and so does Jamie. Mum has let it slip that she's bit as happy at Sylvia's as she makes out so I feel a bit bad living in her house! I hope this won't cause any problems? I will put the rest of the money into the joint bills account to equal yours . 24 Mar 2014 14:35:37
Jackie Also I can help you tackle that cat! Lol 24 Mar 2014 14:46:59
Martin Hi ya, no problem at all. Let me know if I can help you with anything. 24 Mar 2014 14:48:35
Martin Thanks for the help with the cat I need it. 24 Mar 2014 14:49:09
Jackie Got a trailer ? Lol thanks 24 Mar 2014 14:49:11
Martin Lol 24 Mar 2014 14:49:16
Martin Sadly not 24 Mar 2014 14:49:34
Jackie Ha ha! Is it ok to have my room back? 24 Mar 2014 14:49:56
Martin I did not manage to find one. 24 Mar 2014 14:49:59
Jackie I'll stuff it all in!! 24 Mar 2014 14:50:16
Martin Hmmm I suppose so lol. X 24 Mar 2014 14:50:40
Jackie Ta! I've finished your washing by the way. 24 Mar 2014 14:51:20
Martin You should have left it and watched me in action 24 Mar 2014 14:52:44
Jackie I didn't iron it!!!! That I will watch! 24 Mar 2014 14:53:32
Jackie Are you coming home normal time? I'll give Harry his pill now before I pop back round mums 24 Mar 2014 16:08:05
Martin I will be leaving normal time so could be home anytime. .lol:'( 24 Mar 2014 16:09:36
Jackie Ok I'll be gone by then . Ice moved a few bits in 24 Mar 2014 16:10:27
Martin Would you like me to go straight round your mums 24 Mar 2014 16:12:30
Martin Collect some stuff 24 Mar 2014 16:12:53
Martin For you 24 Mar 2014 16:13:01
Jackie No it's ok I'll do the week come home Friday let mum speak to Sylvia 24 Mar 2014 16:14:59
Jackie Give you time to do your ironing lol 24 Mar 2014 16:15:47
Martin Ok 24 Mar 2014 16:16:35
Martin You are out Friday 24 Mar 2014 16:17:10
Martin Up in London 24 Mar 2014 16:17:27
Jackie No I'm out Thursday fur my dept party and will stay up. Mums having Jamie at hers. 24 Mar 2014 16:25:26
Martin Oh thought it was Friday 24 Mar 2014 16:26:08
Jackie No. R u coMing to danis party on Saturday? 24 Mar 2014 16:27:32
Martin Yes 24 Mar 2014 16:27:49
Jackie Ok I'll put your name on the presents and cards! 24 Mar 2014 16:28:40
Martin Thank you, let me know when and how much I owe 24 Mar 2014 16:29:28
Ja
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.

Dear XXXXX :

Thank you for your question. This is great news that she moved back in and likes the house again. She is now taking the steps on getting her life back and she is including you.

Dear XXXXX :

The reason why she is just saying friends is she does not want the pressure right now.

Dear XXXXX :

She just wants you to keep being who you are and still remain trying to get her back. I feel that she is worried if she just says that you both are back together you might change and she does not want that to happen.

Dear XXXXX :

Right now she has your full attention because you are trying to get her back and that is what she always wanted was your full attention.

Dear XXXXX :

It almost sounds like you are both just started dating again. I think she is having fun starting over with you.

Dear XXXXX :

It is like having a totally new relationship together. If anything I feel like you both will fall in love even deeper with each other because you now know what it is like to live apart and you both know that is not what you both want.

Dear XXXXX :

It is very clear that you both love each other and need each other.

Dear XXXXX :

You both work very well together. you both compliment each other perfectly. You both seem to be very much of a team when it comes to having a life together. You both are considerate of each other and you make sure that each other is taken care of. It is a very special relationship that you have with each other. I feel right now this is very exciting too her.

Dear XXXXX :

Everything I just read it just reminds me of someone excited to have you back in her life.

Dear XXXXX :

She seems happy in her messages and happy that you both are now working together.

Dear XXXXX :

She has control over her life now because you gave her that space to make her own decisions. She is someone that wants to have her own opinion in this relationship.

Dear XXXXX :

She wants to know that she has a say and that you will listen and to consider her opinion. It is important that you let her make her own decisions.

Dear XXXXX :

You can suggest things but always remember to remind her that it is up to her and she has the finally say.

Dear XXXXX :

I see you both working together and what you gave her was control back into her life and that is why she came back.

Dear XXXXX :

I feel you are creating a bond together by picking out tile and plants. That is both of you making decisions together on your home. She is being included in making these changes. That creates a bond and I am are you both had fun creating these changes in your home.

Dear XXXXX :

I feel that changing the house will make her like the house even more and if she is happy, sees these changes, she will see your relationship in a new way. If she is happy and exceed about the house then she is going to be excited about starting this relationship again.

Dear XXXXX :

You both just needed this fresh start.

Dear XXXXX :

I know it is hard to be patient, but you both are getting right back on track. I do not believe it will be much longer. I want you to just enjoy this process of her coming back home. You want to do the things that you did when you first started dating.

Dear XXXXX :

Remember what it was like when you were trying to impress her when you first started dating. It would be nice to try and recreate your first date. You want her to feel special in the start of your new relationship together.

Customer:

Hi Debra, thank you for your response. I went on facebook and saw a link where a 10yr old gave a lesson in making a woman feel happy. It involved a red rose I went and got some that night and wrote a card saying that I am changing and to give me the chance.

Customer:

I left them on the bed as she had to have a bath on her return she thanked me for the flowers and when I went up to her bedroom the card was on her side cabinet. I also asked her for any dates that she may have so that I could plan around them this morning she came to me and gave me some dates that she had arranged.. I have also asked her if she could let me have a list of all the issues that she has had with me or is having with me so that I could go through them, I told her my counsellor felt that they would be helpful. She said that she would let me have the list. Thank you for your support this has been possible the worst period of my life. but I hope it is coming to an end soon.

Customer:

The only problem that i see here is that she is still not addressing the underlying problem of her past..I dont want to rock the boat just yet but she will need to sooner rather than later. Its the remark of me constantly poking her. when in actual fact I was trying to help her.

Dear XXXXX :

I feel that she might not ever be ready to talk about the past and I would not push her because I feel she does not want to remember everything she wants to forget and move on. She is just looking to start over again and forget all she has been through.

Dear XXXXX :

That was very nice all the things you did and say. I feel that being romantic is something she is looking for and the flower and card was a great start in making her feel very special.

Dear XXXXX :

The more you pay attention too her the more I feel she will open up too you and want to begin this relationship again.

Customer:

please find below the response to an email that i asked jackie to send me i received it just now.



Hi

here goes, this is not in any way meant as a have a go at Martin email, but things that I have been saying to you over the years, but feel you have never really listened to or heard.

I don't want a reply, I am past hearing the same responses, and to be honest I don't want to hear any new ones. I am exhausted with this relationship and anything to do with it right now just irritates me and makes me feel angry.

The sole reason I reason I am doing this, is because I hope it gives your councillor something to work on with you, and you can walk away from the sessions happier than you are, or have been for a long time.

I am not sure where to start, so I am just going to do some headings and hope they cover all my thoughts and feelings. I'm not putting them in any order of importance, just as they come to my head.

MONEY

When we met, it wasn't long afterwards that you got made redundant, to be honest you didn't make much of an effort to get another job and I felt I had to nag you to go out to get even a temp job. You did that eventually, and ended up going back to your old place of work because a telecoms job came up and someone told you about it. Before you went into your temping job, I thought it would be nice to treat you to a holiday which I did, and I paid for both of us. No big gesture, I just wanted something nice for us and nothing in return. You however always want something in return for your hard earnt cash!

You have stayed working in that telecoms job and taken on more and more work in the evenings and especially at weekends - most weekends in fact, and for over 12 years.

When we had Jamie, your answer to my postnatal depression was to work more and more weekends instead of giving me a break at weekends from the baby. You thought meals out were the answer, so carried on working all the weekends. It got to the point where you never listened to my requests for help and one morning I just gave Jamie to you and said I can't do this anymore. And this is exactly how our relationship has ended up now. The only time you ever sit up and listen to me is when I break because I can't do anymore. I am past caring about this relationship because I am all out of energy and have nothing left to give.



You have always said that you work for us, your family and that we couldn't have nice holidays if you didn't work and bring in the extra money the weekend work brought. I have always paid half, and you paid the other half.

I am now aware of how much money you bring in per year, you told me yourself when the child benefit allowance was cut and I had to make a decision on whether to stop it or not and needed to know your annual salary. I was surprised when you told me you brought home 106 or 108 thousand that year. Your working hours including weekend have been the same for a long time so I am making an assumption that you have been bringing in that kind of cash for a long time?

so with that in mind, and taking your comment "I am working for us" I really find it incredible that you have never said to me, I will pay for Jamie's part of the holiday? I have never expected you to pay for my part, I am an independent person and would not rely on anyone for anything I need. Where is the us in that?

You have said in the past that you have had 22k worth of debt and that you have been working to pay this off. That's great for you, but you could never have done that if I had not been at home looking after your son. So again I have to ask where is the we in this?

Whenever I have brought this up in the past, ie, where is the we in all this money you are earring, your response has been "I am not rewarding your bad behaviour". This basically left me feeling that unless I have sex with you, or play along and behave how you expect me to, then you would not consider treating me to a holiday because you had the extra cash where I did not.

YOUR BEHAVIOUR IN GENERAL

When I am at home with you, I feel like I am walking on egg shells all of the time. you slam doors, and I shut myself in my bedroom just waiting to see what the evening brings. Too many times you just start off a conversation - we need to to talk about us, and it will always end up with me in tears or so dam angry that I can't be in the same room as you. Every time I tell you how I feel, your response is "no! your wrong". I am not even allowed to feel how I feel about issues without being told I am wrong, you never take on board what I am saying or give it any thought, because you are so convinced you are right, and your actions were right. The good intention might have been there, but you never stopped to think about how I might feel or what affect it has on me. I am allowed to to feel how I feel and you have no right to tell me I am wrong when it comes to my thoughts.


 



Martin, until recently you have not taken any pride in our home, or appreciated the fact I have kept our house lovely and clean, made use the bills were paid on time, done the washing and ironing And always made sure when had what we needed when we needed it.

I have organised and made sure nothing was missed in Jamie's school calendar, his social events and clubs.

All You had to do was get yourself washed and dressed for work and go to work.

You would think nothing of chucking your dirty linen right by the linen basket or by the side of the washing machine on the floor. Is it so difficult to pull up the lid or open the door and put the clothes in?

Why cant you be careful when walking up the stairs and not slop tea over the new carpets and new painted walls? Why is it ok to bang nails in the newly painted stairs so you can put Christmas lights up? We have paid a small fortune to do our house up and make it beautiful, yet you have no awareness of keeping it nice. You keep hoarding the most incredible junk and our house and garage at one point was crammed with useless junk, it's a shame it took me moving out to make you have a clear out.

You usually think you are right, a car journey with you can have me on the edge of my seat! I'm not saying you're a dangerous driver, but why do you have to get so angry all the time and kick off. Just shut up and carry on driving without pulling upside someone's car and giving them grief. Is it a Man thing? I remember the day someone followed you home and was leaning through your car window on our drive.

MY ISSUES

So whilst I am sitting at home looking after our son, it came to the point where I thought, this is ridiculous, I need to get myself a life. so over the years I built myself a life with Jamie and my circle of friends. I added to that circle of friends over the years, I had to, Martin was never there and I was not going to put my life on hold - I felt neglected, so did something about it and got myself a life.


I like a night out with my friends without Jamie, and it starts off with me thinking, oh here we go, I want a night out and he's going to say, he has something on that night, so I cancel, and then he never goes out. I recently missed out on going a to 2 very good friends 30th and 40th birthday joint parties because he wrote over my date booking on the Calendar that he was going out, knowing I could not get a babysitter or that I would not ask my mum to do it. So, I cancelled. He never went out, and didn't tell me until afterwards that his night was cancelled. He told me when I questioned him about it, that he knew I wasn't going as my mum had told him, so he thought he would be ok for a night out instead. this is a lie, because I didn't tell my mum I wasn't going until the night before. Martin had written that on the calendar knowing I would cancel as Jamie comes first and not my social life.


When I go out, Martin will usually start a row with me, so I go out either upset or in a bad mood. Guaranteed evening killer.

If there is an obstacle put in my way of going out and I ask Martin if he is in to look after his son, his response is "I am not your babysitter" No Martin, you are his father and it should never be looked upon as a chore to look after him. You do this to stop me going out. I have looked after and brought your son up out if love not a chore and certainly not thought of it as babysitting!

I have had many promises from Martin about "me weekends" unfortunately, the notice he gives me is the Friday night before or Saturday morning when I have little to zero chance of arranging anything. And he knows this.

When he decides he is not working on the occasional weekend, he expects me to just drop everything and make a weekend of it with him, then gets in a mood when I won't cancel my plans - again, rarely any notice.

When we do arrange to go out with friends, he is usually late home from work at the weekends and makes us all late for the evening. Work work work - always comes first.

Martin can be incredibly spiteful at times, and feels it is ok to say nasty things to me then just laugh it off later and expects me to be OK about it. He tells me to let the feelings/issues go, well I might if he didn't keep repeating his nastiness. he is often vocal and embarrassing in front of our friends, making jibes about our lack of sex life, losing his temper because he thinks I am acting in a certain way. Examples are -

He has said to me that I should,not live in this family home because I do not act like part of the family, so should leave.

He lost his temper on New Year's Eve in front of all of our friends because I wasn't taking a picture of me him and Jamie quick enough. He pushed me off of the chair we were all sitting on, and said that if I didn't want him in the picture to just f**king say so. I asked to speak to him in the kitchen and then asked him not to speak to me like that in front of our son and friends as it was not on.

He took the spare bed he was sleeping in down to the dump, so he had to then sleep in my bed with me, even though he knew I didn't want to share a bed with him. He knew this would upset and aggravate me, so I slept on the sofa for a while until I ordered a new bed.

NEVER LISTENS TO ME

Martin has probably told you we have had numerous counselling sessions together, and to this day I don't think he could list what I am unhappy about because he just does not hear what I have to say. he cooked me dinner a few weeks back, after I told him I didn't want any. It was burnt, so I threw it away (no big scene caused by me) and he went and cooked another dinner for me after saying For a second time, I didn't want any. That got chucked in the bin too.

today, I have said I want a day in and don't want to go out. So he keeps asking if I want to go to the garden centre, no, I said I want to stay in, then he says I can go out if I want to. It's not until, I yell I WANT TO STAY IN, he understands. Just listen to me!!!

FEELING SUFFOCATED

It strange to say Martin has neglected me, then say he suffocates me. I will try and explain. Martin doesn't like me going out, yet he is happy to leave me at home at weekends on my own. he took the lock off of the bathroom door because he said it felt like I was shutting him out? There is no privacy or me space in the house , I can't go even just shut and lock the bathroom door and have a bath in peace. It is ludicrous.

I feel like I am All Martin has in his life, and he looks to me for his happiness, he very rarely goes out with his friends or mates from work and looks to me to be his whole social life. Unless I am in it, he doesn't see to have one and that is a lot of pressure on me. I cannot be responsible for another adults happiness.

before he moved out for the 2 weeks, I told him I needed some space and time out to get my head together. So he left, as soon as I ask for more time away from him, he says he is moving back in, so I have to move out with Jamie as I find it really hard to be around him at the moment.

I have had to move back in as my mum needed her bungalow back, and I miss my home.


Martin has been blaming a particular friend of mine for this, he feels she is filling my head with thoughts of what an amazing single life I could have. He could not be more wrong, he's looking to blame anyone rather than see his faults in this. My friend has been there for me whilst I have been in tears, she has cooked me dinner, had me over for the weekend because I hated staying at my mums bungalow because growing up there was one of the worst periods of my life and I hated staying in there at the weekend. Martin knew I hated it there, but was more than happy to let me stay there, but quick to poke the finger of blame at the one person who helped me though all of this.




I am not sure there is a way forward for me with Martin as I am mentally exhausted by him and his behaviour. I am not saying I am the easiest person to live with but I have always made us a nice home, never looked at him to support me financially in any way.


I can't keep organising my life around his working hours and days.

What caused the split? I couldn't take anymore of living like this, we have grown so far apart and I feel like I am just your house keeper.

Customer:

where do I go from here..

Customer:

I saw her afterwards and she was upset, what can i do i cant seem to find a way into her. I am even considering asking her friend for help. The one that i am having issues with. I really dont care what I have to do so long as I can win her back and that seems more and more less likely. It seems that to make her happy I need to be gone.. I cant believe that this has turned round so quickly. I have no idea where my card is that was on the side most probably in the bin. I am again in turmoil over this. I see all of the comments raised and would really like to address them but am blocked by her comments and also by the not listening clause if I mention anything then I am open to be accused of not listening to her. I am so so much a different person than the one that did those things..I need help on a collosal scale. or should I just accept my fate!!

Customer:

Hi further to the above, we went shopping today for food and went round the isles she mentioned that she wanted something which I retreived and at the same time mentioned to her that sometimes i dont hear her clearly so would ask again its not that i am not listening but i may not of heard her. We went home and I tidied up my sons room and was happy to see that the card that I had bought her was on the window sill not the bin. Also she went down stairs to fill a hot water bottle and i enquired if there was enough for a coffee in the kettle the next thing i know is she is bringing me up a cup of coffee up stairs(her making coffee is a rare occasion) i mentioned to her not to spill it on the way up which brought a smile and a comment to her face. She is so tipsy turvy at the moment, she has all the windows open when she has a hot flush and sends me an email like the one above then does these simple things. I know the menopause can cause irrational actions and suspect that this is a factor at the moment but she will not admit it at all. i am riding a storm here,

Customer:

With reference to the email itself the majority is true in the early years I was very immature and did the things she mentioned but did have my reasons I did make sacrafices in the way of time with my son and jackie. I am trying to make up for lost time which will explain the suffocation comment and the neglect, the phrase rewarding her bad behaviour was a reference i made when I was about to buy something for her and it annoyed me that she would not treat me nicely and i was effectively buying her something for being horrible to me. I do have an equivilant to this email but will hold off until she becomes receptive to my comments and is sensitive to my feelings.

Dear XXXXX :

Thank you for your question.

Dear XXXXX :

This is very good that she is openly expressing how she feels.

Dear XXXXX :

I feel like she has been holding all that in for so long out of fear that you would not listen or understand. She never wanted to bring anything p because she felt that you would just say she was wrong.

Dear XXXXX :

So what you need to do is really listen o what she is saying. Be open to all the things she has said that bothers her.

Dear XXXXX :

She is being very direct in what she wants changed. Some thing are simple like taking care of the house. That seems to be very important too her. She like to have a clean home. She takes pride in her home it is special too her.

Dear XXXXX :

Not everyone is the same in their thinking.

Dear XXXXX :

Some people just want to feel comfortable and live in their homes. While others feel it should always be neat and tidy so that things last. People do things differently and each person needs to accept the way each others do things.

Dear XXXXX :

It is impotent to understand each others way. I feel no person is right or wrong in how they live in their home when it comes to keeping a home up. That is something that is important too her and I feel you should tell her that you will continue to work on this because you know it bothers her.

Dear XXXXX :

I feel that there was a lot missed in this relationship because there was arguments and you were providing for your family. You could not always be there, but I feel when you were it might have been arguing because she was upset about being by herself or you were just tired from working and need that time to relax.

Dear XXXXX :

It is important for her to remain in control of her life. She is saying that she feel you only change when you are apart. So you need to show her what it would be like if you both were back together.

Customer:

Hi

Customer:

What was missed, how do I open her to chat about this. I do feel that I can talk to her. I want for us to get closer but am frustrated that I don't know how to do it. I have been trying to get across the fact that I only work for the family. But failed in this. I feel that I need your help in formulating a dialogue with her. One that will be a show stopper I don't want to leave the house again. But so want to be with her.

Dear XXXXX : When it comes too you working for the family all she sees is you not spending time with her.
Dear XXXXX : Even though you were doing the right thing she does see it that way. She sees it that you left her alone.
Dear XXXXX : she really has opened up in the last messages so I feel it is clear what the problems were.
Dear XXXXX : now it is up too you to show her you can change.
Dear XXXXX : she felt like you were controlling her life and she had no opinion like she was just invisible. You need to make her feel like she is center if attention like she is the only women in the room.
Dear XXXXX : She just is looking for you to be in her life to love her and understand her needs.
Dear XXXXX : you both are wonderful parents and I feel that together you both can be in an amazing relationship. Right now she is getting frustrated with everything because she is still trying to get her point across.
Dear XXXXX : Instead of telling her you want to now show her.
Customer:

Thank you so much.

Dear Debra and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you