please find below the response to an email that i asked jackie to send me i received it just now.
here goes, this is not in any way meant as a have a go at Martin email, but things that I have been saying to you over the years, but feel you have never really listened to or heard.
I don't want a reply, I am past hearing the same responses, and to be honest I don't want to hear any new ones. I am exhausted with this relationship and anything to do with it right now just irritates me and makes me feel angry.
The sole reason I reason I am doing this, is because I hope it gives your councillor something to work on with you, and you can walk away from the sessions happier than you are, or have been for a long time.
I am not sure where to start, so I am just going to do some headings and hope they cover all my thoughts and feelings. I'm not putting them in any order of importance, just as they come to my head.
When we met, it wasn't long afterwards that you got made redundant, to be honest you didn't make much of an effort to get another job and I felt I had to nag you to go out to get even a temp job. You did that eventually, and ended up going back to your old place of work because a telecoms job came up and someone told you about it. Before you went into your temping job, I thought it would be nice to treat you to a holiday which I did, and I paid for both of us. No big gesture, I just wanted something nice for us and nothing in return. You however always want something in return for your hard earnt cash!
You have stayed working in that telecoms job and taken on more and more work in the evenings and especially at weekends - most weekends in fact, and for over 12 years.
When we had Jamie, your answer to my postnatal depression was to work more and more weekends instead of giving me a break at weekends from the baby. You thought meals out were the answer, so carried on working all the weekends. It got to the point where you never listened to my requests for help and one morning I just gave Jamie to you and said I can't do this anymore. And this is exactly how our relationship has ended up now. The only time you ever sit up and listen to me is when I break because I can't do anymore. I am past caring about this relationship because I am all out of energy and have nothing left to give.
You have always said that you work for us, your family and that we couldn't have nice holidays if you didn't work and bring in the extra money the weekend work brought. I have always paid half, and you paid the other half.
I am now aware of how much money you bring in per year, you told me yourself when the child benefit allowance was cut and I had to make a decision on whether to stop it or not and needed to know your annual salary. I was surprised when you told me you brought home 106 or 108 thousand that year. Your working hours including weekend have been the same for a long time so I am making an assumption that you have been bringing in that kind of cash for a long time?
so with that in mind, and taking your comment "I am working for us" I really find it incredible that you have never said to me, I will pay for Jamie's part of the holiday? I have never expected you to pay for my part, I am an independent person and would not rely on anyone for anything I need. Where is the us in that?
You have said in the past that you have had 22k worth of debt and that you have been working to pay this off. That's great for you, but you could never have done that if I had not been at home looking after your son. So again I have to ask where is the we in this?
Whenever I have brought this up in the past, ie, where is the we in all this money you are earring, your response has been "I am not rewarding your bad behaviour". This basically left me feeling that unless I have sex with you, or play along and behave how you expect me to, then you would not consider treating me to a holiday because you had the extra cash where I did not.
YOUR BEHAVIOUR IN GENERAL
When I am at home with you, I feel like I am walking on egg shells all of the time. you slam doors, and I shut myself in my bedroom just waiting to see what the evening brings. Too many times you just start off a conversation - we need to to talk about us, and it will always end up with me in tears or so dam angry that I can't be in the same room as you. Every time I tell you how I feel, your response is "no! your wrong". I am not even allowed to feel how I feel about issues without being told I am wrong, you never take on board what I am saying or give it any thought, because you are so convinced you are right, and your actions were right. The good intention might have been there, but you never stopped to think about how I might feel or what affect it has on me. I am allowed to to feel how I feel and you have no right to tell me I am wrong when it comes to my thoughts.
Martin, until recently you have not taken any pride in our home, or appreciated the fact I have kept our house lovely and clean, made use the bills were paid on time, done the washing and ironing And always made sure when had what we needed when we needed it.
I have organised and made sure nothing was missed in Jamie's school calendar, his social events and clubs.
All You had to do was get yourself washed and dressed for work and go to work.
You would think nothing of chucking your dirty linen right by the linen basket or by the side of the washing machine on the floor. Is it so difficult to pull up the lid or open the door and put the clothes in?
Why cant you be careful when walking up the stairs and not slop tea over the new carpets and new painted walls? Why is it ok to bang nails in the newly painted stairs so you can put Christmas lights up? We have paid a small fortune to do our house up and make it beautiful, yet you have no awareness of keeping it nice. You keep hoarding the most incredible junk and our house and garage at one point was crammed with useless junk, it's a shame it took me moving out to make you have a clear out.
You usually think you are right, a car journey with you can have me on the edge of my seat! I'm not saying you're a dangerous driver, but why do you have to get so angry all the time and kick off. Just shut up and carry on driving without pulling upside someone's car and giving them grief. Is it a Man thing? I remember the day someone followed you home and was leaning through your car window on our drive.
So whilst I am sitting at home looking after our son, it came to the point where I thought, this is ridiculous, I need to get myself a life. so over the years I built myself a life with Jamie and my circle of friends. I added to that circle of friends over the years, I had to, Martin was never there and I was not going to put my life on hold - I felt neglected, so did something about it and got myself a life.
I like a night out with my friends without Jamie, and it starts off with me thinking, oh here we go, I want a night out and he's going to say, he has something on that night, so I cancel, and then he never goes out. I recently missed out on going a to 2 very good friends 30th and 40th birthday joint parties because he wrote over my date booking on the Calendar that he was going out, knowing I could not get a babysitter or that I would not ask my mum to do it. So, I cancelled. He never went out, and didn't tell me until afterwards that his night was cancelled. He told me when I questioned him about it, that he knew I wasn't going as my mum had told him, so he thought he would be ok for a night out instead. this is a lie, because I didn't tell my mum I wasn't going until the night before. Martin had written that on the calendar knowing I would cancel as Jamie comes first and not my social life.
When I go out, Martin will usually start a row with me, so I go out either upset or in a bad mood. Guaranteed evening killer.
If there is an obstacle put in my way of going out and I ask Martin if he is in to look after his son, his response is "I am not your babysitter" No Martin, you are his father and it should never be looked upon as a chore to look after him. You do this to stop me going out. I have looked after and brought your son up out if love not a chore and certainly not thought of it as babysitting!
I have had many promises from Martin about "me weekends" unfortunately, the notice he gives me is the Friday night before or Saturday morning when I have little to zero chance of arranging anything. And he knows this.
When he decides he is not working on the occasional weekend, he expects me to just drop everything and make a weekend of it with him, then gets in a mood when I won't cancel my plans - again, rarely any notice.
When we do arrange to go out with friends, he is usually late home from work at the weekends and makes us all late for the evening. Work work work - always comes first.
Martin can be incredibly spiteful at times, and feels it is ok to say nasty things to me then just laugh it off later and expects me to be OK about it. He tells me to let the feelings/issues go, well I might if he didn't keep repeating his nastiness. he is often vocal and embarrassing in front of our friends, making jibes about our lack of sex life, losing his temper because he thinks I am acting in a certain way. Examples are -
He has said to me that I should,not live in this family home because I do not act like part of the family, so should leave.
He lost his temper on New Year's Eve in front of all of our friends because I wasn't taking a picture of me him and Jamie quick enough. He pushed me off of the chair we were all sitting on, and said that if I didn't want him in the picture to just f**king say so. I asked to speak to him in the kitchen and then asked him not to speak to me like that in front of our son and friends as it was not on.
He took the spare bed he was sleeping in down to the dump, so he had to then sleep in my bed with me, even though he knew I didn't want to share a bed with him. He knew this would upset and aggravate me, so I slept on the sofa for a while until I ordered a new bed.
NEVER LISTENS TO ME
Martin has probably told you we have had numerous counselling sessions together, and to this day I don't think he could list what I am unhappy about because he just does not hear what I have to say. he cooked me dinner a few weeks back, after I told him I didn't want any. It was burnt, so I threw it away (no big scene caused by me) and he went and cooked another dinner for me after saying For a second time, I didn't want any. That got chucked in the bin too.
today, I have said I want a day in and don't want to go out. So he keeps asking if I want to go to the garden centre, no, I said I want to stay in, then he says I can go out if I want to. It's not until, I yell I WANT TO STAY IN, he understands. Just listen to me!!!
It strange to say Martin has neglected me, then say he suffocates me. I will try and explain. Martin doesn't like me going out, yet he is happy to leave me at home at weekends on my own. he took the lock off of the bathroom door because he said it felt like I was shutting him out? There is no privacy or me space in the house , I can't go even just shut and lock the bathroom door and have a bath in peace. It is ludicrous.
I feel like I am All Martin has in his life, and he looks to me for his happiness, he very rarely goes out with his friends or mates from work and looks to me to be his whole social life. Unless I am in it, he doesn't see to have one and that is a lot of pressure on me. I cannot be responsible for another adults happiness.
before he moved out for the 2 weeks, I told him I needed some space and time out to get my head together. So he left, as soon as I ask for more time away from him, he says he is moving back in, so I have to move out with Jamie as I find it really hard to be around him at the moment.
I have had to move back in as my mum needed her bungalow back, and I miss my home.
Martin has been blaming a particular friend of mine for this, he feels she is filling my head with thoughts of what an amazing single life I could have. He could not be more wrong, he's looking to blame anyone rather than see his faults in this. My friend has been there for me whilst I have been in tears, she has cooked me dinner, had me over for the weekend because I hated staying at my mums bungalow because growing up there was one of the worst periods of my life and I hated staying in there at the weekend. Martin knew I hated it there, but was more than happy to let me stay there, but quick to poke the finger of blame at the one person who helped me though all of this.
I am not sure there is a way forward for me with Martin as I am mentally exhausted by him and his behaviour. I am not saying I am the easiest person to live with but I have always made us a nice home, never looked at him to support me financially in any way.
I can't keep organising my life around his working hours and days.
What caused the split? I couldn't take anymore of living like this, we have grown so far apart and I feel like I am just your house keeper.