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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question
Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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relationship query, best way to deal with a situation

Resolved Question:

relationship query, best way to deal with a situation
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 3 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Welcome back. Do you want me to support you today?

Customer:

yes please. bit of a silly one but it's always good to get a second opinion!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No problem. I am here to support you.

Customer:

so my now boyfriend who i have chatted to you about before, is being great. he's very attentive, kind, has recently told me he loves me which I wasn't expecting!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see

Customer:

so today i checked out his twitter, it's all public. he has sent out a tweet to a dominatrix type woman, all it's all public, asking for pictures. i had noticed he has sent one before but that was before our relationship was developing. whereas this tweet was sent today.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to hear that. How do you feel now about it?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Did you discuss about the previous incident that happened before you started dating?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

is this type of behavior consistent with the relationship you have?

Customer:

well i told him by email that i'd seen it and it's not really something girlfriends would enjoy seeing and it's a real shame. his response is asking whether i'm a stalker and it's normal for men, only pictures and it's not like he's cheating on me or treating me badly.

Customer:

no i didn't, i just ignored it but it wasn't my business then. now i just feel as his girlfriend, his mates will see his tweet and i'll look like an idiot. his behaviour in our relationship is rather wonderful, so far the best boyfriend i've had.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's very concerning. How do you feel about a response like that?

Customer:

i just don't think he understands that it could make me feel insecure. but perhaps i'm being unreasonable? i mean he is right, but it's not very sensitive to my feelings.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, then it could be very shocking for you to find out this way the way he truly thinks, values things and considers as normal and fine sexual behavior.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No, I do not think it is right, unless both of you feel comfortable with, want and agree to engage in such type of sexual behavior, only then it would be acceptable in your relationship, otherwise it is obviously disrespectful, offesnive and abusive

Customer:

yes he hasn't been in many relationships and he has admitted that sex is just sex to him, whereas i think i'm more emotional about it. i don't believe he would cheat on me at all, he sees them as just sexy pictures

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If your core value and belief system are incompatible with this type of behavior, then for sure it is not right nor healthy at all for you,

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then you would need to be very clear about what you want and are willing to take and expect from him, taking into account the way he considers sex. People presenting this behavior could also see what would be for most people cheating, as just sex since there was no emotional involvement. So it is concerning since you do not seem to share his same views and values.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

While using pornography could be fine under certain boundaries, for a person in a committed relationship to openly and publicly ask a woman to send her pictures is not considered as even respectful or acceptable for most women, unless you happen to have value, belief systems and an approach to sexuality open to that type of behavior.

Customer:

yes what you say makes sense, i will talk to him about it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Good. I hope he shows insight, sensitivity, understanding and respect towards you around this issue.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please reflect on it and let me know what happens for me to follow up and support you further if possible, OK?

Customer:

ok thank you, XXXXX XXXXX been emailing, he says he feels awkward and embarrassed.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Let's see what he does from now on after you openly talk about it.

Customer:

thank you, XXXXX XXXXX helps

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. Thank you for your trust. take gentle care.

Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you