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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question
Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hello, I am sorry to bother you, but I dont know what to do.

Resolved Question:

Hello, I am sorry to bother you, but I don't know what to do. I am in a right state. I have been married to my husband nearly 2 years now, but been together for nearly 13 years. But I have fallen in love with my line manager and I don't know what to do for the best. I want to apply for a secondment, but my boss say he does not want me to go and that if I did there might not be a job I could go back to as we have an organisational restructure soon. I enjoy the work I do, but can't be near him, he is the Head of Service so I can't get away, but I could ask to be line manager someone that I really do not like. I am now not sure if I should go for this job or not? Any advise please.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 3 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to now about this concerning and frustrating situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for being here.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The approach you should take depends on what you expect and feel willing to afford about this situation.

Customer:

What do you mean

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me more about your plans around your marriage? You said you have fallen in love with your manager, right? Then what do you feel and want to do about your marriage?

Customer:

That's really hard to say. My husband has been saying horrible things about how I am as a person, but I think that is more because of his insecurities. I have know my boss for 6 years now and really really like him and I wish I didn't coz he is married and nothing is ever going to happen between us, so I keep trying to get away and not getting anywhere.

Customer:

My husband and I were supposed to be trying for a baby but he is not interested so we are growing distance and I feel like we want different things in life. He is a lo older then me. I am 33 and he is 45

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. I am sorry to know you have had these marital problems, including verbal and emotional abuse.It could explain why you allowed yourself to feel attracted to and fall in love for your boss, but at the same time, you know it is not healthy since he has his own life.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then two concrete situations seem to be the core issues here. One that your marriage has become unhealthy, dysfunctional and non-fulfilling, and that this painful reality has led you to attach to your boss, who is not available, then you also need to set boundaries and confront yourself in order not to fuel an illusion about him, while you know there is nothing that could happen between you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then your first priorities here would to come to terms with reality, with the fact that your marriage has not been working and unless both of you change a lot it would not get better with time but worsen even more.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then your feelings towards your boss, have become another big issue and not something healthy in your life, but something showing you how unhappy you feel in your marriage.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then you need to work on making necessary changes that would allow you not to perpetuate situations that cause pain, frustration, anxiety or that negatively impact your life, but choose those that would allow you to take good care of yourself and to rebuild a life that feels worthy and truly fulfilling for you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

At your job you know that the more you perpetuate this closeness to your boss, the worse you would feel, and the deeper the pain you would have to afford would become too. Then I think to take good care of your mental and emotional health must be a priority before any other thing, and that would imply focusing on finding another better position at this company as possible, and if that does not work, to improve your coping skills an work on yourself in order to learn to stop fueling further romantic feelings towards your boss

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If after you try all this, it still does not work, then it would be wiser to look for another job, and as soon as you get a new one, you would leave your current employment. For this process to work the best fr you, I strongly suggest you to look fr a competent and experienced professional to support you with individual counseling/psychotherapy to work on yourself, on better understanding yourself, processing your feelings, and assessing your core needs and expectations, to develop an action plan, and to consistently implement it around your career and marriage.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This way you would have the best tools and support not to sabotage yourself, and to effectively cope with all the challenges and stressors that this process presents.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer:

It does, so in the mean time I can ask to be line managed by someone else which would be more professional as he currently asks a lot of personal questions and the other lady does not like me and we don't get on that much but at least I won't be with him, but I am anxious over this because she upsets me all the time and I don't know what will be worse. I will also seek some HR advise on the secondment opportunity and apply for this other role that is due on Tuesday.

Customer:

My husband and I have had relationship counselling and I have had CBT in the past but not for this

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sounds reasonable, assertive and proactive. Healthy and clear boundaries and limits must be set and kept at work relationships, otherwise dual relationships and abusive behaviors would arise, and it is unacceptable for your boss to push you with personal questions. I suggest you to discuss with HR about this concrete concerns, since it is essential for your boss to fully respect you and comply with rules and regulations at the work place. In this way you would not have to leave your job, change to be under a hostile supervisor. Only if you do all of this and things do not improve, then you would consider other options. Obviously the chance to get another job in the company could be the best chance for you, so please work on that too.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

HR would/should clearly see how unacceptable your boss's behavior has been pushing you to answer personal questions, that can be considered harassment and is never acceptable. I am sorry to know past counseling support has not worked to heal and strengthen your marriage, which shows how serious and chronic these issues have been. This is why I strongly suggest you to get a good psychotherapist to support you working on both core issues (marital situation and issue at workplace).

Customer:

I've been trying to get out a while now, but it is hard when the only roles are coming up as fixed term or secondments and he doesn't want me to go for them. It's hard as we have an imminent restructure in September that will change things, but I don't think there will be opportunities for permanent roles and my husband is self-employed so I can't afford to go for a fixed term. It's been like this for nearly 3 years, it's a nightmare and I keep holding on and hoping things will get better

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

In order to build and enjoy a truly healthy, mature and fulfilling marriage, spouses need to share the same core value and belief systems, needs and expectations, have compatible personalities and life styles, and show consistent "reciprocal" respect, caring, understanding, affection and passion, otherwise different forms of abuse and neglect would arise, leading to a very dysfunctional an non-fulfilling experience, far away from what a marriage is supposed to be. If a person finds herself into such distressful, frustrating and sad reality, and her husband is unable and/or unwilling to make necessary changes and improvements, or if healthy and fulfilling love is not present anymore, then it would be necessary to reassess what you really want and can afford in the long run in this marriage.

It's has taken already too long and it is not good for your mental health and well-being,, that's why you need to be very realistic and proactive, setting your priorities and focusing on taking consistent actions to improve your reality. This is why individual psychotherapy seems necessary here.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Focus on what you can and should control, and that would allow you to effectively cope while taking good care of yourself, and do not allow nor enable any form of abuse or manipulation from anybody, confronting unacceptable behaviors, and setting good boundaries. Then time will show you which are the best options for you and you would know how to handle them, since you would be more assertive and self-confident.

Customer:

ok I'm a bit more clearer on what I need to do now. Thank you for your help and sorry for being pathetic

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please be very realistic and proactive, so you would not self-sabotage nor perpetuate this unhealthy situations even more, but actively make things work.

You're very welcome, you have not been pathetic at all, but real and honest, keep expressing and venting your feelings, facing things and taking consistent actions that could allow you to be and feel better.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.


This is the direct link to my profile http://www.justanswer.com/relationship/expert-rafael-morales-toia/, just make sure you state "For Rafael only" in your request, for other experts to know you want me to reply, and I will respond in less than an hour most of the time.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care and consistent action.

Customer:

Thank you I shall if I need to. Thank you once again, take care of yourself and goodbye

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Good.Thanks. Goodbye.

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