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Ask Dear Debra Your Own Question

Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Hi, not so much of a question more advice. I am 39, I am in

Customer Question

Hi, not so much of a question more advice. I am 39, I am in the process of divorcing my husband of 14 years- he has taken it badly but I simply no longer love him. Last Aug/sept I met a guy on line and we chatted, we met up and pow got on amazingly, easily and intimately. He was kind, attentive and calming in a bad situation. He is in the services and has been posted overseas and this occurred just after our second date....... He immediately asked if I would visit him........ I have returning 2 days ago and was met by a completely different man- I asked him outright if he wanted to call it a day and the answer was no emphatically. I have been under huge stress and was overly sensitive I know; my ex texted and or called daily which I know irritated my boyfriend as it pushed me to be distracted but he knew my situation.......... He is 40 no kids and has been single save for a 3 year marriage that ended in divorce with them having never lived together ( she was American ), she was unfaithful. He has never even lived with someone- I think he maybe incapable of a relationship I need an opinion pls
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.

Dear Debra :

Thank you for your question.

Dear Debra :

Being in services they move around quite a bit. When it comes to being in the services they have to be ready to pack up at any moment when called to a certain duty.

Dear Debra :

I feel that him being in a marriage where he never lived with the person is very normal for people in the services. Some times the wives are able to live on base or if they chose not to they do not have to, it is all up to wether they want that certain life style that goes along with the services life.

Dear Debra :

I feel that when you find the right person your always open to having that commitment.

Dear Debra :

Being in the services and always moving around it is very hard to have a relationship and be able to trust the person you feel in love with because they know they can not always be there.

Dear Debra :

I feel you both have a good start, it is clear that he wants to see you and is interested. I do believe that this could be a wonderful relationship. He knows your story and why your ex still calls and he accepts that.

Dear Debra :

It is very true what you said about your ex being a distraction when he calls or texts, but you just need to reassure your new relationship that you are fully focused on getting to know him. He just would want to know if you are in this relationship to stay.

Dear Debra :

You would have trust issues due to him being cheated on and that is why you need to reassure him that will never happened.

Dear Debra :

You no longer love your ex and you have moved on but your ex is still seems like he is hoping to get you back.

Dear Debra :

You want to be very clear with your ex that you have moved on and that you understand that he still loves you.

Dear Debra :

But he needs to know that you are no longer in love with him and you are seeing someone else.

Dear Debra :

When people separate people always believe there is a chance to reconcile because they are still in love with the person. They have regret of not changing things for them to stay in the relationship. They have hope that it is not too late, but it is too late and you have moved on.

Dear Debra :

You have been together for a long time. Your ex needs time to heal and understand that you have moved on.

Dear Debra :

But that will take time and right now he will continue to try to get you back.

Dear Debra :

But I would make very clear in your new relationship that you will not being going back to your ex. People often worry about that when people separate. There is always that fear that they will get back together.

Dear Debra :

It is important that he know that relationship is over.

Dear Debra :

I feel that when you fall in love it is very easy to make a commitment. People often have no control over their emotions when it comes to loving someone. You just never know, he could ask you to marry him once your divorce is finally.

Dear Debra :

I do feel he will commit because he has been married before. He could of course have concerns since he was cheated on before but I feel that he will make that commitment.

Dear Debra :

You also could bring the subject up as well. I would discuss marriage and see how he feels about remarrying again.

Dear Debra :

I am sure he also wants to know where you stand as well. He might think you might never marry again.

Dear Debra :

You want to talk about your wants and needs in a relationship. Talk about your goals and where you see your future. I am sure he has many questions he would like to ask you.

Dear Debra :

It will give you both a chance to get to know each other and understand what each other wants in a relationship.

Dear Debra :

If you have any more question I would be happy to help you. Thank you.

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