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Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming situation.
The situation you are describing here is very serious, sad and concerning.
Since it shows several issue deeply affecting your husband's mood. behavior and ability to cope.
Obviously you and your family are the main victims here, and it is very painful to see how after these traumas your husband continues self-sabotaging while causing even more suffering to all of you.
He is not coping at all. He didn`t speak for days & we think he has bi-polar or severe depression. But I was helping him & when I asked him where I stood in our relationship now, he said that he didn`t think we could be the same again. He wanted us back together but has now taken a back step. Do I leave him to recover then approach him again?
Could you please tell if this was the first time he presented serious marital and mental health problems?
Thank you for replying.
No he has a history of depression from 10 year sago. He can be very moody & unstable.
I`ve done everythin I can for him. I sabed his life, did`nt sleep for 41 hours then slept on a hospital room floor.
It means he got truly overwhlemed and vulnerable to the point of becoming this destructive against himself, regardless the pain he woudl have inflicted in all of you, and now regalI see, then it seems very serious indeed...
His situation is very complex since he is abusing very powerful drugs, so he requires intensive treatment, and pushing him would not help at all. I believe you have been a wonderful source of compassion and support, but there ins not much more you could do about it now
Do I just let him recover? Will he see things differently when he is more stable?
He needs intensive "dual-diagnosis" treatment, which means professional psychological and medical support to work on rehabilitating from his depression, mood disorders and the impact drugs have had on him.
Yes, the top priority now is for him to recover, so anything people around him could to to promote his life integrity and rehabilitation should be supported.
yes he has an asessment by pscychiatry next week. do i still support him? is there any hope for us in the future?
Unhappily this does not mean nor guaranty he would be able to take good care of your marriage and family, since that's something only he can decide once he gets rehabilitated.
This is a very personal decision oyu need to make based on your personal value and belief system, core needs and expectations, while being aware that nothing guaranties he would get back to work on healing your marriage.
There could be always hope, but it depends on what he really feels and wants for you, since marriage depends on reciprocal love, passion, respect, responsibility and commitment.
I understand that. I`ve seen the other side to him though, when he is well, he was euphoric 4 weeks ago when he wanted us back together
It is very important for him to get a complete assessment to identify the core disorders he may have developed, including his drug abuse problem, then he would need to commit to intensive treatment, and only time will show you if he makes his rehabilitation work.
Close family members and friends who are part of his support system should play an active role supporting him, but again, your situation is tough since you do nto know if he would give your marriage another chance once he recovers, and you do not either know if he would truly rehabilitate from these disorders, since it will time and hard work.
He tried to leave a few nights ago. Then minutes later he called me crying to come back to me. He doesn`t cope very well on his own
I`m guessing this will just take time.....
Right, and as I said, since he has been using these very powerful drugs, now his situation/mental health are much more undermined, since these drugs could create any serious mental health disorder, and he was already suffering for years from depression, then all core issues-disorders must be treated.
It will for sure.
SO you need to be very aware of reality and come to terms with the fact that there is a chance that he chooses not to continue with you for the long run. Please get individual counselling for you to be able to effectively cope, heal and take good care of yourself and family, since this is tough for anybody in your shoes and you do not want to afford getting chronically depressed, or develop ant mental disorder, since you are vulnerable too.
You're very welcome.
Your family and friends should support you too through this process.
Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.
You can contact me using this direct link to my profile http://www.justanswer.com/relationship/expert-rafael-morales-toia/, just make sure you state "For Rafael only" in your request, for other experts to know you want me to reply, and I will respond in less than an hour most of the time.
Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care and consistent action.
Thank you. I`m waiting for counselling to help me but I feel like I`ve been knocked back months after I was just about starting to get my life back on track I took him back but now its happened again
I feel that this is going to take me a lifetime & that I`ll never got over him. I`m so lost & lonely without him
I understand your situation, but only you know how painful ti has been, and his rehabilitation process will take long period of time to significantly improve if he does commit to it, thus please do not make your own health and stability depend on that, since you need and deserve to have good health, tranquility and to enjoy your life as much as possible even when this very sad reality remains the same, once it does not depend on you.
I don`t know where to begin...... I`m so lost & lonely at the thougth of losing him forever
You' re right, rehabilitation from chronic mental disorders is a life time process, an its level of success depend on how well the person works on himself with right treatment and a good support system, but regardless of how well support he may get, it would only work if he does what he needs to do to recover and grow stringer and wiser from it.
You need to get all the help you could get from your support system, nobody can nor should try to do this alone. That plus good counselling and a support group would give you the best chances to heal, cope and take good care of yourself.
Does it make sense?
Yes it does. I just don`t have the energy but I will try to find a support group from somewhere. I feel totally destroyed & a fool.
You have been deeply hurt by these traumatic and overwhelming experiences, you are not a fool at all but a sensitive human being who has suffered a lot because of your husband's mental disorders and serious personal issues, including his lack of respect and fidelity, which are never easy for anybody in your shoes.
Commit to your own healing process, since from it you would find and create the strength you need to rebuild the live you deserve. it is and will not be easy, but it is necessary and absolutely worthy.
I wish I didn`t love him it would be so much easier. Time heals though I guess. He wanted me to house him whilst he recovered. I couldnt be used
This is why counseling is so important for you, since most times people presenting these serious problems, use denial, avoidance, justification, dishonesty ad other core issues to use, abuse, neglect and manipulate those around them, specially those who love and care about them.
This is why you cannot afford exposing to even more pain like that, so need to be very mindful, clear and objective knowing what you truly can and want to afford here in the present and for the long run.
Thats not easy to do when I hurt so much & just want him back. Thats why I was hoping when he`s better he might just realise what he`s done & lost. I fear that may be too late then. I will get some help, as I think you have made me see this is affecting my confidence already
That's true, and this is why you need to focus on what you can control, to ensure your own mental health and well-being while hoping he could do the same in his rehabilitation process. Thank you for your trust. I truly hope you get all the support you need, and can tell you that even when this overwhelmingly painful life experiences happen, we all can always heal and grow from them if we get the right support and commit to taking even better car of ourselves.
You're very welcome. Plase take gentle care and consistent action.