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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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My husband has worked hard over the years to encourage and

Resolved Question:

My husband has worked hard over the years to encourage and expect me to be involved in his erotic ideas and fantasies since I was 18 and I am now 57...... He is very persuasive and we have 3 children since being married at 20 so 37 years this year......he is a very powerful business man and has always had a high sex drive which I have tried to accommodate and satisfy as well as try to enjoy my own which is of course different to his but as an intelligent woman, I have been aware that not to please his ideas would bring breakdown or worse and I wish to avoid all that.I have therefore gritted my teeth and taken part in his games.....threesomes, 2 males and me or 2 females and me.....All good for his fantasy satisfaction!?....Just recently he suggested I went out with a chosen male and chosen female...both nice decent people and we all had a fun night, followed by good sex back in our room with my husband as he wished.....The following day he laid into me and has been distinctly unpleasant explaining he is jealous!.....and that I have neglected him!.......I must underline that he chose to have me "swing"with his chosen friends and yet now he attempts to make me feel uncomfortable and that I have wronged him somehow......I simply cannot please him and realise I have been naive in thinking I could please him or make him love me more or keep him interested in me....all so hard to explain as it has gone on over years and I am really struggling with this as he attempt to persuade me that I must and should like what I do so it alleviates his guilt?!I realise I have taken part in these acts to suit him and naively thought it would help us.....Sounds complex and it is.....help!! Please!
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 3 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this very sad, frustrating and perhaps overwhelming reality you have been facing.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You have clearly describe your story, how it started and evolved during so many years, where you tried to please your husband regardless of the potential issues and perhaps conflicts you may have been experiencing . out of fear of not being able to keep your marriage together.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I cannot imagine your shock and frustration when being confronted by him, after so many years, by his jealousy and his direct statements about what he perceives as your neglectful role in you marriage! This is truly shocking, and I believe most people in your shoes would feel overwhelmed and deeply wounded by such abusive statements.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Unhappily the potential issues that use to arise in scenarios like this have become your reality, and now there is no way back to change what has been built in your marital relationship for so many years. Now it is essential for you to come to terms with reality and carefully assess what you truly are willing and able to afford from now on in your marriage, and from there take total consistent action for you to take really good care of yourself, and not to continue enabling a reality that you would only regret and suffer more from now and in the long run.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Individual and marriage therapy seems necessary in my opinion for you to work on taking good care of yourself and effectively coping,, while marriage therapy would allow you to work on healing and making necessary changes for your marriage no only to survive but for it to grow healthy and stronger. Obviously the marital part of it would only work if both of you agree as a mature partnership to work on it, offering "mutual" respect, sensitivity, understanding, and support, taking full responsibility of your own feelings, choices and actions, for you to get necessary improvements.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer: Thank you for your opinion and supportive response.
Customer: Thank you for your opinion and supportive response to my situation.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You'e very welcome. I truly hope you could get necessary support to effectively cope, heal and grow from this overwhelming situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You can contact me using this direct link to my profile http://www.justanswer.com/relationship/expert-rafael-morales-toia/, just make sure you state "For Rafael only" in your request, for other experts to know you want me to reply, and I will respond in less than an hour most of the time.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care.

Customer: There is always more involved than I was able to state initially and I would explain that we have been married for 37 years, have built a wonderful family unit and friends, all who look to us for support, fun, friendship etc and we have worked hard to provide our love and developed interests within all this as well as constructing a successful business and homes for our family, who are now grown up into warm, happy successful people themselves, so we have much to be proud of and grateful for. There are weak spots in all relationships and I would like to improve this area of concern with your help if possible. Thank you once more.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am glad to know you have been able to build all these meaningful and positive experiences and reality together. Then it is for sure necessary and worthy to work on this area too. This is why individual and marriage therapy could become so important in this process. I am willing to support you through this public forum as much as possible within the limitations this means present, and truly hoe you get a competent professional as soon as possible.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you.

Customer: I will use the profile link to you as advised and find time to put more thoughts down for you to comment upon if that works for us. I will also set about finding a professional advisor who can work with me or us to stabilise this situation. Thank you and I look forward to sharing more thoughts with you soon.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sounds good and proactive. I will be looking forward to supporting you as possible. Thank you again and bye for now.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

and please remember to rate support. Thanks.

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