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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Im in the most awful situation and need an honest answer as

Customer Question

I'm in the most awful situation and need an honest answer as to what can be done.

I have reason to believe that my husband only married me for a visa.

We met last year - online - and he said at first he didn't want to live in the UK, so I felt sure that he was not just after a visa. However, after just one week or so he changed his tune and suddenly declared that we would live in the UK after all. He claimed there were problems with his parents as they were against the marriage and it wouldn't be safe for me in his country. So I agreed. He then started to rush me into marriage, saying his parents were in a hurry to see him get married. When I asked if we could meet in person before making such an important decision he said that would be impossible as he has noone in the UK and wouldn't know where to stay whilst here, so we just talked over Skype for several months, fell in love, and got married in his country.

He was at that stage very loving and his family also seemed to fully accept me.

He then got his 6 month visa and came over to the UK. From the first moment on I noticed a change in his behavior, he would spend all his time in bed, scream at me and say he wanted to go back to his country - without me. Concerned, I took him to a doctor, who diagnosed him with anxiety and prescribed anti-depressants. From then on, he clearly improved, and we had several happy months. We then applied for his 5 year visa, which he obtained in March. From that moment on he became emotionally abusive, repeatedly threatened to leave me, he would almost nonstop scream at me, calling me the most filthy names - thinking I don't understand it in his language but I do - , threatening me, twisting the truth and accusing me of abusing him, and blaming me for everything. We also had police involvement. This went on until recently, when he declared he had in fact never loved me, and that he would leave me soon. He then became emotionally very cruel, making fun of me for having fallen for him, accusing me again of abusing him, and mocking me ("what can you do, nothing, don't even think you can have me deported, noone can touch me, you think you are so smart but I am smarter than you, I will never agree to a divorce, you can do nothing"), he admitted that he had never loved me, and, when I struggled to keep the tears down, it was "you are always crying, that's what you always do, it's your habit, you just need an excuse to cry". When I begged him to leave me alone he refused, clearly enjoyed my suffering, and kept on and on and on at me, ignoring my repeated pleas to leave me alone.

The abuse got to such a stage that I got really scared and panicked - I have been through a lot of abuse before and such things scare the life out of me - so I called the police. When they turned up, I requested my husband to leave my property.

Since then there has been no contact. The fact that he admitted to never having loved me, and waited before leaving me until he had his five year visa, is a clear indication that he was just after a visa, and had duped me into the marriage by pretending that he loved me, but in fact he was just after the visa. It was extremely cruel how he even mocked me for having fallen for him!

I have since then been in extreme shock, very unwell and have to be off sick from work. If he does read this story on the just answer site and laughs his head off that I am sick now and he got what he wanted, I can only say, at least I am a human being, and don't be too sure in the presumption that you are cleverer than me.

I therefore won't go into more detail but I have taken care of the practical side of things.

Now, I might be very stupid here, and I don't want to fall for his lies a second time, but several events in the last few days have led me to believe that maybe, just maybe, he does have a little bit of genuine feelings for me. I know this sounds very naive but I don't want to go and do what I have to do before knowing 100% that he was just after a visa.

He has however disappeared and refuses to be found (scared? That's karma for you!) and I am too scared to contact him. He is furious that I have called the police, and I had to find out that he has been to the neighbors and claimed lies about me allegedly physically abusing him. The neighbors of course didn't fall for his lies as they could always hear him screaming and being aggressive. That act alone is in my opinion reason enough to dissolve the marriage as with this act alone he has betrayed me.

I also had to find out that everything he has ever told me about himself has just been lies, absolutely everything.

I know anyone reading this will say now "be glad he's gone" but I am not like other people, I don't change partners like underwear. I would like an honest opinion please whether this looks like a visa story or love from his side, and if love, what can be done now?

And please, no "have counseling"!!!
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 3 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this shocking and overwhelmingly sand and painful reality.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You have asked for an honest and objective opinion about yur situation and because of that I am replying, and hope that happens to be the case.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Everything you have described here clearly shows, that your initial biggest fears were real, to the point of him not only admitting it but using the truth as a weapon to further abuse and hut you. It is very sad but real, situations just like your happen everyday because of how appealing it is for so many immature and abusive people to get legal entry and residence in a foreign country like the UK/Europe, the US< Canada and similar, by using people, manipulating them to get married and then doing exactly what he did, but many other times they do not happen to be this violent, insensitive and sadistic, which only proves you got a very distorted man.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

(...a weapon to further abuse and HUERT you.)

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sorry I meant to HURT you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is sad to see how after having suffered this much, you still seem to suffer a lot from the trauma this situation has inflicted on you, where denial and justification get in the way undermining your insight and even common sense. Please remember that your first need, right and responsibility in life is to take good care of yourself, and that means to protect, respect, love, understand and support yourself in unconditional ways, specially when undergoing pain and tough life situations. Only this way you would be able to set healthy and clear boundaries and limits and not allow anybody to use, abuse or manipulate you at all, like this awful person has done.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Every time you allowed him to neglect, mistreat or manipulate you, you enabled further abuse, and he has felt empowered by it, and this is why he got very upset when you call the police, because people this abusive are cowards, they take advantage of your vulnerabilities and god intentions, and the more you allow them this power, the worse they would become.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am not sure how the immigration law works in the UK, but in many countries, even after a person in his shoes, after getting legal residency is found that he used/abused marriage, as a way to get legal entry and residence, they could face the end of such gained benefit, even ore if they are found to have been abusive and lead domestic violence with his vicXXXXX XXXXXke in your case. the only way to stop people like him doing this over again is by reporting them to immigration, for them to investigate and take good care of it, otherwise you can be sure that he would abuse other women for other material benefits.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer:

Hi Rafael,

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hi, thank you for being here

Customer:

Hi Rafael, I know this is the reality, I can see this, but emotionally it is still extremely difficult.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I really believe you, you are suffering the impact from this traumatic experience, and since you have been attached to this person and all the expectations and dreams you created around a life together, this is why it has become this tough for you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your healing process will take time, consistent support and work on yourself, it is and will be hard, but it is necessary and absolutely worthy.

Customer:

I am not stupid and have thought the situation over and over again, and also spoken to my neighbors because they have also of course met him. Well they told me their honest opinion and it's not good - they said straightaway they thought there was something wrong with him, especially so as they could hear him screaming - and they actually emphasized that he sounded really aggressive. So yes, I do know that he used me only for a visa - but the shock has been tremendous! I have since that day - last Monday - been unable to sleep or eat, I've lost a lot of weight, my heart is just racing nonstop. However, now it is getting even worse - the shock is starting to wear off, and that means the tears are starting to flow! I got so concerned that I thought I would get a heart attack any moment, but my doctor has assured me this would not happen. My doctor is as shocked as everyone else. I have reported my husband to the immigration authorities but unfortunately I had to find ou - after extensive research - that here in the UK it is very unlikely that he will get deported. Whereas in the US, Canada and Australia this crime called immigration marriage fraud - tricking someone into marriage by pretending love in order to get a visa - is a crime, here in the UK it is not yet a crime, and the offenders don't get deported. I also cannot divorce him because I don't know where he is, he has gone underground now and is in hiding so cannot be found (this is very easy here in the UK). This makes me feel very powerless because that means he was right - I cannot divorce him, and I cannot have him deported. He has also always stated that he would not agree to a divorce as he would lose his visa then, so it will be well over five years according to UK law before I can obtain a divorce. By then however he will be in the possession of Indefinite Leave to Remain, ie he can stay forever in the UK, and get a British passport. So that means he will get what he wants whereas I am here suffering, I have lost $30,000 because of him, and I cannot remarry for at least five years. It will also cost me a lot of money for a divorce - and I have lost now all my life savings because of him. So you can imagine how powerless, helpless and used I feel. I keep thinking this cannot be true, I must find out any moment now that he does love me after all - but I know that this won't happen. My suffering is so intensive that I suffer sleep paralysis every night since last Monday - something that before happened only very rarely. This is particularly terrible - I don't have friends or family so when I get this sleep paralysis and wake up completely terrified, there is nobody there, nobody to call, and I end up so terrified that I run out of the house in fear - even though normally I am very rational and don't have any fears or anxiety. I know it's just the stress and shock causing all this, but when I'm there all alone at night, and then this happens - and, as it's common with sleep paralysis, I always seem to see people in my bedroom - then I just get very scared. This is something that under normal circumstances happens only very rarely, maybe once every few years.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's terrible, and very unfair that the legal system in the UK enables this type of crime, but people in your shoes can always report domestic violence and everything else is about what the authorities do to handle it, while now you need to focus on your healing process, since you cannot afford getting chronically depressed or develop panic disorder or other problems.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You may be already showing panic disorder symptoms besides of being very depressed.

Customer:

What made me think that he might love me after all is the fact that a few days ago he spoke to someone and during this conversation he said he couldn't take on a job at the moment - well, of course not, he's scared that he might be found by the immigration authorities - and then he apparently became very emotional, saying there are problems at home and - after claiming that I was allegedly telling lies about him - he said that where he's staying now, he has to "do the cleaning in order to get food". I then wondered whether he may be so emotional because he's missing me, but it is more likely that he was just feeling sorry for himself. He has not contacted me at all since he left last Monday.

Customer:

I do not suffer from depression, but am of course very shocked and upset by the fact that my whole marriage has been one long lie. I know, and my doctor knows that too, that eventually I will get through this, but how long this will take - nobody knows.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You are right, it is very sad, and now all your energy should be focused on taking good care of yourself, you cannot afford getting worse, increasing even more pain to this overwhelming situation.

Customer:

I have suffered abusive relationships before but that was easier, this time it's a marriage and I really thought we would be together all our lives - however, to be completely honest, I have always had a strange feeling that he might be only in it for the visa.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The lack of a support system makes it just much harder. You need and deserve support, and this is a core priority you need to work on for your healing to work without taking even extra effort and pain

Customer:

That's true, I don't want to let him win, even though thanks to the ridiculous immigration laws in the UK he is already winning. Not only is he here now, he can stay - free to use another woman for money. He always pretended that he wanted to find work, but in actual fact he had no such intention, he was happy living off my money. Just to compare this - he is Muslim, and a Muslim man would NEVER take money from a woman - he would rather starve! So that's how little he respected me.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. healthy and fulfilling relationships take time and hard work to be built, for people to truly start knowing each other, which could only happen if both are honest, otherwise you would never know, even after long period of time. This work needs to be based on mutual respect, sensitivity, caring, support m compassion and responsibility, specially when facing difficulties and problems, showing real responsibility. As you can see, nothing of this could happen without long term sharing, only then we can know if the person is honest, real and compatible with your values and belief system and life style, sharing your core needs and expectations or not.

Customer:

It is also a massive shock because I did so much for him, absolutely everything - and not only has he never shown any appreciation, he actually managed to say "what have you ever done for me"! And this after I ripped myself to pieces for him, fought for his visas, went all alone to Pakistan to marry him - anything could have happened to me there! - and bought him things, ran the household, did everything - and all the while he was just using me for a visa!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right, that clearly shows you reality.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right, that happens whenever a relationship is not truly reciprocal, that's why I said how you enabled his very abuse and manipulation. Whenever romance and material benefits or money get mixed under such circumstances, it could not get anything good from it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

But now it would not help you at all to waste your energy with anything related to his life. Life itself would do that, sooner or later, now you need to fully focus on healing and growing from it, so nothing like this or similar happens again in your life.

Customer:

I don't think he ever cared about my feelings, expectations, beliefs - I was forced before I went to Pakistan to convert to Islam - he said we couldn't get married otherwise - even though this is not what I believe and I have nothing to do with Islam. I do not consider myself Muslim and don't ever want anything to do with it. If I expressed criticism he would explode, like the one time, a few weeks ago - after cops had gotten involved the first time - when I was so upset about his abuse that I smashed the Quran on the table - well, all hell broke lose, and he blamed me bitterly for it, but since he's left now I have thrown the Quran in the trash can and, silly as this sounds, I feel a lot better for it! As far as I'm concerned, Islam is just evil, the people who follow it are evil, and I want nothing to do with such an evil ideology.

Customer:

I just hope that one day karma will deal with him - it's so disgusting to do that to anyone, but especially me - I have suffered so much abuse in life already, and he knows that! And then still to do that - what's the matter with some people, have they come from hell?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think the fact you did this out of pain was a cathartic experience, because you have associates religion with the abuse and distorted and destructive ways this person has inflicted. Like with any other religion, we could fine good and bad people without exception, and in this case it is obvious that he is severely mentally distorted.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

They have not yet experienced enough pain in life, nor afforded the consequences from their destructive actions, but as you said, Life will do its work sooner or later, and he will get all the pain and suffering he has caused in other people's lives.

Customer:

I can only hope so - none of my other abusers have ever had anything come back on them, but yes, they are all immature, selfish, and very distorted. But I believe that all our actions leave traces, and create re-actions, and eventually this must come back on them all. Thank you very much, thank you for being open and honest, and for helping me!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. I do also believe there is Karma, and it is Life itself what takes care of things, and my profession has allowed me to see many lives and how they have evolved with time, and confirm that this happens this way, even when it could not be known by many people . Now it is time to focus on your healing, for you to build and enjoy the life you need and deserve.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.


You can contact me using this direct link to my profile http://www.justanswer.com/relationship/expert-rafael-morales-toia/, just make sure you state "For Rafael only" in your request, for other experts to know you want me to reply, and I will respond in less than an hour most of the time.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care and consistent action.

Customer:

Thank you very much, you have helped me a lot.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for being this honest and open here. Please keep in ouch to follow up, since I will be here to support you as possible. it's time to start being unconditionally gentle, understanding, compassionate, loving and supporting with yourself, from there you would heal and grow stronger and wiser. Take gentle care and bye for now.

Customer:

Thank you so much, bye.

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