Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this frustrating and concerning situation.
Thank you Rafael
You're very welcome. Thank you for being here.
Could you please tell me for how long have you been suffered this much because of these issues in your relationship?
These last few months
What has caused r triggered these serious issues if everything was fine before?
What does he tell you when you talk to him or confront these behaviors?
I came into some money when my aunt died last year. I helped his mother and my boyfriend with some money issues.
They both owe me money back as now it has nearly all gone
If you feel this depressed it is obvious he knows how down you feel, and that he has been neglecting you...
No he thinks everything is fine but there is tension between us sometimes
You mean you have given them money and they have not given it back to you, but he has also became this distant and neglectful, not caring about you?
So he denies these serious issues and does not see a problem about him and his mother haven't returned the money you gave to them?
No but he doesn't want to talk about money even though it is serious. I let him move in with me in January this year now I think I made a big mistake
Then this is very serious, since it shows that while you have been supporting them also financially, he has become neglectful, not caring and both have been taking advantage of you financially
Then this is very serious, since he seems to be using you for the material and financial benefits he and his mother have got from you.
He's mum has been paying me back and he has given me some money back, but I am frustrated and he says that I don't smile much these days
I am sorry to know you made this mistake, but now you need to be proactive and start taking better care of yourself, not allowing nor enabling further neglect, manipulation or abuse.
But if you are depressed because he has not been taking good care of you, but neglecting you, not taking responsibility for his actions, denying your pain and the issues that cause them, it is very insensitive for him to say that he does not know why you feel this down
Yes that is true. We both had anger issues at the beginning of our relationship as we were both hitting each other. The last fight we had was last year
Whenever you mix romance and money or material benefits, you would have to afford touch challenges, if the other person has not earned and deserves your trust and support, and his actions show he does not even care about how you feel and denies your feelings and expectation,s then the relationship could not be healthy, nor heal and grow under these circumstances.
I am sorry t hear that, then this has been a very destructive relationship, an he has been using and abusing you verbally, emotionally and financially, besides of neglecting you emotionally and sexually, which is very sad and unacceptable.
He does work but he has been off work since last week as he works at a college. He won't be going back until the 28th of this month. He has been stressed out because his brother is unwell and there were some problems with his mother and step-father. Me adding to his stress might tip him over
Why have you kept in this painful and abusive relationship them, if you realize it was a mistake to allow him to stay there at your home and he has tam=ken advantage of you, why perpetuate this circle of neglect and abuse, tolerating and enabling further suffering?
I am too nice and that is my problem
I don't want to be the bad person
You are codependent then and have been enabling his abuse, neglect and manipulation, and as long as you keep doing that, self-sabotaging yourself, allowing his abuse and neglect, your situation would not improve but would get worse. You do not need nor deserve this pain at all.
So what can I do?
I have had two people tell me that he should leave
You aren't the bad person for sure, but have been betraying yourself allowing and enabling his abuse, neglect and manipulation so there is nothing good about allowing him to victimize you.
I don't think I love him
Absolutely, I do not see any other reasonable and healthy option here, it seems obvious he has been using, abusing and neglecting you because you have allowed and enabled him for this long, and unless you set good boundaries and limits, and start respecting and taking good care of yourself, he would continue taking advantage of you as much as you allow it.
I am relieved to hear that, otherwise you would allow this person to hurt you even more. You need to start fully respecting loving and protecting yourself, not allowing him nor anybody else to abuse you.
You need to trust and allow help from your support system,namely healthy and caring family members and close friends, for you not to self-sabotage and focus on your rehabilitation process, without allowing this person to undermine your life even more. Obviously an attorney should take care of the debt they have to pay you back, but now the number one priorities to be free from further abuse and neglect.
Counseling could be the best source of professional support you could get to work on rehabilitating from depression and the impact this abusive relationship has had n you, so to grow from it and rebuild your life, eradicating any codependency for you to never allow anybody to use, abuse nor neglect you under any circumstance.
Does it make sense?
Good. Then please get in touch with those who truly love, respect and can support you and start taking consistent actions to heal yourself and rebuild your life. Do not try to do this alone or you would relapse, and expose yourself to further abuse an violence, since he would not easily let this happen, he would try to manipulate you by being nice or intimidate you with further abuse.
and you cannot afford allowing this to continue and get worse.
Okay I will
Please get necessary support. Joining a support group for codependency or for domestic violence could help a lot to, and please do not hesitate to call the police and file a report if he refuses to leave, or becomes violent, verbally, emotionally or physically.
This is the link of local codependency support groups: http://www.coda-uk.org/?page=all
Your primary care physician could refer you for counseling or you could directly go to any local clinic and request services, the NHS would put you on a waiting list and contact you. Or you can also ask for contact information for organizations supporting women victims of domestic violence and they would offer from psychological to legal support.
Good. Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.
You can contact me using this direct link to my profile http://www.justanswer.com/relationship/expert-rafael-morales-toia/, just make sure you state "For Rafael only" in your request, for other experts to know you want me to reply, and I will respond in less than an hour most of the time.
Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care and consistent action.
You're very welcome.
Please remember to rate session. Thanks.