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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I met a man on a dating site and we have been sending texts

Resolved Question:

I met a man on a dating site and we have been sending texts and pics of each other on kik messenger every day/night for 6 months. We arranged to meet about 2 months ago but it was a rugby weekend ( he's from Scotland and I'm from Wales)and all the men had their phones taken off them as part of a tour prank was his excuse of not meeting because he didn't know my number without his phone. We,ve continued texting as normal and grown closer. I was going up to Scotland in 2weeks time to meet him but the other day we were in a middle of a conversation and he's just gone and haven't text or anything. That was 5 days ago. I don't have any other way to contact him only on kik messenger and I have left a few messages on his inbox on Facebook but haven't heard anything. I'm heartbroken but so confused to why he would do this in such a weird way. It is very strange because he is a very confident person and thought he would tell me if he didn't want to bother anymore. I left messages on his sister & niece Facebook as well just to check he is ok because he is a fireman but not even they have replied.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 3 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I'm very sorry to know about this very sad and frustrating situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me if you were able to keep in touch, communicate/share with his family members through social media before he ended every communication?

Customer: No I have never met them before. Only his work colleagues knew about me and I didn't have any means of contact with those either.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, then during these 6 months of long distance relationship you did never have any contact with any of his family members or close friends, it was all exclusively between you, through chat and phone, right? Do you have FB profiles connected showing your dating status?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, then even when you were in a relationship for all these months he never make it public nor even to his own family about you and your relationship?

Customer: No never had any contact with any family members or friends. We were not friends on FB because he said he wanted us to meet first before we added each other as friends. We only communicated on kik messenger. I had given my phone number but he has never tried to contact me. Until the past few days I have received 3 calls with a No Caller ID number where they either hang up or don't leave a message.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you describe here about his sudden end of every communication with you is truly shocking, and it could explain how previous behaviors like not meeting you as agreed after such an intense relationship, and keeping you aside from his public life, were in fact big red flags.

Customer: It was odd because we were in the middle of a conversation about all the marathons he has ran, so it wasn't even as if we had argued he just went and never came back.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry then everything seems to show that this person was not being honest towards you, but misleading you into this relationship that he could secret. His behaviors do not show he was being serious, respectful nor honest towards you, and unhappily there are not few people doing this nowadays that technology allows sharing in so different ways. It is overwhelmingly painful to be in a situation like this.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. Have you notices his online activity in his FB or other online social media-networking accounts since he ended every communication with you?

Customer: I have been through network and found loads of information on him before I fell for him and all this behaviour is just not in his character and he is a well respected man in loads of areas in his community. We both have failed relationships behind us and know it was hard but he's been single for 4 years and me 1 year. This just doesn't sound like him. We spoke about everything and everything and leaned on each other loads. Do you think he will ever contact me again
Customer: I was going to contact his fire station to see if I could speak to him personally. Should I try that?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I understand and believe everything you are saying about him, and this is why this is so shocking, since the image he has resented and publicly has does not match with his behavior. For me the potential big red flags here were keeping everything between you secret, not providing any concrete form of communication but limited it exclusively to chat and phone calls you initiated, then cancelling your first meeting after such an intense relationship, and then literally disappearing once you were supposed to go there.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You could for sure, since it is your right once you had a relationship, but I am afraid he did show several behaviors that were showing potential lack of honesty, immaturity and manipulation, and e is not a teenager, so it is very concerning and painful for sure.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You have contacted his family member via FB and none of them have replied, and that's odd too.

Customer: From a mans point of view then I have been played big time is that what your saying. I feel very foolish because I have sent him Christmas gifts, Easter. Valentines gifts and all he's sent me really are e cards. How can a person so liked be so horrible to someone that treated them so nice .
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is just unacceptable what he has done, I;d say very abusive and traumatic, and I have to say that this does happen, that people who portray a very nice social-public image could have very serious personality problems and could use and abuse vulnerable people. But you would never know the truth since he has just not been honest.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry then as the phone calls initiated by you and everything else, it seems you were offering your best, XXXXX XXXXX caring and consistent, while he was doing the opposite, being very manipulative and taking advantage of you, which is just unacceptable, but again, these happens and is not uncommon, and people with serous personality disorders do this without caring.

Customer: All the messages I have sent him have even said can he just text to say can he just say why he called it a day for me to have closure, but still nothing .
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

And you know for sure your messages have been receives through FB by his family members, right. Then I think you have the right to contact his workplace and ask to know if he is fine, and request to talk to him. You said his coworkers are the only ones that know about you, so I imagine you shared with some of them and that's why you know he told them, right/ So you could call and request to talk to him and to know if he is fine, letting them know that it is you, his girlfriend.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If they confirm that he is still working but unavailable, then you would know for sure he has willingly decided to end every communication with you. It seems that once you got to the point of meeting each ther he used excuses and now just could not keep it for longer and that's why he chose to end communication.

Customer: No I asked him once why was he keeping me his dirty secret and he said that he wasn't keeping me a secret because all his work colleagues knew about me because of the parcels I sent to him via the fire station. I don't know if the family members have read the messages but there page is active so if I had a message on my profile I would read it but I have had no reply off any of them.
Customer: I had even booked my hotel and flights and he knew that because he told me the places he was going to take me to visit when I was there .
Customer: He knew my ex husband cheated on me for years and he had only had 3 girlfriends in his lifetime and married one of those and was in a relationship for 20 years like me so he knew I had trust issues and been hurt in the past.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, then you were truly kept apart from his real life. I am sorry to confirm that everything you are depicting here shows that. This is not about a teenager, and while you have been offering everything a committed and caring person could give in this relationship, everything he has done seems to be so poor and suspicious, then ending it the way he did is without doubt very wounding and abusive. Then I think it is a good idea to call his workplace and ask if he is here today or tomorrow, and request to talk to him, from their response you would know. If he did keep his own home address secret from you, that is just very bad, never a good sign; an din his case he consistently showed this suspicious and in my opinion unacceptable behavior.

Customer: I don't think he has another woman because he has such a busy lifestyle because that's how we connected to start with.
Customer: He is on shift for 3 more days but can't get through to his work because the switchboard is on holidays then he has his 4 days off so I won't get to do this until the end of next week. I am so upset over him more than when my 21 year marriage ended, it's so cruel.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think you need to start not trusting and believing everything this person told you, otherwise you could keep convincing yourself that what has happened is just an accident, an incident, where he is a just a victim from unknown circumstances, hat would keep you fueling further attachment, hope and that could only lead to further pain and suffering, while what you may need is to focus on start your healing process and rebuilding your life in ways you do not allow, nor enable anybody to use, abuse, neglect or manipulate you. But only you know what you really can and are willing to affford.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is truly cruel an absolutely abusive, and that's why I believe the sooner you come to terms with reality and start focusing on you healing, taking good care of yourself, the less pain you would experience and the less extra suffering you would have to afford.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it makes sense?

Customer: I don't understand the last part about the less pain I would experience and the less extra suffering you would have to afford?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I mean that as long as you keep fueling hope about him, denying what has happened, thinking he was truly honest towards you in the relationship, then you could continue feeling the way you feel now, for even longer, and that would mean you would have to afford this pain to get deeper until you choose to accept that his behaviors during your relationship and n the present show something very different that what you have believed.

Customer: All the messages I have sent him since that conversation have been delivered on kik but not read that's why it's so confusing . I just can't get it in my head how someone is having a platonic conversation then just goes without coming back and not even reading the texts even if they don't want to bother.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is very shocking but this is happening,and only you have the power to choose if you want to keep fueling further hope, affection, passion and trust towards him, making your life, well-being and happiness depend on it, or choose to focus on your healing process, taking better care of yourself without further delay.

Customer: Ok Thankyou very much for your help .
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Please get all the help you can from your support system, form caring family and close friend, since this is a tough process and you need and deserve their support to heal and get stronger and wiser from it. Also consider counseling as the possible best source of support to work on it, since you do not want to afford getting depressed or develop an anxiety disorder or further wounding and trust issues affecting your future relationships because of this traumatic and abusive experience.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You can contact me using this direct link to my profile http://www.justanswer.com/relationship/expert-rafael-morales-toia/, just make sure you state "For Rafael only" in your request, for other experts to know you want me to reply, and I will respond in less than an hour most of the time.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust. Please take gentle care and consistent action, it is and will not be easy but it is necessary and absolutely worthy.

Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you