Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this truly sad, frustrating and painful reality you have been undergoing because of your ex-partner.
Your story clearly shows how this person ha snot been honest, nor even respect you or cared about you, your feelings and well-being, but used, abused, manipulated and neglected you for this long.
It seems clear to me that he feels very confident about the way he does things, and can see how you have allowed him back in your life multiple times regardless of all the suffering he has created. Now there is no way to deny reality, he has moved with this other woman but still expects you to be friends. Do you truly believe you could build a healthy and mature friendship with this person after everything that he has done?
no i don't. but part of my me, most of me doesn't believe he loves her. he constantly contacts me. and lies when he sees me to her. hes got drunk before and asked to meet up and i turned him away, the night before we went to the gig. i feel like hes in too deep, told everyone she is the one and now can't go back on it. she has no friends and only moved to southsea to live with a girl that now doen't like her. i feel he wanted to run away and he was screaming out for me to say i'd go with him but i didnt see that. so hes found her to go with him,
he told me that the nail in the coffin for us was when i went out the night of the funeral. i explained that i only did to keep myself busy instead of crying by myself htat night. he looked shocked and again when i told him i took time of work because of her death.
I just feel like hes trying to move away, settle down so he can feel like hes done something with his life.
he told me that he doesnt want to go to the pub every night, and i do and that was another reason.
I see, and my biggest concern here is that this person is not a teenager, right? But this behaviors and the way he has been towards you do not show any form of healthy love nor even respect about your feelings and well-being, but could very easily become this abusive, neglectful and manipulative, which could never lead to anything really healthy nor fulfilling in a relationship.
hes late 20's but was a proper mummys boy. he used to run to her everytime something went wrong, but pretends to be more mature.
I just can't help but think this is all just a consequence of his mums death, and hes gone abit crazy. forcing himself to something that he thinks is good for him. he has moved away but yet has joined another music band based her, so seems hes just rooting himself even more here.
I feel hes forcing all his attention on her to try and forget hes lost his mum.
I see, then he has serious immaturity and codependency issues, besides of bipolar disorder which is a very serious chronic condition.
but shes crazy. everytime he even looks at another girl they have massive arguments
Do you think he would come back to me?
I just don't believe he loves her like he says he does.
I almost feel he knows it was a mistake so keeping me on the side for when he can come back. and i know i shouldn't get back with him, but i do love him.
I am afraid that could happen, and I say this because I do not see his grief has been causing all these serious issues, but that they have been from before his mom's death, so I think that he would try to perpetuate the attachment you have for him to continue using and abusing you.
Sorry, i didn't understand that/
Please, you need to come to terms with the fact that when the love you experience exposes you to be used, neglected, manipulated or abused, it becomes an unhealthy or destructive love and you woudl never be able to be and feel fine with it, since it is not reciprocal but enables the other person to use and abuse you.
so you're saying he doesn't love me?
why is he bothered then? when he found out i had got with other people, he tried to wipe me from his life.
he said he never wanted to speak to me again.
why would he care?
All the actions you have described here from this person towards you do show he does not even respect you, has been dishonest,manipulative, neglectful and abusive towards you, and I would never call that love, or if we use the term love, I would call it a destructive love, since love- healthy love doe exactly the opposite.
do you think he loves her?
I believe his ego does not and would not feel pleased knowing that you are healing and moving on away from him, since that would mean he would not be able to use and abuse you anymore.
No, I do not think he loves her either, that could never be love.
why couldn't it be love with her?
hes claiming it is?
His behaviors towards you and her are incompatible with love, or with "healthy love". If you want to call it love, then he loves both of you, but such love is obviously very abusive, manipulative and destructive.
i know he left me before, but before that and even then he always said he loved me, was never horrible. hes only changed since his mum died though.
do you think we could ever work? as we did previously. he was always the lovely one. the affectionate one.
always trying to move to the next step.
and surely hes moved in with her, hes spending all his time wuth her, they're going on holiday, that must mean hes serious about her.
Then if you truly think, feel and believe his behavior before his mother died, was good enough for you, that his love was healthy an fulfilling, then you could attach to that, but also now you would need to adjust your beliefs to these other behaviors, otherwise reality would push you to afford further pain with time.
I do not think a person presenting these behaviors could suddenly transform himself into a healthy, caring, loving, respectful and supportive partner. IF he changes for better, it would take a lot of hard work on himself, a lot of time and professional support.
but if he was that person before? he could be that again?
i don't expect it to be suddenly. i almost think hes going to make it work with her because he HAS to now. and he'll realise it's all wrong over time.
But didn't he end the relationship before his mother died, and was already sharing with his current partner?
he lived with her and then we got back together, were together throughout the death, and he broke up with me again couple of weeks after the funeral. i'm not stupid, i know there was an overlap of her and me.
Wasn't he already lying and manipulating you at that time while being with her?
yeah but i think its cos she pushed herself upon him.
i know it takes two
but he used to ring him up crying when we were together asking for them to get back together
used to pretend people were trying to break into their shared house so he'd go back and he'd find out she was lying
What I see here is that these two persons are very immature, dysfunctional and manipulative, and that's why I always say that it is from actions more than from words that you can see reality, and the very nature and intentions people have.
but if they're both the same they might be perfect for each other?
he always said i was his anchor, and i saved him. he was jobless, in debt, overweight and drinking every day before we met, and i changed all that.
I'd say that they are far from perfect for each other but that their core common issues could reinforce each other for sure, but that would never lead to build a healthy, stable and fulfilling long term relationship.
would you say they would last the year?
Then you truly showed through concrete actions in time how real and healthy your love was.
I do not know, but based on what you said I believe he would try to keep trying to manipulate you, and that their relationship would not suddenly become a healthy and happy one for sure.
why would he carry on trying to manipulate me? what would be the benefits?an ego boost?
so you're saying he doesn't love me anymore.
do you think we could ever work in the future?
Yes, sure to continue boosting his ego and keeping you attached to him, since he knows how much he could benefit from your unconditional love
I do think you could only have a chance in the future if he chooses to fully acknowledge all his actions,takes full responsibility for them, decided to be honest and gets professional support to work on changing, which would take long term for sure, if it happens at all.
changing? in what sense? he only needs to go back to who he was before.
in the first year of our relationship..
is that possible do you think?
As I said, I think it is possible but would only happen if "he chooses to fully acknowledge all his actions,takes full responsibility for them, decided to be honest and gets professional support to work on changing".
do you think its likely he'll try and come back to me?
i feel like i'm spiralling. constantly asking questions to myself. think this one minute, then something else the next.
People do not suddenly become dishonest, immature, manipulative and abusive; they could hide things and play roles, but do not radically transform themselves into totally different persons. The fact he has bipolar disorder plays a big role here too, since if he has not been actively working on his rehabilitation process, then this disorder and other conditions that use to be present with this disorder would get worse.
As I said before, I think he would not let you go that easily because for what he knws he could get from you emotionally and at other levels, and that's why I said this is not something necessarily good for you, since it would mean he would continue trying to use and manipulate you, as long as you allow/enable him.
we were so happy before, so social always see friends together. he used to force me to go to all his gigs when he played. but with his new girlfriend, they never see anyone togehter, i think because they argue, and she doesn't go to any of his gigs.
maybe thats what he wants?
are you saying basically, he doesn't love me, but only wants me around for my love. the feeling isn't mutual?
i just think its weird how hes become a whole new person now.
Correct, they seem to be so different, even more in comparison to the life you had together during the time you were dating. Yes, I would never say that your love is been reciprocated, since it seems you have done and offered so much to this person at so many levels, while he has done very wounding and abusive things against your happiness and well-being.
you're saying he never loved me?
Again, if he has bipolar disorder, most people with this disorder if untreated, could present these ans many other dysfunctional behaviors, and use to have other serious disorders, including codependency and personality problems too.
hes on medication for it.
what is codependency?
Medication can only control and numb some symptoms of this disorder avoiding crisis leading to hospitalization, but cannot rehabilitate a person from this or any other disorder, for that only regular psychological treatment could work.
Codependency is an addiction that distorts the way people attach to each other, share and build relationships, causing dysfunction and suffering, while people truly believe they are doing the right thing, and loving each other, while in reality they are using abuse, neglect, manipulation and other destructive behaviors, shaping their relationships with them.
You would need to carefully reflect on your core values, beliefs, needs and expectations around this person and the relationship you want; and assess what you are tully able and willing to afford from now on taking into account reality.
If you want to continue with this situation the way it is, then you would just need to keep in touch with him, engaging in anything he may want. If you do want to take good care of yourself, you would set clear limits and boundaries and not perpetuate any more manipulation or any form of abuse from him.
I would never suggest a person in your shoes to insist trying to get closer to a man who rejects you.
since that would only enable his manipulative and abusive ways.
But again, it all depends on what you want and are willing to afford.
That would be my suggestion if what you want is to respect, protect and take good care of yourself.
if he owns you money, they he should pay you back, and for that he only needs your bank account number.
or to send you checks until he gives back the whole amount.
There is no way for me to know that, and I do not think anybody could know that but him and you if you work on yourself and on assessing reality from the beginning of your relationship to the present.
I can only provide feedback based on the reality you have described here, and when you ask for my suggestion about how to approach it, I sincerely XXXXX XXXXX what I think would be the most consistent and healthiest approach taking into account all the serious issues you have described. But as I also said, you are the only one with the power and responsibility to choose what you want do do about it and what you would afford based on your choices and actions.
My suggestion is for you not to deepen your pain exposing even more to further abuse and manipulation.
By that I mean the consequences you want and are ready to face depending on your decisions and actions.
I think your pain and wounding could get even worse if you continue to expose yourself to any form of abuse and manipulation, and I hope you don't do that, but focus on taking good care of yourself.
I strongly suggest you to look for individual counseling to work on yourself and healing process, and to eradicate any form of codependency and self-sabotaging tendency, so you would not not find yourself suffering even more from the same pattern of abuse and manipulation.
I also suggest you to join a codependency support group, which would complement and reinforce the benefits from individual therapy, allowing you the best results in your healing and growth process.
Good, yes, I do believe you have developed this problem in this relationship.
Yes, I think he has a very serious codependency problem, but it does always happen in relationships
People play a more active or passive role enabling what is unhealthy or dysfunctional.
You could read a book like "Codependent No More", to get a better idea of how codependency affects relationships.
Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.
I believe you, and how well you would be able to heal and grow from it depends on how effectively you do take consistent actions in order to take good care of yourself, even when doing it is very hard, and much more difficult that staying into the codependent circle
As I said before, I believe he would not let you go so easily, he would do his best to keep you attached to him, and this is why Ii do not suggest you to fall into such destructive pattern even more.
I really hope you take good care of yourself with necessary support.
Neither, I do not believe you can currently be his girlfriend or friend at all.
unless you want that, but obviously is very unhealthy ways.
Please consider my previous suggestions. I must leave now since have a client scheduled in 5 minutes from now.
You're very welcome. Thsi is the complete title:
Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care and consistent action.
and here you can find local support groups: http://www.coda-uk.org/?page=all
Thank you again. Please take good care.