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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Hi Debra, I am in turmoil again, jackie is bent on starting

Customer Question

Hi Debra,
I am in turmoil again, jackie is hell bent on starting a life without me. She is back in the house but I am virtually invisible. She stays in her room most of the time only interacting with my son. Occasionally as the need arises chats with me. She has met up the other mum and is now expanding this to include another of similiar temperment. Now my son is telling me that all 3 want to go away on holiday. Its as if she is trying to revisit her youth. I cant find a way into her and am losing trust in her totally. I am almost at the point where I want to move on. She comes and goes as she likes and has little respect for me. I have now started to go out more, and she doesnt have a problem with this at all. If I were to ask her I feel that she would say that she has no feelings for me. I cant see anything from her to suggest that I have any kind of future with her. I dont what to do now...everything I try seems to fail.
An example of this is when she left a note about the sofa's getting stained. I called her and asked if she wanted me to wash the covers she said ok then I asked for instructions which she gave. I washed the covers only to be told on her return from work that I was stupid and such an idiot to wash the sofa covers, as she meant the duvet covers..when I tried to explain she just got more angry and told me to leave her alone as she was going out and didnt want her night ruined any more. I know that she is suffering from the menopause and has issues from the past but I am not sure how much of her emotional abuse I can take. She can not see what is going on, everyone I speak to about this sees it as being related to the menopause with midlife crisis in there as well but she doesnt. I think I am history as far as she is concerned..
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.

Dear Debra : Thank you for your question.
Dear Debra : I feel like she needs to see you more not less.
Dear Debra : The reason why she left was because she felt abandoned.
Dear Debra : You do not want her to think you are doing that every again. That just makes her put her guard up more.
Dear Debra : It makes her isolate herself from you like going in her room.
Dear Debra : I want you yo make a plan with her and your son to go out somewhere special.
Dear Debra : Maybe a picnic in the park or just a nice quiet place do that you both can interact.
Dear Debra : She needs to see that family bond between all of you.
Dear Debra : Do not give up.
Dear Debra : She expects you to just go on with your life. You need to prove her wrong. Show her you are there.
Dear Debra : She figured if she moved back in you would change.
Dear Debra : You mentioned going out more and she doesn't care.
Dear Debra : She does care but see that is what she expected.
Dear Debra : she expected you to move on. But don't involve her more.
Dear Debra : Make sure she is in control of her life but plan dinners together.
Dear Debra : Tell her you care and want this to work.
Dear Debra : Right now she doesn't know how you feel. She just has gone into a rut of going in her room.
Dear Debra : You need to get her more involved.
Dear Debra : You need to show her you are willing to do anything to make this right again.
Dear Debra : Show her you want her in your life.
Dear Debra : Show her that you want her to be apart of every moment in your life.
Dear Debra : You both need to start over together.
Customer :

I have tried to involve her, she just doesn't seem to want me. She is forever making plans with out me. I am not in her plans at all. This other woman is taking my place and Jacs is shown that she wants control of her life and time and that I might be allowed to some of it as a family thing but it is all a front. She wants as a servant. I feel that I am being used now. We were at a friends house and the man started to play being Mucho by saying that he should be able to go out when he wants and that his girlfriend should sort out the child care. This was like a red rag to a bull. She shouted that she should have time for her to go out and do her things and that he should look after his child. I felt that this was the main thing that Jacs has been carrying against me along with the

Customer :

Baby blues but I can't get through to her that our circumstances were different then. And that money was a big problem then. I wasn't financially prepared for a child but I stood up and worked for them. I had to we were all in debt. I have no way of getting this across to her in a way that is understood. I feel that what ever it is I say is counteracted by this woman. I know that they are looking to go away on holiday and leave me at home looking after my son. I don't mind this, but Jacs has virtually told me that we have split up. So she could go off with someone else. I feel like I have lost this, she can't stand to be in the same room and that I can do nothing right. She has no respect for me. She is moving on from me and is limiting all her interactions with me to the minimum. I

Customer :

I don't know how to deal with this. .

Dear Debra :

This is why you need to really get involved in her life and let her see that you are going to be there this time for her.

Dear Debra :

Let her know that you are not going anywhere and that she is going to see a new person. That you can be that person she fell in love with.

Dear Debra :

She is angry about the past and things that have happened. She just does not seem to be getting through it.

Dear Debra :

But I feel in time and you changing she will begin to see a new person.

Dear Debra :

She needs you in her life that is why she came back home.

Dear Debra :

She has said you split up but she is still not willing to let go.

Dear Debra :

You still have a chance to rekindle this relationship.

Customer :

I am frightened to say anything to her, every topic has a issue. The house, her job, every thing. I am gagged and feel like a prisoner awaiting execution. She feels nothing for me now and can't wait to see me go.

Dear Debra : I just think her feelings are blocked for you. She needs to see that person she fell in love with. She can't see that because she has so many past feelings of hurt and anger. It is keeping her from seeing the person she loves.
Dear Debra : She needs to see that person she loves.
Dear Debra : You need to try even harder and show her that you truly love her and are going to be there for her.
Customer :

I have really tried to get this to work, if I say anything I will surely start the separation ball rolling. I am trying to get her/my friends to chat to her. They all feel that she would be mad to leave me but thats them and jacs is jacs. I am sure that I am in the callendar as a split date. I feel that this is all being reinforced by her friend lorraine and that whatever ground I make she is eroding. I dont know what to do I do try and involve us but get no where. she is stonewalling my affections my attention and is distancing me. I don't know how to break this down. I really do need help on a collosal magnitude. I need somehow for her to realise that she is suffering from the menopause and that it is affecting her hormones and relationship judgement and that she is going through a mid life crisis

Dear Debra :

Friends can effect and influence friends.

Dear Debra :

She might be listening to what her friend says and is just not seeing things clearly.

Dear Debra :

Some times friends can be jealous of relationships because they want the person to themselves or if they are single they want their friend to be single as well.

Dear Debra :

You need to ignore what the friend is doing because if you say anything Jackie will just think you are trying to control that part of her life. It will back fire. She needs to see this friend as who she real is and learn that she might not be what is best for her.

Dear Debra :

You want to continue to be there in her life even though she is trying to push you out. You need to just be there and prove things will change.

Dear Debra :

You could buy her a book about menopause.

Dear Debra :

I feel like if she read about other women she would realize that she is going through the same things.

Dear Debra :

Women going through menopause need to know that they are not alone and other women experience the same thing. It does get better the more you understand it.

Dear Debra :

Your body goes through so many changes that it becomes confusing on what you want and need in life.

Dear Debra :

People change but it's not permanent. These emotions become more and more clear once women realize what is happening with their body and their emotions.

Dear Debra :

But she needs to research it or talk to her doctor about it so that she understands what she is going through.

Customer :

I am really up against it, she will not accept any responsibility for the way she feels I am the the reason for her unhappiness. I am not seen in any favorable way. I doubt if she could find a nice thing to say about my time with her. She escapes to her room leaving me and my son. She seems impervious to anything I or my son says. He mentioned to her that she goes out a lot and that me and him really enjoy ourselves. And when she is at home she just watches tv in her room. He also mentioned that she didn't watch tv with us. All went by unnoticed. If that had been me I would be so upset. She is acting like there is nothing wrong, I really feel like I am just killing time waiting for her to send me away. .

Customer :

Hi,

Customer :

All is lost here now, I am resigned to getting the estate agents around and the house is going to be sold, she has no interest in me and limits her contact to the minimum. I tried and tried but it was not enough. I dont know what to say to her, she wants her own life without me. she is doing more and more stuff without me and our son, She is content to carry on as she is with me in the background, I am actually going to be the one that pushes this now, I feel used and not discarded. She doesnt want a family life but a singles one, she is in menopause and going through a mid life crissis but is enjoying it, I am invisible to her. I have been going out more and she doesnt care. She wont talk to me over the phone and is unapproachable at home, I feel that every conversation will end in its over between us. I need to be strong now and follow it through and try and gain some respect back. She may never know/see the lengths that I have gone through to try and save our relationship and our family. I am not in the best place at the moment, I am watching her from a distance although in the house. Its unbearable for me so I am looking to try and buy her out of the house. If you know of a way of turning this around then I need to know it now all have failed.

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