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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Hi, I have met a girl who is 20 years younger than me (Im

Customer Question

Hi, I have met a girl who is 20 years younger than me (I'm 49) and she has completely blown me away, I can't stop thinking about her. We have had a couple of dates and they have gone really well, she has had a 'casual' relationship with a guy that is around her age, but says that she doesn't want to be with him. A few days ago we arranged to go out for the day and she cancelled at the last minute. I was upset and said it wasn't a problem, she could she that it upset me and said that it was killing her seeing me so sad. I then found out that she had spent the day with this other guy, when I asked her about it she said that he had been helping her son with a project at her home. I asked if I could pop round later to talk to her and she said yes. When I went round at around 9.30 the other guys car was still there, she told me that she had asked him to leave but he wouldn't go! We have since spoken about it and I said that I would walk away and leave her to it, but she says that she really cares for me and that she knows we would be happy together, and doesn't want me to walk away,but she's scared to make the leap. I want to believe her but I Know this is going one way and that I'm going to get hurt. When I'm with her I can see in her eyes that she really cares but I don't know what to do.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.

Dear Debra : Thank you for your question.
Dear Debra : It seems like she just does not know how to real things off with the other guy.
Dear Debra : She probably doesn't want to hurt his feelings. But he also might know but is not willing to let her go so he is trying to stay in the relationship.
Dear Debra : Do not walk away.
Dear Debra : She sounds like an amazing caring person that really sees a future with you.
Dear Debra : The first thing you want to do is tell her how you feel about her and tell her you are not going anywhere.
Dear Debra : She is just trying to end things in a nice way with the other guy.
Dear Debra : It really sounds too me that she has fallen for you so you want to continue this relationship.
Dear Debra : The way you describe her you have string feelings for her and you want to see where thins relationship leads.
Dear Debra : Its important that she knows how you feel.
Dear Debra : You do not want to keep bringing up the other guy.
Dear Debra : The reason why.
Dear Debra : You do not want her mind thinking of him at all.
Dear Debra : You want her to be focusing on you when you both ate together.
Dear Debra : I want you to just enjoy these beginning moments together.
Dear Debra : This is a start of what could be the best relationship.
Dear Debra : You want to just give her that time to end things with him.
Dear Debra : But until then you want to show her you are there and not gong anywhere.
Dear Debra : She needs to be sure you will be there.
Dear Debra : You want her to know if she leaves him you are going to want a relationship with her.
Dear Debra : I am sure she is looking for a commitment with you. She wants to be sure.
Dear Debra : She knows how she feels about you.
Dear Debra : But she also needs to know how you feel about her so she can make that decision.
Dear Debra : She wants to choose you and leave him.
Dear Debra : She knows her other relationship is over and you are the one she wants to be with, but she just needs that time to explain too him she has met someone else.
Dear Debra : Do not be afraid of getting hurt because she's not going to hurt you she wants to be in a relationship with you.
Dear Debra : But she is also worried that you might leave her. She needs to be reassured they you are not leaving because you care about her.
Dear Debra : She doesn't want to see you upset that's why she'd was upset she had to cancel. She cares about your feelings.
Dear Debra : That is someone that cares about you.
Dear Debra : She is not going to hurt you.
Dear Debra : She is going to find a way for you and her to be together.
JACUSTOMER-i4px3ms8- :

Hi Debra,

JACUSTOMER-i4px3ms8- :

she does know how I feel about her and I have told her that I can't walk away. She has told me that she knows we would be happy together but is scared to make the leap. When I told her I knew she had been with the other guy she just kept saying she was sorry she'd hurt me and that she never meant to. I think she has made her decision but is afraid of telling me, I said I would give her some space to think about things. My honest feeling is that she wants me to keep quiet about it in case the other guy finds out, she hasn't contacted me for a few days now so I fear the worst.

Dear Debra :

Thank you for your question. You do not want to give her space because that will make her decision easier. You want to show her you are there. You want her to get use to you being in her life. You want to check in with her everyday and ask her how she is doing and how was her day. You want to show her that you want to be in her life. You want to not give her space she does not need time to think. She needs to see that you and her can have a relationship together.

Dear Debra :

She has said that she knows you both could be happy together so she has given this a lot of thought.

Dear Debra :

She has picture you and her together for the future. Do not give her space contact he right away and ask her how she is doing share your life with her and have her share hers as well.

JACUSTOMER-i4px3ms8- :

I have tried to text her to see if she is okay, but she doesn't respond. I have a feeling it's too late to rescue the situation, even though I know she cares. All her other boyfriends have treated her poorly and she tells me she is not used to being treated nicely. She said the other day that she would like to meet my daughters so she could explain? But I don't know what she wants to meet them for and what she has to explain. It's very hard to read what is going on, but I don't think I can take much more of the not knowing where we both are, one day she's fine and the next she doesn't know what to do.

Dear Debra :

thank s for your question.

Dear Debra :

She wants to meet your daughters and I see that as a sign that she is looking towards the future with you and her.

Dear Debra :

You mentioned that she has had past boyfriend problems.

Dear Debra :

It will take her some time the get use to someone being nice too her.

Dear Debra :

The reason why is she never had that and she knows she wants to be with you, but she might be having trouble with not thinking she is good enough for you.

Dear Debra :

You figure she has been poorly treated by boyfriends in the past so she would not feel good about herself and she would just be waiting for her next relationship to fail. You need to show her that this relationship can work, but she needs to give you a chance.

Dear Debra :

She needs to give you a chance, she needs to open her heart up 100 percent and not worry about falling in love.

Dear Debra :

She is scared to take that leap.

Dear Debra :

She doesn't want the best guy that has ever entered her life to leave. So you need to show her that this can work.

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