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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5313
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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My boyfriend pushes me to "help" him with his visa. This is

Resolved Question:

My boyfriend pushes me to "help" him with his visa. This is not the only thing he has pushed me to do. I think he feels he can get his way by making me feel guilty.

So now, he has overstayed his visa and he blames me because, as he says, he could have left but he thought I was the one. It kind of works, because I do feel guilty now and am so confused.

He says I am self centred and it's only him who puts in any effort. But as hard as I try I really can't remember him making much effort, because whenever I needed help, I always had to sort it myself. And I really don't feel loved at all. He doesn't even hug me (i have to ask for it, and after one hug if i ask again, he says "but you already got one!"), he never gave me flowers, or things like that. He offered to pay for my tickets when I visit, and even though I accepted he never did pay in the end.

We live in different cities, and he had this idea (again for visa purposes and his own comfort) that I need to rent a bigger apartment, and even though I work hard and he is jobless he promised to help looking but never did.


Am I really the self centred here?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 2 years ago.

Dr. Mark :

Hi! I'll be glad to help you with this issue.


Type a hello when you join the chat and we'll get started, okay?

Dr. Mark :

Because it really doesn't sound from what you've shared with me as if the problem is with you.

Dr. Mark :

It sounds as if he's very selfish and self centered. Do you agree?

Customer:

hello

Dr. Mark :

Hi.

Customer:

yes i do think he is the selfish one there, but it really upsets me that he turns it around on me

Customer:

and I start thinking maybe I don't see things the way I should

Dr. Mark :

Yes, that is very often how selfish people get what they want:

Dr. Mark :

they make the other person feel like the selfish person deserves that you give him everything he wants

Dr. Mark :

without him making hardly any effort,

Dr. Mark :

isn't that what you are seeing here?

Customer:

yes

Customer:

but sometimes i think if i were in a situation like him, how would I react

Customer:

and I'm not sure

Customer:

you know what I mean, as in

Dr. Mark :

I understand.

Customer:

If i was about to be deported and my boyfriend wasn't helping me?

Dr. Mark :

But, somehow, even from the little that you've shared about yourself,

Dr. Mark :

I would be very, very surprised if you were demanding and so uncaring eve if you were in that situation. Isn't that true?

Customer:

that's what i am thinking

Dr. Mark :

I agree.

Dr. Mark :

I don't think being selfish is a matter of the situation you are in:

Customer:

it looks like we've broken up but what he is unhappy about is that he was relying on me and i didn't help

Customer:

not that he lost me

Dr. Mark :

Agreed.

Dr. Mark :

And I hope very, very much you won't fall for that kind of selfish "using" of you.

Dr. Mark :

Because you realize it is not you he valued, but what you could provide HIM.

Dr. Mark :

And it is not your responsibility to take care of his needs, it's his responsibility. Isn't that so?

Dr. Mark :

What do you think?

Customer:

i agree

Dr. Mark :

It says you're typing so I'll wait for you.

Customer:

he also told me something like, "i still respect you, hope it will remain so"

Customer:

this is scary to be honest

Customer:

i am quite lucky with guys like that

Dr. Mark :

Yes. I agree with you.

Dr. Mark :

It sounds as though you realize you need to go the other way and let him deal with his problems on his own, right?

Customer:

yes

Customer:

it's pretty obvious

Customer:

don't even know why I needed to ask this

Customer:

just needed reassurance

Dr. Mark :

You know, needing reassurance is not a bad thing.

Dr. Mark :

It's usually a sign of a caring person who really doesn't want to hurt other people.

Dr. Mark :

It's the opposite of being a selfish person.

Dr. Mark :

So don't belittle yourself for needing to talk it out and realize that you need to move on and let him deal with his own problems.

Dr. Mark :

Okay?

Customer:

Ok

Customer:

thank you

Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5313
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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