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therapist325
therapist325, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 98
Experience:  Licensed Professional counselor with specialized training in relationships.
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I have been married for 20 years now but about 10 years ago

Customer Question

I have been married for 20 years now but about 10 years ago I started to develop Asthma and Emphysema. I began to get chest infections which rendered me unable to do all the things I use to do. The more my husband started doing the more he seem to like doing and going where he wanted. From what I can work out it started with him hiding 8 of the 10 nebuliser tubes I had just washed out and left to dry. he denied knowing where they were. It wasn't til some time after that they were found. Because I only had the 2 tubes left to use when I got another infection I couldn't get rid of it as I wasn't able to wash the tubes out and he wouldn't. I asked if he could get me some new ones from the chemist to which he always said yes but never would. He would still smoke in the house even though he new it was the worst possible thing for my illness. A relative obtained a university write up on Emphysema so he knew all the do's and don'ts. He started to do as much as possible to keep me house bound in the last 10 years he has done everything possible so he can have his single life. He has stolen from me, conned money out of me either by making things up that he has had to pay for or telling me that items he has bought were dearer than they really were. He has only just stopped smoking in the house but he still comes straight to where I am with smoke on him knowing it makes me choke. He leaves me without food, he leaves me without a way to go to the toilet, he always takes the car keys for the car I bought and the Insurance I paid for so I can't go anywhere unless he takes me. There are loads of other things too many to go into right now. I've got to the stage now that I can't and my lungs can't stand any more. Social services have spent £5000 in fitting a stair lift, a walk in shower and a ramp out the front and almost everything in the house is mine. The problem I have is that the house is a council house which we have both lived in for the last 20 years. I have asked him to leave but he says no chance that he will tell social services that he needs some rest bite to take away or he is going to kill me. He says if anyone is gong its not him. He doesn't do any cleaning in the house even though I have bought everything I can to make things easier for him but he knows the germs and dust are really bad for me. I am too ill to be moving as the latest thing he did was to spray an aerosol of foot powder in the bedroom just I was going to bed even though his feet have never smelt and it was 5am and he was just going downstairs to sleep in the chair. I had a really bad and long Asthma attack which obviously turned into a chest infection which has ended up being the worst one I have had. I have finished 2 courses of antibiotics and yet it still hasn't cleared and the pain I have in my lungs now is really bad. just don't know what to do I'm scared all the time waiting for the next course of an infection even though this one hasn't cleared.
The question I need the answer to is who has the right to stay in the house and is there any kind of assistance I can get. My husband is now a pensioner and I m registered disabled, I hope someone can help me please?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  therapist325 replied 2 years ago.

therapist325 :

Hello-It sounds like you are not only going through some tough medical issues, but also an abusive relationship. There are some options for you to be able to get out of the house or him out of the house. It looks like you are from the united kingdom. Is that right? Do you have any medical workers that would be able to help assist you in this abusive relationship? If not, there is services with the disability offices that can offer assistance. You are right in being careful that he doesn't catch you so are you able to make any phone calls when he is not around or talk with someone you trust to get some of the information?

therapist325 :

Another option is to call the police and look into filing a restraining order. This would give you the space you need to start making plans to either file for divorce or at least figure out the legal details regarding the house.

Customer :

Hello wasn't looking to get out of the house I'm the one that has done everything in the house like decorating keeping the house running until I got too ill also everything in the house I have bought he has never shown any Interest in the house I even did the garden when I could. It would be so much easier if he left but just getting a restraining order wouldn't bother him. We are both from the United Kingdom. As for any medical assistance no I don't have any when you have a husband they think you don't need help that they would look after you. As for making phone calls I daren't as he often leaves an hidden tape recorder in the house when he goes out. As to someone I trust he makes sure I don't have any friends as he tells lies to both parties to split us up. There is only my mum but she only comes once a fortnight.

Customer :

As for getting a restraining order as I have stated that wouldn't bother him also want to know where I stand with the house before I dare do anything.

therapist325 :

The house issue is not a black and white issue. With a marriage you both would have rights to the house. If he is not willing to leave the house I am assuming he would fight for the house if you were to separate or divorce. To my understanding, you both have equal right to the house regardless of who has put more into it. Does that make sense? So with the house, it would go into a legal issue.

therapist325 :

On the restraining order, I know it doesn't completely stop everything but it does provide you some protection which it sounds like you need. He is someone that is abusing you in a lot of ways, especially putting your medical issues and health at great risk. A restraining order would give you some of the power back. He may not abide by it, but when he doesn't you would be able to call police and then he would face some consequences for not following the order. I know restraining orders are not pleasant, but at the least you need to do something to protect yourself. Safety is the most important thing!

Customer :

Sorry I had to rush off this morning I heard him getting up. You said about the house that would have to go down the legal root is it still the case for a council house that is rented. I you get chance to reply to this query it is alright to email me as luckily he doesn't know how to work a computer.

therapist325 :

Usually with a marriage anything that you both own would go to that legal route if you would not be able to agree on who could take it. Even if it is a rental agreement. Laws are different in every area so I cannot say for sure, but that is the most common. Does that make sense?

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