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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hi, sorry I chickened out before. So, I am 41 mother of 3,

Resolved Question:

Hi, sorry I chickened out before. So, I am 41 mother of 3, my partner of 4 years has 4 children and for this reason we can't live together.

He is a lovely man, kind, thoughtful, handsome but this is overshadowed a few things;-
His ex wife left him for another man, as a result he does not trust me, despite me never having cheated. He checks my phone and asks why it is not visible when I leave it in my handbag. He never goes out as he is worried i will start going out (I moved back to the UK 4 years ago) As a result I do not have many friendships. I am beginning to feel resentful as I have started uni and he is always asking who I am with, why I didn't call him, why I didn't leave enough kisses on texts etc.

He is also very negative, tends to judge people, doesn't like me putting on weight, and is always 'ill' and complains if I am not sympathetic. I am naturally optimistic and try to enjoy life despite the pressure of being a single mum and find this depressing. In addition, he suffers from health anxiety so on a regular basis I am having to tell him he does not have cancer (it always seems to be cancer).

I really have a passion for travel, but he is scared of flying and says he can not afford to go away, this is also making me resentful especially as he has just paid £300 for his cricket club membership. I like to go out and socialise but he would rather stay in and watch modern family, if I ever put one of my programs on he tells me it is boring or he sulks.

My instincts are telling me to end this relationship but I am afraid of losing my best friend (yet I often feel resentment), I am afraid of our kids losing contact and most of all I am afraid of dating again..not many men would want a single mum, please help?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry t know about this very sad, frustrating and concenring reality.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can see why you feel this way after 4 years in this relationship, where so many thing have not worked well, and where you feel apparently trapped because of fearing you wound not find a good man who could love you and your kids, which seems to be the main reason why you have attached to this person, who has been your best friend, and whose children share with your own children.

Customer:

Yes, I am afraid to be alone. Much of the time we have a good relationship, but I also worry that if I stay i will resent him for not doing the things I enjoy in order to please him.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

But while you fear not having this best friends in your life, you have clearly described a person whose personal issues are so severe, that his ability to offer even a healthy and fulfilling, respectful and supportive friendship are very limited, and for sure as a partener this reality is even much more concerning

Customer:

Yes, I agree. I worry that my confidence has been eroded..I often feel unattractive, yet he does make me feel loved ironically

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry but I cannot see how this relationship could evolve into a truly healthy and fulfilling one for you and for yourr children, due to these very serious issues and incompatibilities between you

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think this person has serious mental health and personality problems, and could be very manipulative too, controlling and that you have allowed too much, leading to enablig his unhealthy ways even more

Customer:

Why do I love him so much, I feel so empty without him (we had another fight) he wants us to meet up and talk about it, and he has said that the fights are as much my fault because i was not sympathetic to him when he had tooth pain.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

and when a person presenting these disorders and serious issues is unable and unwilling to fully acknowledge his problems, to take full responsibility for them, and to commit to make real changes, with necessary professional support, then thing become very hopeless, since nobody but him can control how he shapes his life and impacts on those around him.

Customer:

I worry he would do something silly if I left him, but I know I have to think of my children's and my happiness. I guess I have to be brave, face the heartbreak and rebuild my life slowly with out him

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you feel this way regardless all the pain from all these serious issues, I believe it could be because of how much you have attached to him and to the expectations you built around him, a life together, but these expectations are not matching reality for sure, and fueling them would not help but could lead to self-sabotage and to enable more of what is obviously unhealthy.

Customer:

I wonder if my PMT is making things worse, am I at fault or am i right in thinking that PMT gives me the courage to confront issues..hence why we fight?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think you and your children need and deserve a really healthy, fulfilling and happy life, where each of you as individuals, and all of you as a family could enjoy life day by day, without fear, repression, blame, anxiety or any other destructive feeling.

Customer:

Is it possible to find that?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not see how your PMT could have created these multiple issues for this long period of time, but it does make sense to believe it has helped you to face reality and confront what has been wrong, unhappily it seems to go away too fast and you just get back to this passive,perhaps codependent role, afraid of being alone.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No, people cannot find that, but we all can build this reality if we work on ourselves first, then on finding compatible people, sharing same core values, belief system, expectations and life style.

Customer:

To conclude, do you think my instincts are correct, I shouldn't tolerate this relationship any longer and I should move on...?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Based on everything you shared here, I have to say that even common sense and reality sho that seems to be the most assertive and necessary approach here, and you know how you feel about it, and which your real priorities are, now and for the long run, so please do not betray yourself.

Customer:

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX I have the strength to move on.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome

Customer:

I have to collect my children now, good bye :-)

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I strongly suggest individual counseling for you to work on yourself, to effectively cope and to heal and grow from this tough life experience, since you need and deserve to be and feel truly happy and fulfilled, it would not be easy, but it is necessary and worthy for sure, for you and for your children too.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Good bye,

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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