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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question
Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hello, I have been with my partner for nearly four years now,

Resolved Question:

Hello,
I have been with my partner for nearly four years now, co-habiting for just two. He has been suffering from depression, and is currently on medication. It has not always been an easy relationship - he is not a great communicator, but for the last year we have had no sexual intimacy. He says it is because of the medication he is on, but will not discuss this or anything regarding the relationship with me. I feel emotionally abandoned, and to be frank physically frustrated. I have attempted to (calmly) initiate a conversation, but then because he does not respond,I get exasperated and generally become emotional. I have 'invested' a lot into this relationship- having moved to another (foreign speaking)country to renovate an old house, (and have moved all of my possessions there - so to move back would be very difficult financially for me). We are both in our late 50's.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 3 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this very sad, frustrating and concerning situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please ell me if the sexual problems started right after he started te medication, for him to justify it is the mediation the cause of his sexual problems?

Customer:

It begana couple of monthsafterwards

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You said he blame depression for the lack sexual issues, but also that he has been suffering from depression from much before.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Some psychiatric medication present sexual disorders as side effects, then it is important for him to make sure hsi medication is not known as having those as part of their side effects.

Customer:

Yes, as I mentioned previously, he has a history of depression. He was previously married (now divorced) and apparently something similar occurred then

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

But besides of the sexual issues you have also described other problems he has , which have been deeply affecting your relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

When a person has serious issues leading to depression, and they are not effectively addressed, then they would tend to get worse with time, not better. Also untreated depression uses to get also worse with time, unless the person commits to his rehabilitation process with necessary psychological treatment.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

While medication could help numbing some symptoms, it cannot rehabilitate a person nor address the core issues behind his depresison.

Customer:

By nature he is not a hugely talkative man but his silences can be taken too far - an example of this is when we trave lin the car (sometimes for up to six hours) he makes no attempt to converse - only answers when I initiate. My concern is thatapart from taking the pills, he is apparently not 'doing' any other work on himself.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You have described physical, sexual and emotional neglect here, and I believe that as long as any form of neglect or abuse, even through passive aggressiveness exist in a relationship, it would be impossible for it to mature and grow as a healthy and truly fulfilling one.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then I am sorry, but these rugs would not change his personality nor feeling and and behavior for better, that could only happen it he commits to work on these changes, fully acknowledging all these serious issues, taking total responsibility for them, and getting necessary psychological support.

Customer:

I have asctually said that to him, but he doesn't appear to have taken it on board!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then if he shows inability and unwillingness to work on all these areas, to show he truly cares about you, your feelings and pain his actions cause, then I do not see as realistic to expect much better from this person, unless he significantly changes, and if that happens, it would take long term hard work with necessary professional psychotherapeutic support.

Customer:

I don't want to come over as a harridon -always having tough advice for him, is there any (fresh) way I could re-approach the subject with him?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Being totally honest, open, and direct, while respectful, gentle, empathetic and accountable for your own feelings, choices and actions is in my opinion the best way to approach this. If he truly cares and is willing to take you and your core feelings, needs and expectations into account, he would start getting necessary support and consistent action to make changes.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You should take initiatives and model the behaviors you want him to develop, that's the best way to support him, then everything else is about time, and time will show you if this relationship is truly healthy, fulfilling and reciprocal or not, after you do everything that depends on you, once he also needs to play a mature, respectful and caring role for it to work.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer:

Yes, thank you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome..

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust. Please take gentle care and consistent action.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Let me suggest a couple of books that may help you in this porcess

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts


http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-That-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=sr_1_8?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1381718946&sr=1-8&keywords=marriage

Love Is Never Enough: How Couples Can Overcome Misunderstandings, Resolve Conflicts, and Solve Relationship Problems Through Cognitive Therapy


http://www.amazon.com/Love-Never-Enough-Misunderstandings-Relationship/dp/0060916044/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1381452535&sr=8-1&keywords=love+is+never+enough

Couple Skills: Making Your Relationship Work


http://www.amazon.com/Couple-Skills-Making-Your-Relationship/dp/157224481X/ref=pd_sim_b_2

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I hope they help. Thank you again and bye for now.

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