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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I need some help! And I dont have anyone I can talk to right

Resolved Question:

I need some help! And I don't have anyone I can talk to right now. My boyfriend of two years broke up with me last week. I'm in my last year of uni and he is in his second. He lives at home in London and I like in Crewe during term times. Our relationship has had ups and downs. We first went out in 2011 for three months when he ended it before I left for uni. We broke up for almost a year. We started dating again officially last year in May. He was never comfortable with affection and wouldn't hold my hand unless we were in private. I tried to be patient with him. Towards Christmas things were better he was more affectionate and the relationship felt right! I was the happiest I'd ever been and so was he. It was only until about a month ago that things started to go sawer. We were both stressed with uni deadlines that everything felt more intense and things he would let roll off his back began to make him irritated. I was confused and decided to give him a little space to cool off. He then broke up with me and told me every time he spoke to me he'd get angry. I explained that it was the stress of everything that made him a lot more sensitive. He then agreed. I then decided since it was Easter he should come to Crewe and we can spend some quality time. We hadn't seem each other since February. I paid for his ticket since he had no money. He's birthday is XXXXX may and I knew I wouldn't be able to be in London for it. So I decided to buy him some presents. I got him a ps3 controller, electric toothbrush and a cool backpack that matched his favourite jacket. When he arrived it was awkward but I kept thinking 'just keep trying' we ended up having a nice evening. On Saturday I went to the post office to collect his gifts, came home and wrapped them, I then went upstairs and surprised him. He was so happy! That's all I wanted to see his smile! He then made us breakfast and it was lovely. The next day after going to the recording studio he said he was having a get together on his birthday weekend. Proviously he told me that he was just hanging out with the guys on Thursday. I had asked to come and meet his friends as I thought it would be cool but he had told me it wasn't gonna happen. So when he said he was defiantly doing something I was shocked. I felt like he didn't want me to come or to meet his friends! He then stated yelling at me in the middle of the street saying 'I'm sorry but your not the first person I think of when I make plans' this hurt me as I always think of him when I know something means a lot to him. We got home and he basically told me he didn't want to be with me anymore, and that all the things I've ever done for him he'd never do for me. He felt like I did things for him because I wanted something back :(. And that he knew I wanted him to tell me he loved me (which I never asked for nor did I ever say). I cried as I was disappointed and broken. He told me he didn't feel the same way about me, and hasn't for some time. I asked why he never told me and he said he thought the feeling would disappear. I cried some more and it was awkward. When I finally stopped my eyes were sore and puffy. Then we laid in bed and talked, we laughed and he began to hold my hand and flirt with me. I was so confused. We then had relations after he told me it meant nothing and that he has a way of turning on his feelings and Turing them off. The next day we talked some more. Then he packed and we headed for the train station. But he wanted to take the gifts. I felt it wasn't right but he wanted them so I let him have them although I felt like even when he broke my heart I still gave him more things. He left and the next day he asked if he could buy me something. I said no as I felt it was coming from a place if guilt. He then said he felt bad for saying her never do anything for me. I just said it was too late and that we both messed up. I didn't talk to him for a week till he asked about the songs he's helping me mix. Today's his birthday and I called him as he always call me on my birthday no matter the status of our relationship. I sang to him and joked around he sounded a little irritated and distant. This is the bad part. I'm very disappointed in my behaviour. But I had this urge to check his FB messages. And what I found broke me into pieces. I have no right to have logged into his personal account and I know I shouldn't have made that mistake. I saw a conversation with him and this girl he goes to uni with. They talked on the day of our breakup. He basically invited her for his birthday gathering (he lied to me and told me there'd only be guys). He then spoke to her saying "Ive just broken up with her! I feel so bad" "Well just that i don't feel the same way anymore. I'm trying to be nice about it but shes just crying" and that he didn't even want the gifts and was glad it was over. Should I ask for the gifts back i want them back! And he's still mixing my songs for uni but I want nothing to do with him. Help
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 3 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this truly overwhelming situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The reality you have described here is very sad, and frustrating since it clearly shows that while you have been honest, caring, understanding and supportive, setting this person's well-being and happiness as a priority in your life, he has done the opposite, causing real pain and suffering for a long period of time.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thus this is not about an isolated incident or a misunderstanding, but about serious pattern of neglectful, abusive and manipulative behaviors, which are totally incompatible with any form of real and healthy love.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

He never truly showed you consistent real and caring affection, but broke your heart, not because of you doing anything wrong, but because of his own issues and deficiencies, around immaturity, selfishness, lack of respect and even compassion.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

When a relationship is not really reciprocal, when there is not real honesty, openness and respect, no matter how hard you try an do your best, it would never develop and growth as a healthy and truly fulfilling experience, but the other person would use, abuse, neglect and manipulate you in obvious or subtle ways.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you have found about, allows you to finally come to terms with reality that this person does not deserve your affection, trust nor respect, and that exposing to him would only cause further pain and enable further abuse and manipulation. Now you need to focus on your healing process and be very proactive. You need that mix ready as agreed before, then please wait for him to complete it, and once you have it, you'd end every communication after telling him to send back your presents, since it is obvious he does not deserve any of them.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Now the most important priority is for you not to waste your time nor to get even more hurt by this person, but to heal and grow stronger and wiser from this overwhelming experience, so you would never allow anybody like him again into your life, but only those capable and willing to respect, love, understand, support and take good care of you, in real reciprocal and fulfilling ways.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer: Thank you so much! I feel like this is exactly what I needed to hear. I know he's not a bad person but I can't keep trying to make him see that. I really appreciate your advice and I'll start working on myself as I feel that's were the real issue is, if I can let someone treat me that way and still feel like I can help them see the good parts about our relationship. I'll ask for the presents back too so I don't feel like I lost out on anything. I'll be seeing him at a party next month. I just hope ill be able to still have a good time. I feel really let down as he was my best friend but I understand now that I'll have to let that go.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You’re very welcome. I fully support you and feel hopeful about your healing and growth process from this tough experiences.


Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.


 


You can contact me using this direct link to my profile http://www.justanswer.com/relationship/expert-rafael-morales-toia/, you could bookmark it for easy access, and just make sure you state "For Rafael only" in your request, for other experts to know you want me to reply, and I will respond in less than an hour most of the time.


 


Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care and consistent action.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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