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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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My fiance and I are having major issues. He started a business

Customer Question

My fiance and I are having major issues. He started a business and I decided I would do a business degree to help run the business. I see areas where are problems and I try explain to him that he should try do things different. He has only had one major sale and had to use the money yo repurchase plants from a different supplier as his one supplier let him down and owes him a couple of thousand euro. I understood he had to source replacement plants (at higher cost). I have explained he needs to get his money back and not order any more plants until he starts selling. He has roughly 6000 euro worth of plants sitting in Greene house going no where. He has told me I'm bossie and a control freak and I should stay out of his business. Im not working as Im studying so he pays most bills which he throws at me now. We are three years together and when we met I asked if he ever cheated he said no. I found out this February he cheated on his ex wife a number of times. I fear he will do same as he left house yesterday to party as he said a free man
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this very serious situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It seems very frustrating and concerning to see how easily your fiance can make very risky decisions about money, and even worse, how easily he could push you away and totally disregard the commitment you have with each other because for you trying to help him, in order to prevent further non-sense decisions around wasting his money, while allowing other people to keep some of it as you described here.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This tough situation seems to be showing you multiple areas presenting serious issues he has around lack of accountability, respect, assertiveness and honesty. The way he easily denies reality, serious issues and threatens you if you do not fully take and enable his dysfunctional behaviors around money and responsibility seems very shocking, and the fact he was dishonest about main infidelity problems in his past marriage, exactly when his ex-wife was trying to address his money problems is very concerning, and seems like the same pattern is happening here with you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thus he is not only being neglectful and irresponsible, but abusive and manipulative, and this could never lead to anything healthy nor constructive. Unhappily you cannot do much better now but to keep clear and healthy boundaries here, focusing on taking good care of yourself, while beholding how he handles the consequences and issues he creates. I believe he only way for a person like him to come to terms with reality and consider changing for good, would be real pain and suffering, otherwise he would remain the same and become more neglectful, abusive and manipulative.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I know that his failure would also deeply impact your personal life and relationship, but I do not see other realistic way for this situation to change. It is very painful but now you are seeing core issues that could never allow your relationship to mature nor grow as a healthy and mutually fulfilling reality, and the sooner you see things the way they are the less pain you would have to afford now and in the long run.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer:

Hi Rafael

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hi, thank you for replying

Customer:

Thank you for your reply Rafel. that makes perfect sence. he is very aggressive not violent but wants everything his way. he has total disrespect for my views on his business yet I have an honours degree in business management. I have decisions to make though I love him I dont know if it is enough. He wants someone who will agree with him and tell him how great he is. People take advantage of him regarding buying plants etc. I need to take a long hard look at myself and make sure I dont suffer anymore. Best Regards Caroline

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. This is a tough d sad situation, but as you said, you need cannot afford staying passive since his decisions and actions do affect you

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Pleasing his ego and dysfunctions would only enable further distortions and negative consequences.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

and that's something you do not want to afford for sure.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

When love exposes you to be used, abused, neglected, disrespected or manipulated in subtle or obvious ways, it becomes unhealthy and destructive, causing unnecessary pain, wounding and empowering the other person's distortions. Thus it becomes something very different, opposite from what healthy love truly is.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please remember that your first need, right and responsibility is to respect, love, support, and take good care of yourself, since it is from there that you would be able to set healthy boundaries and limits, and build good relationships with those able and willing to share with you at the same level, with real compatibility around core value and belief systems, needs and expectations, personalities and life styles, otherwise it would only lead to very destructive relationships and situations.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

As long as he does not fully acknowledge his serious personal problems around his sense of self-worthiness, immaturity, irresponsibility, dysfunctional and, abusive ways, he would continue creating dysfunction and pain in his life, affecting those around him; this is why you cannot afford being passive, and by this I do not mean pushing him to change if he does not want to change, but not taking any further abuse nor exposing to suffer from the consequences his choices and actions create.

Customer:

I should have more sence than to let this happen. It is a vicious circle for him. He started a online buainess ten yeard ago it went out the window but he talkds about it in such a posative way. Is it possible a person can be so oblivious to what they are doing and have such a lack of care for a partner. Regardlesd of the business issue I feel totally let down by the fact he knowd that I have a fear of cheating as it happened to me in the past. I left straight away. He had no regard leaving last night to partys

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is a tough situation for sure, and as you said, you need to carefully reflect on it, assessing pros and cons of each of your main options, and from there taking consistent actions in order to take good care of yourself, hoping he does the same. Yes, it is possible and very shocking and frustrating, and it uses to be rooted on immaturity, and personality problems, very distorted ways, and he willingly chooses to do what he knows hurts you the most, and that's why I tell you that this is very abusive behavior, and nobody in your shoes should never take any of it, otherwise you would continue enable him more and more.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is very sad and frustrating, and since his actions show he is unable and unwilling to even respect you, not caring about your feelings, pain and well-being, then it would be unrealistic and self-sabotaging to expose to him even more.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No form of abuse nor neglect should be tolerated, and a person presenting these serious issues is far away from being able to become a real, healthy life partner, attaching and expecting more from him would not help but expose you to even further abuse/neglect and wounding, and these are things you do not need nor deserve at all.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I truly hope you choose to protect, love and support yourself, Caroline.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.


You can contact me using this direct link to my profile http://www.justanswer.com/relationship/expert-rafael-morales-toia/, you could bookmark it for easy access, and just make sure you state "For Rafael only" in your request, for other experts to know you want me to reply, and I will respond in less than an hour most of the time.



Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care and consistent action.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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