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DrJackiePhD
DrJackiePhD, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 347
Experience:  I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.
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I was with my ex-boyfriend for 20 months, when we met he had

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I was with my ex-boyfriend for 20 months, when we met he had been separated from his wife for over 8 months and said he was relieved and didn't feel anything when it ended. I had left a 5 year relationship nearly a year ago with someone who never used to come home and constantly lied to me. I was worried because he was 5 years younger than me, in the army and the fact he was at some point going to freak out over his marriage and I told him that we couldn't work because I would want marriage and kids in a couple of years and he wouldn't. He assured me that wasn't a problem for him and overwhelmed me with love and spent most of our relationship saying he couldn't wait to marry me and that I should stop my contraception and we would try for a baby. He is in the army so at first we only saw each other weekends but then we moved in together in June last year when he had a minor freak out but got over it, unless he was away he wanted to spend all his time with me and it was all very loving until 3 weeks ago (2 months before he asked me if he thought my dad would say yes if he proposed), i'd been quite stressed at work for a few weeks and we'd had some minor rows but nothing major than he went away for 2 weeks and started acting distant just before my birthday and sent a text saying he couldn't give me what I want in the timescales that I wanted it and he needed time to think. I spoke to him and he admitted that since he got his final divorce papers he had realised that he didn't want to get married again and if he truly loved me then surely he would want to do that, and there was other stuff he wanted to do in his life - joining the SAS, volunteering for war, go away when he wants to and I wanted someone who was at home with me and he wants to go away whenever he likes and have a family waiting for him when he got back. I spoke to him again that same day and he was nearly hysterical I had to calm him down - he was crying and hyperventilating. When he came back we met and talked - he didn't mean to hurt me and he loved me but I asked him a couple of months back if our family was unhappy would he leave the army - it made him realise he can't live without the army (he joined when he was 19 after his dad died), that he wanted to be alone, he didn't want anyone emotionally dependent on him, he didn't ever want kids as he is too selfish, he just wants to be on his own in his army room, be an island, join the SAS, go to war etc - if I tried to talk to him too much about what he was feeling - then he started having a panic attack and couldn't breathe. Apart from a minor attempt to sort out our rental, I have not heard from him since and I just feel so betrayed - how do you change your mind so quickly and why spend 18 months convincing someone that you wanted marriage and kids with them and then just stop caring? Yes I was worried about being an army wife but I feel I gave up so much to make it work - moved out of London so we could commute (him to camp, me to london), spent all my time with him as he wouldn't be at home unless I was there and changed my job 3 weeks ago as we thought that he would be moving location and this one was more compatible. I feel like he has left me with nothing, I am 34 and feel so so alone, all my friends have partners and have/having kids, it took a lot to leave my ex who was very manipulative and I thought that when I did I would find the right one now I don't feel I have the strength to start over and that I can't trust myself. I can't understand why he played make believe with my life.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 2 years ago.

DrJackiePhD :

Hi,

DrJackiePhD :

I'd like to try to help if you are waiting...

DrJackiePhD :

This is not my answer. I would love to chat with you if you have time later today. I'm a professor/researcher/counselor and am free today EDT between now (12:50 and 2 p.m.) and then again from about 3-6 EDT. I will keep checking back. For now, I'm going to just get a few thoughts together and write them but again, this isn't really an answer but a start. I do hope we can chat later! :-)

DrJackiePhD :

First, it seems like you may have questioned leaving the 5-year relationship after this recent 20-month one broke up. However, you write about the manipulation and lies. Maybe I'm reading into it, but I applaud you for leaving that regardless of whether or not you were to get into another relationship. That one was not healthy, and you do not deserve to be lied to or manipulated.

JACUSTOMER-wyh8k5u8- :

Hi

JACUSTOMER-wyh8k5u8- :

Thanks for getting back to me - the chat feature was not working yesterday. I am in the UK so 5 hours behind, it would be good to chat soon. I don't really question leaving my 5 year relationship (I had got to the point where I hated him) but I came out of it with low self-esteem for putting up with him for 5 years, not trusting my self and believing that nobody else could love me and it now feels like that is true.

JACUSTOMER-wyh8k5u8- :

Sorry Uk is 5 hours ahead.

JACUSTOMER-wyh8k5u8- :

I will try and check back at some point.

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