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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5785
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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what can i do. my 57 and 58 year old sons have formed a relationship

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what can i do. my 57 and 58 year old sons have formed a relationship with with the other woman and her family. their father has been dead for 10 years. he left us when my sons were 5 and 6 and didnt see them or have contect with them until they were 21. He sent me £8 a week for their support and stopped payment when they were 16 yrs
When they married their wives got them together and made friend I thought out of loyalty to me they s with the woman he left me for. I didn't know about it for a long time but was not against them seeing him but I did object to family get togethers without me. I thought they should have a relationship with him which did not include his wife. They have pretended not to see her but I recently saw them on facebook all to gether celebrating her 80th birthday. It seems bizarre that they can celebrate her birth when she played such a large part in breaking up their family and causing us so much distress. We may be related by blood but they have no loyalty to me. Once again I am devastated and my self confidence is in shreds. I don't know what to do. I love them very much. I worked very hard for them and they have done really well. I am 80 this year and I feel I have nothing of value in this relationship. I am certainly no asset to them. What should I do? How can their relationship be so important that they can
leave me in a position where I cannot trust them.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 2 years ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It can be very painful to realize that your children have developed a relationship with your ex and his wife. After all, what your ex husband and the woman he with did to your family was extremely painful and hard on you. And you dealt with the consequences.

It may help to consider that your sons may not feel as you do about the woman their father is with. They were very young when their father left and therefore did not really grasp the pain and difficulty you went through when your husband left the family. They also may want their father to accept them and give them the love they never got from him when they were young. If that means accepting his wife, which is often the case, then they may be willing to do so in order to get what they need from him.

Relationships with a parent that left the family is often more complicated than they appear from the outside. You may see the photos and information on Facebook, but social media is not an accurate measure to what really goes on between family members or with anyone for that matter. It is only what someone wants others to see. They will not tell you of the cold shoulders, unkind words or putting up with someone so you can be with your father.

It is perfectly fine to tell your sons that you want a better relationship with them. The key is not to blame them for what they are doing with their father, since they are trying to get their needs met. But the important part is to work hard to create a better relationship between you and your sons. That way, no matter what happens with their father, you still have a strong relationship with them, which will make their relationship with their father and his wife less painful.

And you might want to try therapy to help you cope with how this is impacting your self esteem. If you feel this is a comparison between you and his father and who is better, then their relationship with their father is going to continue to hurt you deeply. It is more important that your sons get what they need rather than this interfering in your relationship with them. Therapy can help you cope with that. Try asking your doctor for a referral or you can search for a therapist online:

http://www.itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/therapists

http://www.bacp.co.uk/

I hope this helps you,
Kate







May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 2 years ago.
I am sorry you feel so unhappy about the answer I provided. Is there anything I can do to get you the answer you are looking for?

Kate
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

No leave it.

Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 2 years ago.
Ok no problem. Again, sorry you were unhappy. I hope things work out for you and your sons.

Take care,

Kate
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5785
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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