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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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hi my partner and i have been living together for over 5 years

Resolved Question:

hi my partner and i have been living together for over 5 years now, im 51 and shes 53, we are both in love, she has two children from her firast marriage, i have never married or had children,
but i find myself more and more wanting a child of my own but she is unable to now, her daughter is pregnant with her first, my niece has just had her first, and it all seems to be brought up in front of me and im finding it really hard to cope. my mother desperately wants a grandchild from me, which dosnt help the matter, i just dont know what to do as i love my partner so much, if i talk to her about it i know it would be the begining of the end, i never knew she couldnt have any more children until 1 year into the relationship. which was obviously too late as i had already fallen in love big time.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 3 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know bout this very sad and frustrating situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for joining the chat

Customer:

Hi what is the reply as cant see any

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please confirm what you said about your expectation .... I am sorry I have just read your question and was staring to reply via this chat. If you do not feel comfortable with it,no problem I'd leave for another expert to reply.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me if you want to continue with the chat and discuss your situation, or prefer to wait for an expert to leave a reply?

Customer:

No thats fine carry on

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No problem

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please confirm that when you started your relationship, she was 48 years old and you did believe and expected her to give you a child, and that only after one year from the, when she was 49 years old, you knew she was not able to get pregnant, and that's why you felt frustrated and disappointed, since you did want a child and truly believe she was going to give you children?

Customer:

Well i was hoping. She even missed s couple of periods and bought a preg tedt as thought she maybe but then said she couldnt be as had partial hist

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is not common for people to believe and expect a woman around her 50s to have children. While it is possible, it is not very common, then I wonder if when you started your relationship your partner told you she was able and willing to have a child with you, and that's why you felt disappointed after a year when you find out she was not able to do so.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, then you truly believed she could have more children, but it was not possible since she has partial hysterectomy, right?

Customer:

Well im not sure. But i just feel so unhappy about the siguation and it seems wherever i go its thrown up in my face in front of me. Idont want to leave her i cant talk to her about it but the pressure hurts so much

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It seems you have been pushed by different people about it, including your mother, and that you always have a longing to have your own child, but also you said that after 1 year into your relationship, when you knew for sure you could not have a child with your partner, you chose to continue and have been building and enjoying your life together for the last 4 -5 years. Thus you decided at that time that even when knowing you could not have a child together, your relationship and life together was worthy and good enough to continue, and you acknowledge you love each other, and that she has been a good life partner all these years, right?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

But the same time you seem to be overwhelmed now because of this situation. This is why it seems obvious that the only effective way to address this issue is by reassessing your top life priorities, around needs and expectations, in consistency with core value and belief systems, for you to decide what you really can and want to afford from now on.

Customer:

Yes but i fell in love with her in under a year Nd how can i finish with someone i love. The choice was impossible but here i am in the no win situation unless i leave ghe woman i love and bope to meet someone else who can give me children. But isnt that so selfish?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you believe and feel that having a child is a priority here before the integrity of your long term relationship, then that would be the only option here, unless your partner accepts you having a child with another woman and still remain together, but it seems that is not an option here based on your words. It would be considered selfish if you accepted your reality years ago and chose to continue in the relationship regardless of that limitation, since she trusted you and committed to you. But even in that scenario, if you now do not want to continue without having your own child, no matter how selfish it would be for you to do this now, it seems that if you do not change your mind about it, there would be no other option, as long as you consider having a child as more important than protecting and continue your relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's why I said that "the only effective way to address this issue is by reassessing your top life priorities, around needs and expectations, in consistency with core value and belief systems, for you to decide what you really can and want to afford from now on".

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You did this 4 years ago when you decided to stay with her and continue for the next 4 years, but now it is obvious you do not feel fulfilled at that core level, thus you need to evaluate pros and cons and choose what is more important for you in the present and for the long run, choose and take full responsibility for your decision and actions as you did 4 years ago.

Customer:

Im so confused and unhappy at mo which is obvious to her and she keeps asking if shes done anything wrong. I just said its me not hou. But how can i tell her what ghe problem is without it coming between us. I know she will say thdn vo find someone younger sho can give you a child

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Many people, while feeling frustrated about not having their own child, when they choose to continue for years building a relationship they believe and feel being worthy and fulfilling, come to terms with the fact they would not have a child of their own, but take it as a worthy sacrifice because of their feelings and the life they enjoy with their partners. This is why you need to be totally truthful with yourself in order to know what you really want and are willing t afford or not, since each person is different because of personality, values, beliefs and life experiences, and that makes for some people possible to continue the same and feel happy and fulfilled and life, while others in the same situation would never feel truly satisfied without a child, and that's why only you can know what is more important for you. Individual psychotherapy seems necessary here for you to work on this tough situation, since there is so much involved here.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is a tough and painful reality, but I do not believe you could effectively approach it without being %100 truthful with yourself and honest towards your partner, since a healthy and fulfilling relationship cannot develop without this core trust, openness and truthfulness. Some people would consider finding a woman exclusively willing to have a child you and your partner could raise together, that would be an option as long as your partner feels comfortable with it, and the only way to know would be by openly talking about it.

Customer:

I know that i would not feel fullfilled not having a child. But yet love her so much. I dont know if i could feel the same about anyone else. Yes pressure from my mum who dosnt really see dye to eye with my partner dosnt help because of these facts i ghink. And we have split a couple of gimes over family issues but back together within a ouple of days becausd we love each other so much. I juzt feel its cat h 22 for me and tough luck

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

As suggested, professional psychotherapy/counselling seems very necessary here, for you to work on this tough situation, with clarity, assertiveness, and to make sure you do not self-sabotage nor cause unnecessary suffering to your partner.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I would never suggest anybody in you shoes to do risk the integrity of your relationship because of being pushed by your mother, since this is something that only you and your partner can and should decide. You are an adult and should take full responsibility for your own feelings, choices and actions, otherwise you would be neglectful, enable manipulation and a very codependent relationship with your mother, and because of that you could not play a healthy and fulfilling role in your partner's life.

Customer:

No. I just needed to ask someone elses opinion. Thanks

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is another good reason why psychotherapy seems so important for oyu to work on yourself around all these core issues in effective and assertive ways.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Then you truly love each other very much, and should not allow anybody to undermine your life together, and each of you has the totally right, power and responsibility to ensure that as adults.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I truly hope you allow yourself to work on this challenging situation with professional support and work with your partner developing further open dialogue that could allow you to protect and promote your relationship integrity and well-being, as long as both really share the same priorities in life, only then this other tough situation could be addressed in wise and effective ways.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care and consistent action.

Customer:

Thankyou

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. Bye for now.

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