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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I love my partner but feel very unhappy in our relationship

Resolved Question:

I love my partner but feel very unhappy in our relationship just was wondering if I could get an advise ?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about your concerning situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please tell me more about it.

Customer: Thanks
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome.

Customer: We have a 2 year old daughter and since she was born we are living together.Since we live together I have never been happy.We keep arguing and my partner thinks it's all my fault
Customer: I have left a city that I love and job ,all so sold my house for us to live together and it doesn't seem to be working....
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to hear that. For how long were you in the relationship before living together, and what do you think caused all these problems to start that way? Do you think it was because of your child? Parenting issues or marital issues related to raising her, what changed your relationship that much?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, you you sacrifice a life you built because of committing to this relationship and family, what about him?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Whenever it is about relationships, both partners are responsible for what happens between them. Once could be more actively or passively playing a role in it, but both shape it, thus it is unacceptable, and most times abusive and manipulative for an adult partner to blame the other as the cause for every problems in the relationship.

Customer: We have been together only a year before our daughter was born and as we both have kids from previous marrages we haven't planed to have more kids but as our daughter came along as a big surprise we love her to bits she is not an issue.When I got pregnant he said he won't be able to move as his kids mother passed away not long time ago and also his parents are old but as well as that he didn't like Living in London .
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see then your daughter is loved and supported by both of you, but he did not want to live together because of those personal reasons, but he did decide and started this new life once your daughter was born. Then which have been the core issues taht started as soon as your new life began two years ago?

Customer: I found it really difficult to live in his house and small town .he didn't like me feeling down all the time . I was complaining a lot ,he was working hard and staying away for work and I found all that really difficult.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see then this relocation implied dramatic changes in your life at several levels, which caused frustration, lack of fulfillment, perhaps loneliness and other painful feelings, deepened by the fact he was not there enough since working that hard.

Customer: Yes
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then it seems both of you have felt very frustrated because of your situation but have not been able to dialogue in assertive ways and work on developing a plan that could help you heal your relationship and make necessary changes for it to work.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

But you also said that he mostly blames you for everything going wrong in the relationship, which is, as I said, not only unacceptable but abusive too.

Customer: We have a problem comunication as he gets really angry and shouts at me if I say I am not happy with something
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thus in order for you to be able to move forward and make your relationship work while protecting your family, both need to take full responsibility for your own feelings, choices and actions,in that way you would be able to work on making necessary changes... but if as you say, he continues being emotionally and verbally abusive like that, there is no way you could make things any better

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You can and should only take full responsibility for what depends on you, setting and keeping clear and healthy boundaries, which include not taking any form of abuse, otherwise you would be enabling more of it, which would not only continue to negatively affect you, but also your daughter/children.

Customer: It is not healthy for our daughter already as she tries to protect me every time he shouts at me.he says that it's my fault for our daughter doing that as I make him shout and swear because of the comments I make or complains...
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know the abuse has got this far, it is domestic violence, and your daughter is obviously the helpless victim here, and this should never be tolerated under any circumstance, since your top priority, need and responsibility should be protecting your daughter, and making sure she does not suffer any form of abuse, neglect or trauma, like she is already undergoing.

Customer: He is older 14 years and always make me feel like I am not intelligent child that doesn't have no idea how to behave
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is how people develop personality disorders from such early age, so please carefully reflect on this situation, and reassess your priorities here, and what you are really able and willing to afford now and in the long run, because the damage inflicted in your daughter could not be reversed no matter how much sad and frustrated you feel about it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's also very concerning, clearly abusive and manipulative, and your situation would not get any significantly better as long as both of you willingly choose to take full responsibility for everything that depends on you, ending every form of abuse, neglect or manipulation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think you need professional counselling support, from individual to couples counselling. But for the relationship and domestic violence issues to end, he first needs to acknowledge, address, take responsibility and commit to change, getting necessary professional support. Then you could effectively work on the relationship issues, otherwise I think it would be unrealistic to expect your situation would get fine, heal and grow as a healthy and fulfilling reality for all of you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer: He says I am an abusive partner but he never thinks about what he says to me might effect me too.I have some trust in men issues because of my past and he is really angry about that.when I ask him something that involves another women he responds really badly to it
Customer: Yes it does make sense
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then it is clear to me that professional individual and couples counseling are necessary for you to work on making necessary changes, since this has been getting worse for the past two years, and I do not think you can afford it getting worse, specially because of the life long effects it is creating in your daughter.

Customer: Yes we are going to arrange that soon as we think that's our only chance
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely. Please do not delay it any longer, since each of you need and deserve a healthy and fulfilling life, specially your daughter who totally depends on both of you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Let me suggest a couple of books that may help you. They could be good but cannot replace necessary counselling

Customer: Yes thanks
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome.


The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts


http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-That-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=sr_1_8?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1381718946&sr=1-8&keywords=marriage


Love Is Never Enough: How Couples Can Overcome Misunderstandings, Resolve Conflicts, and Solve Relationship Problems Through Cognitive Therapy


http://www.amazon.com/Love-Never-Enough-Misunderstandings-Relationship/dp/0060916044/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1381452535&sr=8-1&keywords=love+is+never+enough

Couple Skills: Making Your Relationship Work http://www.amazon.com/Couple-Skills-Making-Your-Relationship/dp/157224481X/ref=pd_sim_b_2


Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I hope any of them help.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.

Customer: Thanks
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. You can contact me using this direct link to my profile http://www.justanswer.com/relationship/expert-rafael-morales-toia/, you could bookmark it for easy access, and just make sure you state "For Rafael only" in your request, for other experts to know you want me to reply, and I will respond in less than an hour most of the time.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care and consistent action.

Customer: I will thanks
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Good. Thank you. Bye for now.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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