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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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My fiancé doesnt want to marry me after having a baby

Resolved Question:

My fiancé doesn't want to marry me after we had our baby
He proposed me when I was pregnant ans he was keen to marry me but now after having our baby ( he is 1 year old now) he said he doesn't love me that much to be his wife but he wants to live with me
We lost communication this last year, we both are tired and not having any sex or communication.i don't know what to do to build this relationship again
He said he wants to try to be both happy and we will seek some professional help.i don't want to split up how I can approach him again? I changed he changed...
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this very sad and frustrating situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me more about what happened for her to change her mind that way? Is she suffering from anxiety or depression?

Customer: I don't know what to do
Customer: His mind
Customer: I'm the woman
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry for the confusion.

Customer: No but we had such a difficult year
Customer: It's ok
Customer: Well he proposed me when I was pregnant
Customer: We had a very happy relationship
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, then he was not truly sure about wanting to get married at this time but felt it was his responsibility to do so?

Customer: I guess
Customer: He told me he loves me but not that much to marry me now
Customer: I mean the baby changed our relationship
Customer: We are both tired no much sex..
Customer: I'm desperate and I want to be both happy
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's very sad. How did the baby change it?

Customer: Alex hardly slept all this year
Customer: Being up all night
Customer: I did t go back to work and I'm working from home now.
Customer: And Greg is so tired
Customer: I mean we both get angry silly things
Customer: He doesn't approach me anymore
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then the extra responsibilities and demand from this change in your lives have deeply pushed you and your relationship.

Customer: Yes I guess
Customer: Today we agreed we need some help
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Isn't he willing to get couples counseling?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's very good

Customer: Professional help to build our relationship
Customer: He says he loves me but why he doesn't want to marry me?
Customer: How I can be happy again? I used to be so positive
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely, a baby, the first child, specially when there was too much pressure and previous issues affecting a relationship, could trigger further problems and lead to serious crisis, and that's why professional counseling support could be very necessary.

Customer: Do you think we can build our relationship again?
Customer: I'm so upset.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

it is tough, specially now that you have your baby, you are much more vulnerable and sensitive because of it, the tough time before and during your pregnancy and now facing his decision not to get married.

Customer: How should I behave to him ?
Customer: I want to stay with him and be a lovely couple again
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think you should be consistent with your feelings towards him, and clear about what you need and want, without pushing him, but being empathetic and supportive, modeling the very behaviors that you need from him. Hopefully he would be able to calm down get necessary professional support to better cope with these challenges and problems, so to work on healing your relationship.

Customer: I shouldn't ask him if he loves me? I felt so bad I asked that couple of times today.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It could be very traumatic for a person in your shoes to get this news, but pushing him would not help, that's why both need to be compassionate, understanding and supportive with each other, and set your baby's health and well-being as the number one priority in your lives.

Customer: And how will I know if i am having any progress?
Customer: I'm in pain ..I haven't eaten all day
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Mostly by his consistent actions in time, rather than from words. From the affection, patience, support and caring he shows towards you and your baby.

Customer: what about our sexual life? He is so distant and I asked him of he has a gf
Customer: but I don't think he had
Customer: has
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please do take good care of yourself, in order to protect and take good care of your baby. Any thing that wounds you would hurt your baby too, but it would literally damage his mind and body in deep ways, and that's something you do not want to afford at all

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

These are all serious concerns that should be addressed, and that's why couples counseling seems very important for you to get competent support facilitating your dialogue , accountability an proactive actions.

Customer: I don't know how I can deal with it today..ii definitely need some help
Customer: is it a good thing he doesn't want me to move out?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your support system, namely close family and friends, should play an actively healing you through this tough process, since it is about your personal and your baby's health and integrity before anything, and by taking good care of yourself, you would be able to work on taking good care of your relationship.

Customer: And my family is so far away
Customer: im on my own here
Customer: i live in uk but I'm greek and my partner is English
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think so, otherwise he could have left already.

Customer: So he should tell the truth then
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, then please keep closely in touch with them and which close friends, since it is not good for you to be alone like that at all.

Customer: Yes I have some good friends here
Customer: Shall I behave normal tomorrow?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely, without total honesty and openness there is no way to build a healthy and fulfilling relationship, family and life togeter.

Customer: Shall I show I'm so heart broken or hide it?
Customer: I don't want him to think I'm miserable
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not suggest you to deny nor repress your feelings at all, but to be mindful about them for you to control the way you vent them and redirect yourself towards proactive and healthy actions that could help you to be and feel better.

Customer: should I tell my family he broke our engagement? I'm not ready to talk about it to anyone yet
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not think you should hide this pain or would poison yourself and your baby, sabotaging yourself, baby and relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then wait a little bit, but please do not delay it too much otherwise you would get more wounded and overwhelmed, since you need their support.

Customer: I keep asking myself would a man do that to a woman if he truly loves her?
Customer: And what he expects from me after all these ? How I will continue ? I mean he knows I want a second baby and a happy home..we were going to buy a house in a few months
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

it is obviously abusive, neglectful and traumatizing, incompatible with healthy love, but since you were already having issues before it, the pregnancy and your baby could have triggered more his personal issues and fears, that's why he needs to work on what he really feels, wants and is willing to do about it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right now, you need to focus on takign good care of your immediate needs, rather than thinking too much n the future since his words and actions have changed all your plans

Customer: So he thinks himself first..I was a happy smiley woman and now I'm knackered and completely drained
Customer: I won't mention marriage again then and try to be happy for me and Alex
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You need to be yourself, in order to heal and grow from it, while taking good care of your baby, since that's what you can and should control, then only time will show you if he has what it takes to protect, love and support you and your child or not.

Customer: Shall I blame myself for all this? I mean I m guilty too I changed
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I agree and support you. Please consider individual counseling to work on your healing process, since this is a tough situation and you cannot afford getting and feeling worse.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No, blaming is destructive, it never helps.

Customer: Is it common our problem? Do u know many couples facing same problems ?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What each of you need is to take full responsibility for your own feelings, choices and actions, in that way you would be respectful and assertive addressing all the issues an challenges involved.

Customer: I need an individual counselling as well?
Customer: I put a lot of blame to him to be fair,..I shouldn't have done it.but I was so angry today
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Unhappily problems around first child, specially if not planned are very frequent, and that's why professional and family support are very important

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Yes, you need to make sure you take good care of your mental, emotional and physical health, since your baby depends on that.

Customer: And I am wondering if he stays with me because of alex
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You will know from his actions in time what is it that keeps him there

Customer: But he would have left me if he didn't love me ?
Customer: How long should I give to this relationship
Customer: How long will it take for a change
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That could be true, but it could be because of your situation, the baby, or other factors, only if you truly happened to know him well you would know. this is why it is necessary to be patient ad see how things evolve.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I would say at least 6 months.

Customer: Long time
Customer: Well I will try to do my best
Customer: And be positive
Customer: Thanks for ur help
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I support you. Let me suggest a couple of books that may help you.

Customer: Thanks
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts

Love Is Never Enough: How Couples Can Overcome Misunderstandings, Resolve Conflicts, and Solve Relationship Problems Through Cognitive Therapy

Couple Skills: Making Your Relationship Work

Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can--and Should--be Saved

Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welocme.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.

You can contact me using this direct link to my profile, you could bookmark it for easy access, and just make sure you state "For Rafael only" in your request, for other experts to know you want me to reply, and I will respond in less than an hour most of the time.

Customer: Bye
Rafael M.T.Therapist :


Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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