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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hi there, ive been seeing a girl for 3 months, weve been

Customer Question

Hi there, i've been seeing a girl for 3 months, we've been super soppy and having a fantastic time then all of a sudden she went quiet and said we need to calm down and take it slower, she then a few weeks later sent a massive text apologising saying she's putting 100% into us, she has been super stressed finishing her masters but things were going really well, the sex was amazing we can't keep our hands off each other then last night she out of nowhere said she see's me as a best friend and she can't work out why she can't take the next step and make us official. So it's essentially ended but she's saying she can't not have me in her life and i've been her best friend and her lover for 3 months. I don't know if this is code for her having been seeing someone else, or if she's freaking out because like me she's a commitment phobe, we've been a couple for about 2 months without the label and out of nowhere this comes...I really need advice, she want's to meet for coffee tomorrow, what do i say, do i risk losing everything but saying she's just freaking out or do i go cold and perhaps make her realise what she's going to be missing? what i can't work out is why the sudden change, she swears on her life there's no other guy and that her heads f**ked up and i got the "you deserve a girl who's head isn't messed up" so i need advice from an outside perspective
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I'm very sorry to know about this very frustrating, distressing and perhaps overwhelming situation.

JACUSTOMER-tnr1c8n9- :

Thanks

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. Thank you for being here. Could you please confirm that you started your relationship 3 months ago, ad that there was not a previous period of time where you shared as friends or known each other in other areas?

JACUSTOMER-tnr1c8n9- :

Nope, we had our first date on Feb 15th and prior to that spoke via whatsapp for about a week and she suggested a date

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, then it started very fast and you did not know anything about her before it, for you to better understand the issues that could impact your relationship at that time or in the future.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

her sudden change is truly shocking

JACUSTOMER-tnr1c8n9- :

Yeah, it's odd because about a month ago she said she wanted to slow it down because the idea of a relationship freaked her out, then we had a mini fall out one night about a week after and she came back with a massive text about how she was putting 100% effort into us

JACUSTOMER-tnr1c8n9- :

I was with her this Sunday and we were all over each other, i went to leave on train and she ran and pulled me back and demanded one more kiss before i left, and that was only on Sunday

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Since as you said, it could easily imply either option, it'd mostly depends o how honest and respectful this person happens to be. No way to know for sure. It is true that people with serious anxiety problems around attachment and commitment could react in these ways, but there is no way to know if that's her case, only you could grasp some of it based on the brief period of time you were sharing, as long as she happened to be hpnest towards you.

JACUSTOMER-tnr1c8n9- :

She said she was with her friend last night and she asked her "so when are you and mike making it official" and she said she freaked out and said she didn't know she wanted that, that's when she phoned and said she saw me as a best friend. \

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. have you shared with your friends/families during these 3 months ?

JACUSTOMER-tnr1c8n9- :

As in have they met her?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right. Did you go, met and shared at places where she uses to go, work, where she lives, or were you more isolated and apart from her real life?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Now that she says she sees and wants you as her best friend from now on, does that mean she expects to keep sharing with you as friends only; and how do you feel about that?

JACUSTOMER-tnr1c8n9- :

We've been out for drinks, i met her brother on Sunday and got along really well, i was actually surprised how cosy she was with me despite her brother being there in all honesty...she doesn't work, she just finished her masters this week so full time student, but i also featured in her portfolio as a model as she's an engineer! She has met one of my friends, but most live in other cities right now. My parents as well live in France so she's not had a chance to meet them

JACUSTOMER-tnr1c8n9- :

That's what i don't know, i don't know if she want's me in her life or if she just wants to cut me out now as it's easier, she said "You've been my rock i can't imagine not having you around"...A small part of me thinks she's maybe freaking out about the commitment, but i can't work out if it's just an excuse and there's maybe someone else or something like an ex

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Obviously this is nor healthy behavior at all, show immaturity, lack of emotional stability, anxiety and possibly other problems affecting her mood and personality too.

JACUSTOMER-tnr1c8n9- :

See now you've said that...she has a coil in her arm as birth control that ran out 2 months about

JACUSTOMER-tnr1c8n9- :

ago*

JACUSTOMER-tnr1c8n9- :

So she's started getting periods again etc

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right, and that's why you need to be very open, honest and direct towards her, not pushing her but making it clear what you need and expect, and what you are willing to afford from now on based on her decisions, feelings and boundaries.

JACUSTOMER-tnr1c8n9- :

I'm not really certain how, i don't want to send her soppy messages as i think that's a turn off, we've not spoken today and last night it was hard to work out what she wanted, me i her life or not in it

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. Let's hope she chooses to be honest and real. I am not suggesting you to do this my text or email, but when you meet each other.

JACUSTOMER-tnr1c8n9- :

worth noting that last tuesday she sent me a message saying "I love how when you kiss me i feel like i'm on another planet" it's just such a change around

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That would be your chance no to push her, but to dialogue about these concerns and decide what you want to do about it.t

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You bet, that's why you cannot afford trusting and attaching to a person who presents this pattern of behavior, or you would suffer a lot more.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Counseling seems necessary for her to work on her personal issues undermining he role she plays in relationships and how she takes care of her life, but unless she chooses to get professional support and commits to it, no significant change would happen.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

JACUSTOMER-tnr1c8n9- :

she also said she's still extremely attracted to me, which is why i can't get my head around seeing me as a best friend. When i see her i was going to say "what we have had for the last 3 months isn't something best friends share, the passion and intensity far exceeds this, last sunday you pulled me off my train for one last kiss and last week you listed all the things you loved about me, we've essentially been a couple for 2 months without the label of boyfriend and girlfriend, so what's the difference? All i can say is your potentially walking away from something that you yourself stated was amazing and i was your ideal guy. I'll be here for you, i can't just chop you out my life like that and i'd hope your the same, but i won't be here forever"

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That makes perfect sense, and let's hope she could be real and honest towards you too. Based on her words and concrete actions you would better know about her honesty and feelings.

JACUSTOMER-tnr1c8n9- :

It's just so weird. i don't let many people in like i did her and she knows that, i can't work out if it's just a classic girl thing to say when they've decided they're not interested, but then why last week and sunday so sentimental to me

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right, and that's why I said it seems obvious to me that because of her own words about herself and her behaviors, counseling seems necessary for her to work on her personal issues causing this painful situation.

JACUSTOMER-tnr1c8n9- :

I doubt she'd go down that route, she has neither the time or the money. if it's a freak out, she's risking losing something she said she wants, why do that, doesn't make sense.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Yes, it does not make sense unless you consider her having serious mental health and personality problems affecting her at those levels.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I suggest you to be truthful, honest, direct and clear towards her, respectful, gentle and supportive too, clear about what you really want and are willing to afford from now on, so you could take good care of yourself, and avoid further suffering in case she chooses to perpetuate this pattern.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Are yous till here?

JACUSTOMER-tnr1c8n9- :

Hi there sorry had to answer door

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No problem.

JACUSTOMER-tnr1c8n9- :

i just need a definitive answer, it's odd to move to polar opposites of a relationship so quickly and i need to know the real reason as to why

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You need to come to terms with the fact that only this person knows the real reason, and if she does choose not to be honest, there is no way to know for sure, but you still need to take good care of yourself.

JACUSTOMER-tnr1c8n9- :

yeah, that's very true

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then please focus on what you can and should control, and if this person chooses to be respectful, honest and share with you at a mature and acceptable level, being reciprocal, perfect, otherwise please be clear and mindful about what you truly can and want to afford from now on.

JACUSTOMER-tnr1c8n9- :

yeah i know, losing someone who's come in and had such an effect on your life just takes a bit of time to get over, it's the little things that are getting me down, not seeing her flat again, not spending lazy sundays watching boring tv and making bad food and waking up hugging etc

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right! It is sad, frustrating and upsetting, but you cannot depend on a person who could get rid of you that easily, it could never be healthy nor hep you but undermine youe very mental health.

JACUSTOMER-tnr1c8n9- :

yeah i know

JACUSTOMER-tnr1c8n9- :

it's just frustrating to lose something over something potentially so silly, if she's scared she's blowing it, she moves back here soon as well

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right, and because it seems silly, but is happening, it is very serious, since this is not normal, and you do not want to afford getting more wounded and then depressed.

JACUSTOMER-tnr1c8n9- :

yeah, very true. i should be looking long term and this could be worse if she's like this now and we went on

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If she happens to be honest, her behavior could show she has serious anxiety and/or personality problems related to avoidance, attachment and commitment, and if that is the case, you can be sure these issues would not just go away but would remain, and get worse with time unless she gets necessary long term therapy. If she does not have these issues but has other serious problems and has not been honest towards you, it would be very serious too. Either way you still need to take good care of yourself.

JACUSTOMER-tnr1c8n9- :

actually Re-reading the messages i think it's clear that she doesn't want to be friends.."You always made me happy babe - iv never been unhappy. please know none of this is you. maybe i'm a commitment phobe, maybe this is the wrong time for me..and quite honestly i'm stuggling to cope with all the changes"

JACUSTOMER-tnr1c8n9- :

"the idea of not speaking to you is going to hurt the most i don't want you to vanish from my life but thats very selfish of me"

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

She acknowledges she has problems, but shows poor insight about them, and takes no actions to work on making changes, but you need to take good care of yourself anyway

JACUSTOMER-tnr1c8n9- :

yeah, it's hard to read into these

JACUSTOMER-tnr1c8n9- :

don't know what she actually wants, i suppose i'll have to see if she still wants ot meet in person or not

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please carefully assess what you truly can and want to afford from now on, so you would not expose to further pain, from being neglected or manipulated.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Do you have any other question that I may help you with?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I'd suggest you to consider reading this book:

Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You http://www.amazon.co.uk/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1394239914&sr=8-1&keywords=Getting+Past+Your+Breakup%3A+How+to+Turn+a+Devastating+Loss+into+the+Best+Thing+That+Ever+Happened+to+You

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.

You can contact me using this direct link to my profile http://www.justanswer.com/relationship/expert-rafael-morales-toia/, you could bookmark it for easy access, and just make sure you state "For Rafael only" in your request, for other experts to know you want me to reply, and I will respond in less than an hour most of the time.


Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please remember that when you do receive helpful support but not positively rate, the website keeps your payment but does not give credit to the expert who provided support. If there is any way I coudl support you further, please just let me know Thanks.

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