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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5776
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Hi, Im in a very complicated situation with a girl and am

Resolved Question:

Hi, I'm in a very complicated situation with a girl and am looking for advice. I met this girl at work in September 2013. She is from the USA and is over in the UK for a year. She is 25 and I am 21. We've had a very very close relationship over this time, we've kissed on 3 different occasions (although not since December). We talk and flirt almost daily and have done since we met. Last week I decided to come clean and I told her my feelings and she responded by saying she is attracted to me, but that we are at different points in our lives for example, she is going home in September and I am just beginning to go travelling in the new year (Australia). She said she doesn't want to date just now because of this because she feels it would end in disaster, which makes me believe that she wants to do it right and sounds promising? And she says that when we are apart it will be telling about how much we talk and how close we remain for our future chances.
She told me that she wants me to be a big part in her life and once she did even mention that I am the type of guy that she could see herself settling with, also sounds promising. She said that if anything were to happen it would be in the future...she is meant to be coming to Australia in September (2015) for a few months and she knows that I would be keen to go to America to live for a while after this and we would take things from there. For the remaining months she is in the uk she just wants to hang out as friends and just look to the future.
How do you assess this very very complicated situation? I really really like this girl and I want to honour what she says, I get excited at the prospect with a future with her although at the same time it's very far off and I'm scared the timescale may affect my chances or if in fact she meets another guy before I get my future 'shot' with her. What should I do?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 2 years ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like this girl has considered a long term relationship with you but may be fearful that if she agrees to it now, she would feel disappointed and sad if it didn't work out. And she may want to avoid the pain of having to end things totally if it didn't work out for the two of you.

As a result, she seems to have considered her options and feels that taking your time to develop your relationship further while you are both separated is the best way to not only continue your relationship, but to see how it works while you are apart. That is actually a good idea. It allows you both to see if indeed your relationship does continue and gets stronger while you are both in different places far from each other. This will also be a good test to see if the relationship is strong enough to have a future.

While you are still together, try working out how often you both want contact with each other and how. Are phone calls the best way to connect or is Skype a better option? Are letters/cards good or do you both prefer texting? And do you both find once a week good or are several short calls a week better? Working out those things face to face will help you avoid trying to work it out while you are miles apart.

Also, consider visits. Who visits whom and when? A general idea of how often you each expect contact can help avoid hurt feelings and continue your relationship with realistic expectations.

Here are some resources to help you both:

201 Great Discussion Questions For Couples In Long Distance Relationships by Lisa McKay and Michael Wolfe

3 Deadly Mistakes Men Must Avoid In Long Distance Relationships by Livius Besski

The Long-Distance Relationship Survival Guide by XXXXX XXXXX and Kate Brauer-Bell

I hope this has helped you,
Kate








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TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5776
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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