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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hi have been split from my girlfriemd for 4 weeks wanted to

Resolved Question:

Hi have been split from my girlfriemd for 4 weeks wanted to know if we're going together back together
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 3 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about your sad and distressful situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please clarify your question and provide more information about in order to better understand your situation?

Customer: Yes hello
Customer: I split 4 weeks ago rom my girlfriend she walked away from me
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Are you looking for "psychic" advice, for somebody to guess about your future?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. For how long were you dating and why she ended the relationship?

Customer: Looking for someone to tell me on the info I give if there's a chance please
Customer: We have been together for 4 1/2 years
Customer: She has bipolar and takes tablets for this
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You only said that 4 weeks ago your girlfriend ended your relationship. Did you type anything more about it?

Customer: From day one she has always told me how she feels about me and it's always been positive
Customer: No
Customer: We had been together 4 1/2 years
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. Has she been stable with her medication and has has regular psychotherapy?

Customer: She sees a councillor once a week but she had been drinking a bottle of wine nightly for the last couple of yeras
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You men for the 4.5 you have been together you had no serious issues, that the relationship was good and then she suddenly ended it 4.5 ago without any good reason?

Customer: We had split 4 times due to pressure of her constantly bringing up the past, never seemed to be wrong, and wouldn't be vey good at multi tasking for example if she had to cut the grass one night she would tell me not to come up
Customer: Also her drinking made me walk once
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see! I am sorry to know that this person suffers of these very serious chronic disorders. Alcoholism and bipolar disorders are by themselves tough mental disorders, and together make a person's life truly dysfunctional. Then she has not been working on her rehabilitation process but actively deepening her addiction, sabotaging her chances for any real improvement.

Customer: She is very insecure and lacks confidence and self esteem
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I believe you, since these are common issues behind bipolar disorder and addictions like this.

Customer: She has always told me she loves me cares for me and said I am her soulmate and her forever right upto her leaving also she always used to say regular do not leave me
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If she has been getting counseling on a weekly basis while abusing drugs for bipolar and actively deepening her alcoholism, it's obvious to me that she has ben damaging even more her mental and physical health when combining these drugs, and that cousneling has not helped bu enabled her self-destructive pattern.

Customer: She befriended my ex friend last year when we split and has wanted to keep in touch even though he has texted her sexual messages told her he wants to be with her and made it clear he fancies her the thing is she would tell me all this but carry on replying regardless of how upset. I was this soon turned to anger
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's very sad, since when a person is unable and unwilling to even respect herself, and work on her own rehabilitation, instead of self-harming that much, it is impossible for her to offer any consistent and significant healthy respect, affection, support and partnership to others.

Customer: Absolutly no chance of any attraction whatsoever he started hanging round her street and house knocking on her door she said it made her feel uncomfortable
Customer: She has issues with saying no this is evident in all the things she does she would help people where others would see they were putting themselves in danger
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's very serious and concerning, since it shows how her emotional, sexual and romantic behaviors are also deeply undermined by these serious disorders and the life style she fueles.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right, then very serious codependency, as another core addiction affecting her life, with several self-destructive behaviors.

Customer: She has told me when we split she loved me and week before said I was her soul mate I have always given her everything I can holidays flowers presents saying I love her and wanting to see her but it never seem enough
Customer: Yes if we had a good few days she would almost destroy it as though she couldn't handle the fact things were going so good
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry but it seems her situation would not deeply improve but get worse as long as she perpetuates this dysfunctional an destructive pattern.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

, specially one with these serious disorders and dysfunctions, could be the worse approach, which would enable further neglect, abuse, manipulation and neglect, against herself and other people around her. Giving everything to anybody

Customer: She told me last night there isn't a minute goes by without thinking what if or if only
Customer: She tends to believe and want to protect a stranger but ignores the one closeset to her is that normal
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I meant: : Giving everything to somebody, specially one with these serious disorders and dysfunctions, could be the worse approach, which would enable further neglect, abuse, manipulation and neglect, against herself and other people around her.

Customer: You mean the more you give is never enough
Customer: She needs full on attention romance and love or she gets very insecure, so can't win either way
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, that's very concerning, and I am afraid that she would continue hurting the lives of those around her, while continue self-sabotaging, deepening her destructiveness and disorders. She could easily have besides of bipolar disorder and alcoholism, personality disorders too, because of the severity and range of dysfunction you describe.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Yes, I think that unconditionally giving everything to a person with these serous problems and disorders, would be very counterproductive, causing muro harm, deepening and enabling worse dysfunctions.

Customer: She had a very bad upbringing where her mum didn't want to know her she had anorexicar at 17 and her mum wouldn't been seen in public with her. When she was well that was fine she has always said its a I ag
Customer: Image thing
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I strongly suggest you to work on yourself around eradicating every codependency trait that may have been undermining your ability to take good care of yourself and to play a healthier role in this person's life.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's very sad, but perfectly matches the dysfunctional and painful life she has built around herself.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I also suggest you to join a codependency support group, and if possible to consider individual counseling to work on yourself, on your own healing, and to eb able to effectively cope with this tough reality.

Customer: I believe she has attention seeking disorder she just says its because she wants to help people most of her friend 4 out of 5 who text her are men I have seen messages sent to her for months saying thinking of you can't get you out of my head morning sexy all the time. These guys I know and trust me there nothing to look at yet she is gorgeous but suffers from body dismorpher and thinks she's ugly has 0 self esteem and confidence it's almost like she needs a boost
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's very concerning, that other disorder is overwhelming, and with the other conditions make her situation almost hopeless, unless she chooses to truly work on her rehabilitation process, with intensive treatment, including individual, family and group sessions, obviously inpatient treatment, followed by an aftercare program and intensive outpatient, plus a healthy support system and life style. This is not common to happen.

Customer: My question is this after being away from me for a while will she miss me, I took her away every month, bought her flowers every couple of weeks cuddles kisses always would go to hers she used to say how much she fancied me, she is a very sensitive person and doesn't like change she is 40 and I am the second person she has every slept with her first husband used to hit her and talk to her like rubbish never did anything for her or took her anywhere
Customer: Always saying don't leave me, I'm not good enough for you and you could do better
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

She should need to find a "dual-diagnosis" intensive impaient program to get all the necessary medical and psychological treatment she requires.

Customer: With the conditions would she come back the last 6 months this so called friend has been causing problems to the point it split it up us she has said after that she didn't do anything at all and was just trying to be nice to everyone even though he was sending her love messages and making it clear he wanted her for months
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then please do get individual counseling in order to work on taking good care of yourself and from there on how to effectively support her, if you feel that's what you want and can afford, being very aware of the obvious and significant limitations and issues you would continue to face in this situation, which include several chronic and severe disorders/addictions.

Customer: There not together and she is single still
Customer: I am using a councillor at the moment to get my head around things
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I truly hope she chooses to start working on her rehabilitation processes with all the necessary treatments, professional and personal support, committing to it, otherwise her reality would only get worse with time.

Customer: I need to know how someone Who fits that profile few friends sensitive gets lonely would she come back all I have done is shout at her that's all nothing else because it got beyond a joke and was ruining our relationship
Customer: I think she is taking 15 mg of diazepam to withdraw her from the alchol
Customer: The thing that hurts are we are not together
Customer: And I didn't do anything really wrong in the relationship other that shout
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

As I have explained before, I do not believe a person presenting all these serious disorders and issues could get any significantly better but would get worse, unless she chooses to work on her rehabilitation process, through intensive treatment involving different professionals and a healthy support system.

Customer: With her constantly allowing guys to talk to her how they felt
Customer: She has told me she wishes me luck and wants me to be happy
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I truly hope you take good care f yourself, since you are the only person you can control and need and deserve to be and feel stable, happy and fulfilled.

Customer: I have told her my door is always open and that I have to cut contact with her has I have been emailing daily for last 3 weeks would this be a better approach give her time to,explore herself and have time on her own?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right, I do not believe that you perpetuating this intensive communication into present circumstances could help, but would only codependenty enable further dysfunction. I am afraid, sooner or later, she would try to push or manipulate you to perpetuate your attachment, what would obviously undermine her personal situation and your well-being even more.

Customer: ? So could you simplify that please
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

She would only get any better if she starts doing the many things she needs to do around starting and committing to her rehabilitation process, otherwise she would get worse, and your role should be of not enabling or fueling her disorders and dysfunctions even more while taking good care of yourself.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Based on what you have described here, I do not see how you could better support her but by setting clear and consistent boundaries between you, stopping communication, focusing on your own healing process and allowing her to do the same is eh chooses to do that.

Customer: So cut contact then?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right

Customer: Do you think with her having behaviour seeking disorder she would get back in touch I've always been ok to her and last 2 weeks I have sent her some supportive ones
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not know any disorder with that name, it could be that you mean a pervasive symptom/behavior, for example present in people with histrionic personality disorder in specific ways, and in different fashion in those with codependency, borderline, dependent personality disorder or others.

Customer: Sorry attention seeking disorder
Customer: I have been nothing but nice there is no one else on the scene and she hasn't been on her own for a long time
Customer: And I know she loved me I was her soulmate and her forever I know the shouting over this subject split us up
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Many people who have a personality disorder, also have other comorbid personality disorders or present multiple traits of other personality disorders, which are understood to be pervasive and chronic mental hath disorders, which get much tougher because of her bipolar and dysmorphic disorder, plus other addictions as alcoholism. Thus is is a very sad, and complex situation,

Customer: So before I go the best way to have any chance of her getting to message me back would be to ignore her
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You need to choose if what you want is to perpetuate and fuel this dysfunctional reality where both of you would get even worse, or to start taking good care of yourself, without interfering in her own process, and she is the only one with the power, right and responsibility to do that. if she chooses to do that, then perhaps if both want it and feel like that in the future, you could have a chance, otherwise it would not work but become more destructive.

Customer: So without therapists and treatment you think she will be like is with anyone else ?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The first approach means separated paths, no further communication. The second approach means anything but setting and keeping clear boundaries between you, and deepening your present reality.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No, without adequate and competent support, and intensive and long term treatment, I do not believe she would be like this, but would only get much worse with time.

Customer: Deepening my present reality?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please focus on what depends on you with necessary support from a competent therapist.

Customer: That makes me fell a little better
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right, this reality where you are suffering even more. Please commit to your own healing process.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I need to leave now since have a session with one of my clients.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please take gentle care and consistent action.

Customer: I have noticed since meeting her my anxiety levels have been there constantly and have just been prescribed diazapm
Customer: And antidepressants I was drug free when I met her just had crisis team in too
Customer: Was a sain many when I came into it she was super bubbly butt that
Customer: Was rob ably the bipolar
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know that, but it makes sense, and I would never suggest anybody to use any drugs, for any problem lie that, even when I know many or most professionals would love to put and keep you on drugs as long as possible, since that's how they make money, get an easy symptomatic fixing, without having to do much about providing real support.

Customer: Have you any suggestions
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I truly hope you choose to take good care of yourself to be healthy and build a fulfilling reality.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Consistent individual and group psychotherapy, with competent professionals, followed by consistent work and actions in your daily life, for you to build this healthy and fulfilling reality.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you again for your trust. Sorry that I cannot continue beyond the 70 minutes we have been in this chat, since have to meet this client.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Take gentle care.

Customer: Ok thank you
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome.

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