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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5802
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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I have an amazing girlfriend and In the past I have caused

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I have an amazing girlfriend and In the past I have caused so much hurt to her, lied to her and took her for granted, I promised her i would stop yet I have since then broke that promise along with others, sometimes I don't even feel like I try to do or cause her hurt yet I still somehow do! How can I start to work on fixing this , considering she's on the edge go leaving me? Please help
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 2 years ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

Sometimes when we get into relationships, we don't realize how much of our past issues we bring with us. And often, those past issues end up hurting our relationship. It sounds like that is what is going on in your relationship. Hurting your girlfriend without knowing why might be because of behavior you learned in the past.

In order to find out why you treat your girlfriend as you do and how to fix it, you might need to approach in different ways. Start by asking your doctor for a referral to see a therapist. A therapist can help you look into why you treat your girlfriend as you do and how to address it. And seeing a therapist will help your girlfriend see that you are taking these issues seriously and may even encourage her to stay with you.

You also can work on these problems with your girlfriend in order to help her stay with you. Talk about ways you can communicate with each other without it escalating into her feeling hurt. For example, try the technique of letting each person have their time to say what they feel for at least a minute or two. Then the other person repeats back in their own words what they heard then adds their own thoughts. This can help you both be heard by the other person and work out your issues in a more productive way.

Also, apologize for what you did to her and make sure to tell her how you will address it from now on. Therapy, self help and support are all ways to work on your issues. If she sees you taking action to deal with this, she might be willing to stay.

Find out what she needs right now. Talk to her about ways she can let you know what you are saying hurts her. If she tells you, then stop and back off. Isolate yourself if you have to until you can approach her again and be kind to her. And work on being honest. If you find that you told a lie, apologize immediately and promise to continue to work on it.

Here are resources that can help you:

Tell Me No Lies by Ellyn Bader Ph.D., Peter T. Pearson Ph.D. and Judith D. Schwartz

Couple Skills: Making Your Relationship Work by Matthew McKay PhD, Patrick Fanning and Kim Paleg PhD

Communication Miracles for Couples: Easy and Effective Tools to Create More Love and Less Conflict by Jonathan Robinson

I hope this has helped you,

Kate








May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5802
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
TherapistMaryAnn and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you for you time to answer my question, this has been going on for about a year and a half, we have tried many things together, yet it's still me that always seems to mess up! Without even feeling like I try to do such a thing. I have been to previous counsellors on my own and that didn't help, we're just going round in circles and it needs to stop, I love the girl and I cannot loose her, but I also can't keep causing this for her without me even trying to.. I'm just lost
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate, Thank you for you time to answer my question, this has been going on for about a year and a half, we have tried many things together, yet it's still me that always seems to mess up! Without even feeling like I try to do such a thing. I have been to previous counsellors on my own and that didn't help, we're just going round in circles and it needs to stop, I love the girl and I cannot loose her, but I also can't keep causing this for her without me even trying to.. I'm just lost
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 2 years ago.
You're welcome!

It may be that you didn't have the right therapist. Sometimes finding the right therapist is like finding the right doctor, you have to see a few before you can connect with the right one. Your doctor may be able to help you find that person.

It sounds like you and your girlfriend have tried this on your own and may need outside help. If you have a neutral person such as a pastor or a therapist that you can turn to, that could help as well. Don't try a friend or family member since they often side with one or the other person, often without knowing it. Someone who is neutral needs to look at what is going on between you both and help you see what the problem is so you can both work on it. Most of all, try not to lose hope. As long as you care enough to keep working on this, you will find the answer.

Kate
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate, the problem we have is she has lost all trust all belief and all hope in me, she tells me my words mean nothing and gets very angry which is deserved! I don't want to hurt her yet it's still going on. I suppose I can try my doctor but I just wondered if there's anything else before that, I could try, we've spoke and she's told me exactly what she wants from me in order for us to work yet because there's so much past and memories of me doing wrong it still comes across to her like I'm still making them mistakes but then I don't feel like I am, Thanks Kate
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 2 years ago.
You're welcome.

It definitely sounds like therapy may be the way to deal with your relationship. If there are past issues and memories that you both are trying to deal with plus current problems, that may take some work and help to resolve. You can start with self help (the resources we talked about in the first post) and support from someone like a pastor, but ultimately you are probably going to need professional assistance in order to work this through.

My best to you both,
Kate
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate, thank you! I will give it a try, you have been a big help!
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 2 years ago.
You're very welcome! Anytime :)

Kate

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