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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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I met a guy online 2.5 years ago, we spoke for 6 months as

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I met a guy online 2.5 years ago, we spoke for 6 months as friends before face to face meet. I was after a relationship and he was looking for friendship and made it clear he was happy without a woman so when I met him I knew that he would only be a friend to me. When we first saw each other in the flesh we were attracted to eachother and he decided that he would like to be more than just friends, I had to get my head around this and didn't know if I could trust him, I am slightly insecure from past relationships and he was so sure before that he only was after friends. In our early days I used to work 2 weekends a month and I had most of the others free although I do have a child from a previous relationship. He also has a child who he sees at weekends and when I suggested that we do things to get to know each other he was always busy but could only see me one evening. I accepted this and used to go and see him when I could but I wanted to spend some more time occasionally with him and suggested that perhaps sometimes we could spend extended time together if he could reschedule he's time with he's daughter maybe? He stated that he only gets to see her at the weekends where I get to see mine during the week, so he wasn't prepared to change that sometimes. He sees her Thursday until Sunday evening. I even suggested that we go out and do things sometimes with our children who are the same age as he is allowed friends, incase he was worried he's ex would find out about 'daddy's friend' but he didn't want that. Seeing me during the week was hard as I have my child and nobody to look after her during that time, we both work anyway and live an hour apart so it wasn't really practical. I have got increasingly more insecure as I have a guy who tells me the most amazing things that make me feel special but he doesn't prove what he says and we hardly ever see eachother. I often think that he might have another woman due to he's lack of interest in making time for me. If he had done that though I eventually would have introduced him into my weekday life and my daughter I just wanted to see that he's feelings for me aren't just words. I have never been introduced to he's friends or family and he says the reason he keeps me at arms length is because of the way I am accusing him and being resentful about him spending time with he's daughter and not me. We used to see each other once a month and I need to see him more to get to know him properly. He says he loves me and I love him to but he's lack of actions makes me feel inadequate as a woman and I am always questioning myself and comparing myself to he's last girlfriend who is the mother of he's daughter, he says that she always accused him of things he didn't do. I have only come to the conclusion of other women due to he's lack of interest in me. He has never asked me to be he's girlfriend. We have never spent more than a night or on seperate occasions a day together and I am so unhappy as I don't think this is normal. The only thing I can compare my feelings about this situation to is when I was grieving the sudden death of my mother. so many questions I have that I don't understand, and I know he can have relationships as he was with hes ex for 8 years. I don't want to think about how much more special she was to him as it kills me but what is wrong with me? There are no photos of us together only an occasional few hours in eachothers company and a text relationship. When he was with get she met he's family and there were photos. I don't think I am asking to much and I'm certainly expecting him to see less of he's child but he could make more of am effort with me after all he was the one who decided he wanted me even though I thought we would just be friends. I feel as though he tells me what I want to hear just to keep me around and perhaps there someone out there who wants the same as me and willing to give and take as I would have been. This whole situation is breaking my heart and I am not sure I can carry on with it anymore or if I can forgive the past, if he decided to change. Please help. Sc
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 3 years ago.
Hello. I'm sorry this situation is confusing. I think that what happened was, he met you and was attracted to you sexually, but still maybe did not want a relationship where he was responsible for his own part of it. He obviously is not needing or wanting to put more time into this as he is or else he would find a way to do it. I'm afraid it sounds as though he doesn't want more than what is happening already.
Once a month is hardly a relationship and if he is keeping you at a distance from his family because of you accusing him of things and he also said his ex was accusing him of things...maybe there is a pattern here which he may or may not be aware of.
He is doing whatever he wants to do and is not showing any interest at making an effort to change things or to take a 50/50 responsibility role that a committed relationship requires.
I don't think there is anything wrong with you. You may be insecure and have some issues there, but I don't believe that is the issue with this problem. A man who only sees his girlfriend once a month and makes no other effort to change this, is the problem.
At this point, I think you need to consider the original situation of only being friends with him of you can even do that after all of this you have been through.
While the issue of you comparing yourself to his ex and all of that, I do believe that in itself is a separate problem of insecurity which you should want to work on as a person, but as I said... he is not doing his part and therefore, this is not all on you to "fix".
Consider your current situation and the fact that it looks as though it isn't going to change any time soon. Based on that, make your decision on what to do next. Put the solution on his shoulders and see how he handles it and what he does with that responsibility.
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