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DrJackiePhD
DrJackiePhD, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 360
Experience:  I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.
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Good afternoon. Im having some issues with an ex Id like

Resolved Question:

Good afternoon. I'm having some issues with an ex I'd like some help with. My ex finished with me almost 2 years ago but I had been with him for 3 and a half years previous to that. When we broke up my ex gave the usual line of wanting to be friends but I said no for my own healing we were to have no contact. Up until last month there was no contact until out of the blue he contacted me just saying hello, I replied because I had deleted the number and didn't know who it was. My ex started saying he should have contacted me a while ago but didn't know how and that he just want to make sure I was doing ok. I am very confused over the situation, he has a girlfriend but hasn't mentioned her at all even though he has had plenty of occasions to mention her. I am also confused as to his motive for suddenly talking to me again. He has expressed no interest I'm wanting to meet up again but has kept up almost daily contact via text with me over the last month. I am getting myself so stressed out over the situation, I have never managed to move on from my ex despite managing the no contact for 2 years and now I really need some advice because it is beginning to effect my emotions again. Thank you
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 2 years ago.
DrJackiePhD :

Hi, I'm Dr. Jackie

DrJackiePhD :

Are you there?

DrJackiePhD :

I'm wondering how you know about the girlfriend.

DrJackiePhD :

Hello?

Customer: Hi I know because I have found out through social media sites and my mum saw my ex and the other girl walking through town holding hands only last weekend
DrJackiePhD :

Oh, OK.

DrJackiePhD :

I'm also wondering about his motives. It sounds like his intentions at least partially, are selfish in terms of "fishing" to see if you have a boyfriend, have moved on, etc. I'm sure he does sincerely ***** ***** want you to be OK. But I do not see how it's appropriate for him to contact you after all this time, ESPECIALLY when he has a girlfriend.

DrJackiePhD :

Especially since you say you have not moved on, you are putting yourself at risk for more unhappiness and definitely UNHEALTHINESS by communicating with him.

Customer: Yes he has on numerous occasions tried fishing to see if I have a partner but I have been trying to keep my replies to a bare minimum. I am trying as hard as possible not to reply to his texts but it's hard because it feels like having to say goodbye to him again
DrJackiePhD :

You need to block his texts/his number. Do not worry about hurting his feelings. I do not read where you indicate what you are saying to him. But his texting you is HURTING you and causing you DISTRESS.

DrJackiePhD :

Yes. That is why as hard as it is, you need to block him. You need to take care of YOU. Do not worry about hurting his feelings--he has a girlfriend, for goodness sake. He evidently has moved on. So take care of YOU. Block him.

DrJackiePhD :

If you feel you need to be polite, send him a text saying you don't think it's a good idea to communicate any more and that you are blocking him. You can even wish him well. But you need to avoid the temptation of allowing him to daily text you. It hurts you!!!

Customer: Yes that's true. Also on the few days he hasn't text me I spend my day moping and waiting for him to message me. The worst thing is I know deep down what I need to do but it's actually doing it that is going to hurt
DrJackiePhD :

I have been doing this long enough that I can say for sure that the longer you stay in the "what if" mode, you can NEVER fully recover; and in fact, it's kind of like an addict--you WILL RELAPSE!!!

DrJackiePhD :

The sooner you end it, the better. I know it's hard. And I know it's painful. But it will drag out even longer and cause even MORE PAIN AND EMOTIONAL DAMAGE if you don't block him now!

DrJackiePhD :

One day you will be healed so well that if you see him down the street, it may cause a twinge of pain, but it will be NOTHING compared to what you are feeling now. But you cannot even BEGIN to get onto that path of healing if you are still communicating with him.

Customer: No I know I have to have no contact to heal, I managed 2 years without contact even though to begin with it was very hard I managed it. It just feels like I was just getting my life back on track and them boom he pops up again! I never sake for the contact and I certainly would never have made contact with him again.
DrJackiePhD :

Right. And you need to be proud of how far you have come. You don't want to throw it all away. You know how I alluded to it being a temptation to text him back? A lot of relationship scholars believe that relationships can be an addiction just like alcohol and tobacco and drugs. And every day just like the recovering alcoholic has to fight the urge to pick up a bottle, a "recovering relationship addict" has to fight the urge every day not to contact the ex that s/he is addicted to. I don't mean you are necessarily addicted to him. It may be the relationship or some aspect of the relationship that you may be addicted to.

Customer: Yes I have read in a few different places that a lot of the time you are perhaps more obsessed with the idea of an ex rather than the actual person.
DrJackiePhD :

Yes. So my advice is you need to block him for your own mental/emotional health. And you may need to limit your time with social media, if that is hurting you. Maybe it would only be for awhile, but if you find yourself checking out his web page or the pages of mutual friends who interact with him--that is unhealthy and should also be avoided.

DrJackiePhD, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 360
Experience: I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.
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