I'm happy to help you deal with your husband's midlife crisis and your reaction to it. But please tell me what he has been doing and not doing that is causing you problems. How long have you been married? If you have children, how old are they and where are they in their stages of personality development (like schools, careers and love relationships outside of the family)? How has your husband changed and over how many years? Do you think he is dealing with career aspirations, physical decline, his most cherished goals in life, his relationships, or more than one of these? What goals and desires of yours does his present changing threaten? Do you have goals of your own that don't completely depend on his actions to pursue?
He has announced he wants out of the 18 yr marriage..that he loves me but isn't in love with me. I've found out he had a one night stand when he was out of the country. He was adopted at birth and now has a good relationship with the birth mother that he wants to move and make a new life with them (she lives in another country) he also lost his grandmother who he was very close too a few months back and didn't grieve for. I've only saw him cry once in 24 years. We've no children .. I've didn't work either.
Sorry that is meant to say IVF didn't work for us
He has just changed in the last 6 weeks .. One week after the one night stand
OK. He's experiencing new love feelings (which "put to flight old love" a well known phenomenon since the Middle Ages), and he's destabilized by new love for his birth mother, that's also replacing his mother-feelings for his grandmother. So you are facing a "grass-is greener" situation in his feelings, which he's completely naive about, like most men. Did you ever find out if the infertility issue is stronger for his sperm or your eggs?
I asked if you have any life goals independent of his, and you haven't mentioned anything beyond family issues for either of you, except that you haven't worked. Most decent couples therapists would know that "in love" feelings are aroused only when some new development is happening in your life, like the new green shoots on plants in the Spring. So it can happen between couples, but mainly when one of them changes--typically by growing a new part of him- or herself outside of the relationship (like his new family of origin)--and they have to get to know and love each other all over again.
Our chat has ended, but we've just begun to discuss your situation, and we have a week at least. How long do YOU have before he flies away to try to start his life over? Does he have life goals and ultimate values that motivate him? Or has he been a little lost as an adopted son without a strong bonding with his adoptive parents? If his sperm is defective, then he's going to have the same fertility problem with any other woman.
Your psychological insight is working well for you. But it may be pretty hard to slow down his departure except by hiring a solicitor to get the best divorce settlement you can, since you haven't developed a financial basis for your own support. His new loves are classic for potentially "flash in the pan" brief distractions--after which his long attachment to you may well reassert itself (see "An Unmarried Woman" movie).
I have a meditation to go to, so I'll check back in 3 or 4 hours. I'm nowhere near finished offering advice, so please write about what you have thought about on your end.
Thank you yes I can see all this making sense. He deeply regrets the one night stand and is full of guilt as this is so out of character of him. He hasn't any plans made yet to leave the country .. He is attending a holistic therapist and she told him to do nothing for 6 months. I'm learning to drive at the minute. we work a lot together as we have our own business. He loves boxing and has his own club but he's willing to give all that up. Yes he had no attachment with the adopted parents since he left home at 17. IVF failed then we had 1 attempt at ICSI had 2 eggs but lost them before the pregnancy Test. I have endometroisis (mild) but they put it down to unexplained infertility. We are still in the same house .. I don't know if it is the guilt that he wants out if the marriage as he says he couldn't make love to me after what he has done and tells me he loves me like a friend not a wife. Everyone we know is so shocked that he wants out of the marriage including his birth mother as we do get on well but obviously not everyone knows about the one night stand.
He told me the "spark" is now missing from the relationship and he doesn't think think he will ever get that back.
Yes she is a woman. she seems to be dealing with his past problems the soul searching .. She said he is soul dead and last week brought 6 souls back?? She told him that we shouldn't be still sharing the same house that one of us need to move out.. For about 6 months and personally I think this is the wrong advise. At the minute he just feels as if the marriage is dead and he wants out of it. He said the only way that his love could come back is if he was hypnotised!!
He is frightened and he wants to go back into the womb (of his biomother) and start over. He's given himself over to a witchdoctor/shaman who (I hope she's an old crone and not an attractive sorceress) seems to prefer her recipe for him to undergo a magic process--like a death and rebirth--before he can rejoin the life he led before with no knowledge of WHO he really is (because his family of origin was unknown to him.
But the problem with her approach is that she's using intuitive skills to visualize FOR HIM what he needs to experience, and that means she has taken his discriminating ego, moral judgment and will power away "for the duration" of her treatment episode. A Jungian shamanic approach would make use of HIS OWN DREAMS (and thus HIS OWN IMAGES rather than HER imaginary SOULS, whether they are really dredged up from her mindreading of him or not) and empower him to discover his own forward-driving impulse toward personality development.
I'm aware of a delicate batch of issues here, because on the one hand, his remorse over cheating is a very good sign; but on the other hand his psychic guide seeks way too much power over him, clearly knows far too little about psychodynamics, and yet wants to eliminate the influence of your love and his love for you (which he admits has not gone away).
I've considered instructing you in how to "hypnotize him" from a distance (that is, through psychic influence), because that is both possible (especially if the target person does not WANT to resist it) and morally defensible, since you both have a long-standing love for each other, so you would not be implanting a love that sneaks under his defenses and sabotages his own will.
But this psychic therapist ("holistic" doesn't work as a label for me, except to imply that she uses her own mix of "New Age" methods) would be likely to sense and possibly combat that influence, because it might rival her own efforts to "heal" him. And my own moral sense recoils from psychic wrestling with an occult-leaning self-proclaimed therapist (does she have a UK license to do anything?) over the soul of a man who has not sought my expertise.
So I'd advise you to 1. investigate the credentials of this woman. I've dealt in dream interpretation a few times with women in the UK whose spiritual practices put them on the fringes of society, who don't follow the limiting guidelines of the Christian churches, and use their mindreading skills and esoteric studies and visualizations to "treat" people whose psychological problems are not being approached within the primitive but communal traditions of organized religion, OR the far more intelligently developed traditions of the schools of psychoanalytic, Jungian, neoanalytic or newer, more superficial schools of psychotherapy. Such enthusiastic but lopsidedly undertrained shamans aren't the only therapists that can do more harm than good.
And a second practical advice: If anyone moves out of your house, it needs to be HIM and not you. For he should FEEL the nostalgia (means pain for the nest) for what he's giving up to pursue this woman's program for him. I advise you to remain completely firm on that assertion: If he wants to follow this woman's guidance to "find himself" (even though most of himself is already present in his present container) then it is he who must depart from his nest to carry out this symbolic quest.
Paradoxically, the symbolism of him leaving home, like the thousands of folk tales and filmic hero-quests of yore, could actually HELP him find out sooner that he already knows where he belongs and who he belongs with. And you could suggest that when he wants to return home, the two of you should see a trained and certified Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist for a few sessions to reknit your emotional intimacy together. Those therapists also know a comparatively simple emotional process for concretizing his REMORSE over the one sexual betrayal, so that he can feel the full extent of his guilt and empathy for you, and you can know that he's ready and worthy of your trust again (tho I think you already know that--but he doesn't).
With all this said, I can agree with his guru that he's soul-dead; but that's mainly because it's quite common for both men and women to have completely lost track of the need for a soul-development (or personality development) track in their lives, even if they still have a wishywashy religious affiliation, or a rigid set of beliefs under which they are doing everything it takes to get into heaven when they die.
Among Jung's many great contributions to human psychological development is the discovery that the first half of life is meant for breaking the umbilical chord and "graduating" from the family of origin and then establishing a home and financial base of one's own, and the second half of life is meant for discovering all of what's inside of oneself that has been neglected in favor of the struggle for fullfledged membership in the external world. So one of Jung's popular books was called "Modern Man in Search of His Soul." So your holistic therapist might even preach some truths that come from Jung, and might use Jung's discovery of "active imagination" (and even art therapies) as tools for development of this neglected aspect of a "holistic" personality.
That leads me back to my previous suggestion that developing your own awareness of where your unique life path needs to lead you, through reading and dream interpretation, would help you gain your OWN footing on a life path, so 1. you're not unconsciously depending on your love relationship to be your only or main source of meaningful process and progress in life, and 2. you will have your OWN excitement for new personality development that can inspire your husband to realize that you are not JUST the "helpmeet" that has always been at his side, like Adam's rib, but you are an undiscovered person in your own being who can lead him as well as follow.
It's even possible that you married a man who didn't know where he was coming from because you didn't trust yourself to explore the unknown outer dimensions of your world--you needed him in order to venture forth from your family of origin with enough sense of safety. Now your learning to drive means navigating into your unknown outer world, and your inner world needs to unfold as well. To "spark" his interest, you may need to awaken your own "spark" and that might include entering a safer (than that woman's probably undertrained and unsupervised) form of personality development.
(I'd recommend Jungian analysis with a woman--so you don't risk developing a romanticized feeling connection that could mirror your husband's danger. Jungian analysis is a pretty strong school in UK.) And if you've had any recent dreams, you could send them to me on the Dream Interpretation site here, where I could explore one or two with you to see what they might indicate for your prospects of entering into a phase of your own self development.
In my textbook "Love and Intimate Relationships: Journeys of the Heart" (2000) I cover in six pages (353-358 if you can get the book) what happens when I couple remains static in their union stage or "we-ness" which you may have done in part because you haven't been able to have children that would have forced you into new modes of action and relationship. (I could scan, but I'd have to use "Additional Services" (probably) to get to a venue in which I could upload them to send to you). Doing things separately is not frequent, nor does it lead to development of unique parts of each partner's personality that wouldn't naturally fit into the initial way they function together. The energy in relationship can stagnate and one or both can feel smothered, though they may be unwilling and unable to admit that to themselves. This can happen around the age 30 crisis (as it did for me and my first love), but for you it may have happened around the age 40 (midlife) crisis. (I know I'm guessing here, because I know almost NOTHING about you. But it's worth considering.)
In a book by Bader & Pearson "In quest of the mythical mate: A developmental approach to diagnosis and treatment in couples therapy" (1988) the psychodynamic authors work from the fundamental principle that both partners need to continue their individual growth AFTER they have grown together as a couple for a few years (normally childbirth forces some of that), and that this "differentiation of oneself from one's partner" and from one's expectations that "soulmates" means that we think and feel alike and want all the same things forever can be quite painful at first. That is UNTIL they discover that needing to adjust to your partner's personality development repeatedly over a lifetime of building wider and deeper ramifications of who you are is a fascinating process that rewards disappointment, conflict and difficulty with new love over and over again.
Hi very interesting. I got an appointment with an EFCT my ex said he would go to please me but he said he doesn't see how it would work as the marriage is dead. I'm about to give up on him now and just walk away.
How do I hypnotize him?
What does it mean if the husband is " An incompetent Man "