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David Akiva
David Akiva, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 167
Experience:  MA
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Guy colleague problem

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Ok I have been working with guy for bout a year, we good friends etc, he worked on my section, we built up a great rappor between us and there was a definite chemistry, we both are in relationships, he always treated me differently to other girls in office, even though am bit older than him, by 7 years. Then he got moved to other end of office at first he was very down bout it and missed us all but gets on with it. Now he has somewhat changed to me, below are things he did before moved that made me think he always liked me more than friend.
Call me special nickname, always wanted to pair up with me, or be in my group. On nights out always watch me and say let's go hotel for joke, then back off from it...hug n hug five me lot n touch shoulder, tease me n play jokes on me, compliment me n ask me how I think he looks his clothes, text me sometimes back, call me beautiful night out, buy me birthday present no one else
Ok then he did things suggest didn't like me more than friend below
Won't add me to facebook but does others barely knows, says never have fling anyone at work n always says to me even though I say nothing as knew met my bf there n asks questions bout it, says likes girls his own age, sometimes ignores me for no reason, said once when we argued why wud I be bothered if u like me n put lol after it
So he moved then he kinda went really weird n distant but only with me so I asked him why, he goes really busy but fine with others chatting etc, he still said special friend , well he started ignoring me more so I admit emailed him lot saying annoyed n we had massive argument over text, he norm rings n texts seeing if ok but said bsvk off from emailing n texting text n agreed space needed, I apologised after week n he said wud I be upset if not special mate n always calls me mate too n said wud, he smirked n said u akways be special, now we better again but he won't reply to texts at all , I only sent 2 n rarely talks when my end office as he has to be more careful that end which understand, but now he constantly teases me n says like I will let u come in my new car if u behave or he may not come out Friday as saving but if I behave n carry on being good will, n trys to get my attention all time asking bout me n saying bout himself lot, n stares at me it's weird, my friend says he has always liked me very obvious n don't know how to handle it?? Do u think he does like me or I irratated him or he feels embarrassed by me, as he is different to before but it's like he wants to flirt tease me, impress me even , n says get my bday pressie but don't call me by that name, sorry so long but driving me mad what's his deal?? Please don't say disorder just do I feel likes me, playing me what ? Thanks
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  David Akiva replied 3 years ago.
Duddy :

Welcome! I'm a Professional Counselor, Behavioral Consultant and Relationship Expert. I thought I noticed your not online so I thought I'd answer your question based on the info you provided in your question.

Duddy :

Your friends are right! The fact that you had a massive argument over the text alone tells me that there is an strong emotional connection between the two of you. This is reinforced by the playful verbal teasing and the care he showed you by checking in on you to see how you were doing. There's likely sexual interest based on some of the behaviors you described as well...

Duddy :

Interestingly your I also assume your friends are right about his inability to handle or express his feelings in a mature way.

Duddy :

Having a relationship takes a lot of work and it also takes very good and clear communication. I think you need to set boundaries for yourself and very clearly express yourself to him about our feelings.

Duddy :

Ask yourself: would you like to have a long term committed relationship with him? If so what does that look like? what do you need from him in terms of commitment? What specific behaviors do you need him to start doing or stop doing in that kind of relationship...

Duddy :

Then ask yourself: are you willing to continue like this always frustrated sometimes hurt and angry? Sounds like he gets hurt and angry to at times.

Duddy :

I think you have 2 options:

Duddy :

1) to have a real committed and serious relationship with him or..

Duddy :

2) you have to draw very clear boundaries, state clearly how you define your relationship what is ok behavior and what is not acceptable behavior. This means just being friends - a formal relationship. It would mean accepting that you will not have that deep, close intimate relationship with him. It also means

Duddy :

that you will need to get over him - I say that because your anger and frustration come from an underling sense of deep care for him. If you take the friendship with boundaries root it will hurt at first and you will have to be strong and really take care of yourself emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Duddy :

I strongly suggested that you sit down and write down what you want from him and then let him know these 2 options does he want to be formal friends or does he want to share a deep emotional intimacy with you? Ask him what he wants from you in terms of a relationship. Tell him in black and white terms that it's not acceptable for him to send you mixed messages. Again I'm suggesting this based on what your friends say and what you've told me about the things he's said and the fight you had over the text etc. People can't get mad and frustrated like that unless they care about each other deep inside.There are defiantly feelings there but he needs to choose to grow up and own them and express them or not. If he doesn't want to be mature than you need to get on with your life, take care of yourself, get over him and find someone who will give you the love, respect clear communication and intimacy that you need and deserve as a woman!

Customer: Hi thanks for reply, do u feel then he does indeed like me more than a friend from what I told you?? As he denied it once when I asked him or I said I know I think I like you, also not adding me to facebook etc am guessing he don't want his gf to see me, but he don't respond to texts now is he trying to be distant as trying to make me think bout him more etc n these silly games he plays why am confused?? I love him lot as friend n I know I have feelings for him but I have bf and his age etc unsure if work,. I feel he does like me why he behaves way he does or could be he just friend n I annoy him?he just says behave be good girl and I may come out n winks but when others around he goes more serious to me n kinda ignores me sometimes
Customer: Also to add on maybe as am older he feels intimidated by me abit n seems to want to take charge now if makes sense , it could be he likes having laugh with me maybe n that's it but way he is I don't get it n why he always says wud u go with anyone from work n then says I wudnt, also I said may get married as joke n he went weird n said y stay as ur etc same with kids u can wait bit but been with bg 5 years weird comments,. N I met his friends too when was drunk but he called me his beauty cud not have then at work denied saying it n deleted photos of me n him on his phone guessing his gf would see
Duddy :

I would love to provide more answers based on the new information you provided. But we can only answer 1 question at a time and we only have a certain number of minutes to do so. Let me know if you'd like to pay for additional time.

Duddy :

Oh looks like I can respond now! Great! Let me write out a response and post it in a few minutes!

Duddy :

There’s no question he is attracted to you based on what you’ve described earlier and now again! Ok so this is really important information you’ve added here. So he has a girlfriend? I wonder it is a very serious committed relationship? I wonder if you’ve seen her or know anything about her?

A person can deeply like even love, and be attracted to 2 people. But it makes an emotionally healthy relationship impossible. I think that’s what’s happened here.

If he does have a steady girlfriend, this means that he is having and emotional affair with you at work. Yes he really likes you, but he has to make a decision and make a 100% commitment to just you or her.

You don’t want to be in an emotional affair like that. You need to be in a loving committed long term relationship yourself where you come first in your partner’s life before anyone else! Sound’s like he’s a good guy or you would not be interested in him. And since he likes you that means you have a lot to offer the right kind of man who will commit to you.

You need to have a very clear black and white talk with him if he continues flirting with you and set boundaries to protect yourself and him. Because emotional affairs don’t work – they only hurt people in the end.

And say he did decide to commit to you and not the other woman. How do you know he would not have another emotional affair or worse on you after a few months?

If he flirts with you again you need to tell him that you that behavior is not appropriate or acceptable to you. If you like him tell him your feeling very clearly (not when he’s drinking but when he’s completely sober) in short easy to understand sentences.

But tell him, if he’s not willing to treat you with the respect and love you deserve, then you must only be work colleagues just like you titled your first question. You will provide him love and deep levels of intimacy and honesty but only if he commits to you 110%.

You may want to write him a very clear letter if he you feel uncomfortable talking to him directly, or if he makes it hard for you with his behavior.

If does not agree to commit to you completely so that you become a real couple instead of just emotional affair partners, then you need to get over him. And that could take a couple of months. There are great books out there to help you for example:

http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284/ref=sr_1_6?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1406042512&sr=1-6&keywords=how+to+get+over+breakup

If it’s really difficult for your you could also look at a few sessions with a counselor. Sometimes you can get free EAP counseling for your work. You need to eat right, sleep right, stay away from drinking etc hang out with caring family and friends until he’s out of your system.

You need to be strong, get over this guy if he doesn’t agree to be yours and get yourself into an emotional healthy relationship where you will get and give the love and deep intimate connection you need to be a healthy happy woman! You completely deserve it!

Customer: Hi thank you so much for great reply, firstly he has had this on off relationship with girlfriend since he worked here, he has confided in me a lot bout his problems and how she has hurt him and nearly cried, he recently went away on guys holiday and told me he was good boy, but then started this strange behaviour towards me very toward me as beford holiday we had fight he was opposite not wanting to know me as much, we are all going out Friday and he was so excited bout coming teasing me etc saying look nice then today, he said not coming stuff to sort, I hear from another guy he not coming as gf won't let him she bully's him, as went through his phone n found he texted another girl knew from holiday as mates.... I don't think he does love her he seems trapped but hates being single,. But I want to be his friend but I have bf too as mentioned and wonder if he truely liked me why not try on,. I know sounds bad but odd,. Does he respect me or not fancy maybe just mate ??
Customer: I feel I am very confused but can't text him now n he don't go lunch so much on own as people that end office gossip more, so maybe a letter but woukd he think am weird?? Also today when I went over there work wise he trying to get my attention non stop silly things really n teases no end, but I am gutted he not out Friday but I don't want affair as love my bf but kinda want him to like me is that weird
Duddy :

I've worked with hundreds of couples of families and studied the best available relationship, dating and marriage research. What your describing is a man who is attracted to you but who does not know how to express his feelings effectively or to set up healthy emotional boundaries. I'm respond now to your last reply..

Customer: Hi
Duddy :

Hi! great to chat with you live.

Duddy :

So do you like this guy? Do you want a long term 1 on 1 relationship?

Customer: Hi thanks is better
Customer: It's weird it's like we have a big connection as way we are but I love my bf very much am just confused what he wants from me
Duddy :

Ok so you have a boyfriend already?

Customer: Yes I do he knows this and once want red to meet him but I can't get this guy out my head
Customer: Do u think he just likes me as friend n likes attention he gets or more??
Duddy :

To be honest I think he is emotionally and physically attracted to you, that he wants more than friendship and that confuses him.

Customer: Why is he so up n down with me if we supposed to be friends am sort of person who likes friends n no arguments
Customer: Why does he say stuff like wud not do anything with anyone from work to me n not tried on etc not that want him too?.
Duddy :

Well he argues at times because he get frustrated which can make him. Frustrated because he want connection and intimacy with you at times but he's not getting it. His playfulness and comments etc suggest intimacy needs and emotional bidding for your attention.

Customer: I find hard as feel I should ignore him but feel guilty n think of what good friends we been. N laughs we had but he moved team n he did change to me like quieter never coming up to me I have to go to him but if I don't gets Mardy but won't text now or email lot y confused?? But then flirts n teases me loads when go to his desk, his team are harsher than mine
Duddy :

At other times if he has a girl already and you have a guy, he knows unconsciously that its not realistic.

Customer: He won't add me to facebook though which odd as he has other girls at work barely talks too, n wud he talk to me bout gf if liked me n not text unless I do him
Duddy :

I really think you should directly communicate to him via writing if this kind of communication continues. State clearly that you value his friendship even that you've felt strongly about him at times but that you only want a friendship and that you'd like to define that friendship clearly and make boundaries.

Duddy :

Not adding you to FB tells me that he is worried about his feelings towards you and his GF may have picked up on those feelings and is jealous.

Customer: Once when night out another guy flirting with me n he saw so all over another guy n I got drunk admit n said y don't u like me he said does not sexually though n I thought ok but next day kept asking why said that I felt embarrassed so said didn't remember
Duddy :

at the very least he's trying to "do something" about his frustration.

Customer: What u mean frustration?? Y I presumed he didn't like as said it
Duddy :

Emotionally frustrated.

Customer: So u feel likes me lot n am part of reason why maybe he has problems with his gf and he knows that cus I work with him n have bf he can't do anything so he distances himself??
Duddy :

maybe physically frustrated or interested also. What a guy says and what he wants can be very different. You've just given another great example of behavior at the bar that proves an emotional connection. Drinking takes a way the resistance. reading your next post and responding now...

Customer: I thought that bout FB as very odd n he gets Mardy sometimes with me when I try to askby distant etc y we had argument, but really upset me
Duddy :

He sounds like the kind of guy who doesn't understand his own feelings. He can't put words to them. He would definitely not argue with you at times or keep you out of his FB unless this was true, - that he was concerned. His being all over the guy at the bar also clearly tells us that deep down he really cares about you.

Customer: Sorry going on but been crying over this as I hate the way I feel bout him I feel alful but I need to do something I hate fact he other end, he not the same he quieter, what do I put in letter??
Duddy :

It's not odd it's normal for most guys to have a disconnect between their behavior their thoughts and their feelings with opposite sex relationships.

Duddy :

Don't be sorry. It's good for you to chat and get it out of your system and come up with a clear simple strategy to deal with it.

Customer: Sorry bar thing I mean guy flirting with me so he was over another girl
Duddy :

same thing, his flirting was likely an expression of his emotional connection to you, worried someone else would have you and not him.

Duddy :

sounds like pretty deep feelings he has for you.

Customer: But his age is factor younger than me,. Maybe though he is just being friendly at work as last argument said back off from texting but that's when I asked y being distant n he would not answer me, as know he goes u behave m be good girl I'll but u birthday present n smiles loads
Duddy :

he could be concerned about age at the surface, but age difference may also speak to a deeper kind of maternal connection to you. He may look at you emotionally as a kind of mother figure.

Customer: If deep feelings y not show to me at work?? In way use too but now moved don't as much more fun teasing n staring? Also he says missed people off team to there face but never me
Customer: So sees me as mum?
Duddy :

maybe in some ways yes, mum in an unconscious emotional way...

Duddy :

I don't think he shows his feelings for 2 reasons:

Duddy :

1) because he doesn't understand them when they come up (they may not all the time just when he sees you etc and feels a certain way).

Customer: So not sexually he flirts though n checks me out
Duddy :

2) because his own silly behavior cause him to feel upset and he is naturally trying to avoid that frustration.

Duddy :

Well there are 2 levels of attraction, emotional and sexual. He may at times feel 1 or both.

Customer: Ok kinda understand so he likes me sometimes not others??
Customer: So likes me like mum figure not flirty sexy as he loves teasing n impressing me too
Duddy :

to put it simply yes. It's like anyone you or I really care about a family member for example. If you're not think about them or seeing them you're not aware of your love for them until you do.

Duddy :

With this fellow it's even more so because he has probably not really thought about and clearly defined his how he understands his relationship to you, so his feelings just pop or get triggered at times.

Customer: So be honest to conclude what u think n what I should do sorry just annoying me
Duddy :

No problem.

Customer: Do u feel quickly he wud rather not be friends?
Duddy :

Again, I think that if you do interact with him it's important to make some clear, simple black and white statements to him. Let him know how you feel and what kind of relationship you would like....just seeing your last question.. I have ask you: What kind of relationship do you really want with him? If you could have the perfect relationship what would it look like? What would you call it?

Duddy :

You might want to ask him some very simple clear questions as well

Duddy :

For example: what does the perfect relationship between you and him look like to him?

Customer: Ok I will write him short letter but if honest I guess my situation now wud be very good friends no arguments hsving fun I guess if single being hones bf
Duddy :

That makes good sense to me! If you get a chance you should let him know what hurts you at times in your relationship never be critical because that will shut him down and be defensive. Use "I language" identify the behavior of concern and let him know how it makes you feel. Let him know what your really want from the relationship.

Customer: But my instincts were right he likes me which I thought he did n he not out Friday cud of gf but he has not told me this he said saving for cat which odd ?
Customer: Not cat car
Duddy :

I think he likes you too. again I think he's just trying to avoid a situation where his own behavior and feelings lead him to feel uncomfortable. And again, his GF may sense his feelings towards someone else.

Customer: I feel better now I have spoke with u as it's not me thinking these things as told u negative things he does too
Customer: Can I update u tomorrow pls if ok
Duddy :

ok no problem!

Customer: Hi hope your well?? I had it all planned out for today but went to pot :-( first thing he was fine with me n I had emailed day before bout something he replied saying try to find in my files but again he use to be so nice asking if am ok etc now just replys no u ok... He out all day at this training thing but back round 4, I was working till 5 with him tonight, so I thought I'll speak bout stuff then, he was in a good mood when back as he looked upset this morning, so he chatted to few people anyway went toilet later n he came out men's same time I said u enjoy ur day he thrn looked really moody n went mmmmm yeah n like cudnt get away quick enough from me, well later on bout 4 45 I went over as only me n couple others in office managers had gone I said I want lift as he norm does n I said bus not on, the work one I emailed him he goes yeah I do know to me, n said staying bit later get normal bus, I said so y aren't u out fri he goes said got stuff to do n then goes look busy with work, he seemed really off, I feel like now am making all the effort, he ndver really comes to my desk now he so serious unless I go over to him then will flirt etc, I texted saying u ok he never replies neither, yeah we had argument but y u turn am getting so upset n annoyed now, do u still think likes me
Customer: I feel likd crying as I look at his he was say a month ago n ok he got better in way, flirting n going lunch on own but not same no texting nothing, always says I bully him I feel builled n sick of it, but can't say nothing as upset him he has lot probs with gf cud it be this maybe?
Customer: R u online?
Duddy :

Hi let me read your reply and respond.

Customer: Hi
Duddy :

Hi Minxy are you able to see my responses here now?

Customer: Only let me read ur response n reply
Duddy :

how are you doing?

Customer: But yes I can sorry bit confused there,. I really need advice
Duddy :

Ok sounds like he has other stuff on his mind. Maybe his in conflict with his GF?

Customer: Not great it's becoming hard now as way he is well today maybe am overthinking but his manner in email diff too still
Duddy :

what do you think is bothering him?

Customer: I know he has from what told u yest but y only treat me like crap no one else
Customer: I said this morning I'll give u advice bout something later he goes what I said later n seems he really don't want to talk bout it advise too n ignore texts too like I said yest this has since bend from argument but to my face is fine n flirty etc
Duddy :

how are you feeling about this?

Customer: It's like when walks by my desk blanks me but stares from distance n stuff but only talks at lunch or if I go to his desk I know he is really busy etc I get that I am too but acting like this n bring moody n arsy on email when I said u ok I don't get it,. What I said yest to u how he use to be, maybe I annoy him
Customer: I feel upset like he don't give crap as bout 4cweeks ago wud ask if am ok etc he looks Mardy n down all time at work now
Duddy :

It sounds like your really care about this guy?

Customer: But when his end office flirty trying to get my attention his old self but I get teased going to him lot
Customer: I do a lot pls what do u think?? U said yest u reckon likes md lot to
Customer: I know I shud prob give him space n in theroy I do I don't text now n he said I am behaving better
Duddy :

That is some pretty confusing behavior on his part. I'm concerned that you are reinforcing his close behavior by responding to his far behavior. Why don't you try not responding at all for a few days? Only interact in a completely professional way.

Duddy :

only when you have to as part of your job. If he likes you then his behavior will intensify.

Duddy :

That's when you can tell him you need to talk as adults to clarify the boundaries in your relationship.

Customer: What u mean far behsviour?? Do u think he don't like me then as said yest he does this but he had gone back really nice just today
Duddy :

If I'm hearing you right, he flirts or sends signals from a distance but when you are physically close in the office or text etc he shuts down.

Duddy :

If that is true, you can experiment with not responding at all except in a completely professional way only when you're work requires as thought you don't care about him at all.

Duddy :

If he cares about you and values your friendship he will increase his attempt to connect with you.

Customer: He flirts if I go to his desk or near his desk n trys to get my attention when chatting to others , n he did up until 4 weeks ago b4 argument text me quite a lot now don't text at all n emails bout work only, n chats at lunch n flirts
Customer: Do u think cus he moved team or since argument?? Or his gf etc
Duddy :

Got it! Then you can ignore those behaviors completely when you are in close proximity. Don't respond to them, act like they don't exist. He may eventually start to text you to reconnect.

Customer: I feel ur right n I know I Have too but hurts me as I fel did he never like me
Customer: But say he likes me n I do that I kinda tried b4 he got Mardy but I know only true way of knowing, surely he wud not flirt if felt nothing n stare n ask me stuff n touch my hand like couple days ago
Duddy :

well if you stop responding completely he may try to reconnect with you and that's when you need to communicate with him the way we talked before. If doesn't intensify in his attempts to connect with you over time (like I think he will) then you know that he's not interested.

Customer: What u mean like I think he will??
Duddy :

I think that if you don't respond for a few days or more, he will really try to reconnect with you to see what's wrong - the same way he interferes when you talk to someone else or flirts with you now.

Duddy :

I need to be away for a quick meeting for about 10 minutes. I'll check back for your response. shortly...

Customer: Someone suggested he likes me loads n trys to distance himself but when sees me has urge to flirt etc as he don't know how to handle situation n misses me as they said he not same
Duddy :

That sounds similar to what I've been saying.

Customer: I see what u mean then I will try rest of week to not speak at all, as I have no real need if honest except one person that end, if he does chat I'll say gotta go sorry busy, n if in lunch with us I'll speak with others more, I am hurt very if honest n hope this friendship is real, I hope u think as a guy it is real n not using me,. Just what we had was great n is
Duddy :

Ok I have to go too. And also, do you mind paying for our time together? JustAnswer puts a limit on the time we should spend together in chat. I don't mind continuing if you open another question. I hope that's ok with you?

Customer: Hi sorry for yest it disconnected n I could not get bsvk on at all, if I could update bout today no problem rating n doing as new question, can u advise what to do thanks
Duddy :

Hi! So how is going now?

Customer: I can give u extra at end if ok?? Bonus
Duddy :

I don't really pay attention to the mechanics of this site. I just answer questions to try to help my customers with answers. The billing etc is automatic.

Duddy :

So how are things going?

Duddy :

It shows you as typing here. So I'm just waiting for your response.

Customer: Hi yes as I said sorry for yest, well I did as u said I ignored him completely I think he knew as I didn't talk when he stood near my desk look at him or anything, we had fire drill n outside he kept looking over at me n ignored him, it was very hard n I felt upset n angry, well then at lunchtime I nipped in canteen for drink n he was in there on his own I just said hi as walked by n he goes r u ok today n looked upset, I said busy he goes oh ok can we chat if I got min, so we chatted n he said u texted me yesterday didn't u asking if am ok y?? I explained what heard n said it not my business,. He told me his mate used his phone to text some girl n his gf hot mad but ok now, he said am saving for car y not out but if u want md out n paused n said I'll try for few I said up to u more the nerrier, he seemed ok, said stressed with work n said not same as was as always liked my company n not as much fun, n said I have to be careful people watching etc n talking people are his end,. Y ignores me really as don't want gossip, I said unfair as can't really talk to u then, he goes noo n looked quite upset , he said we can still lunch n laughed but in his emails he use to be funny now do serious I don't get that ,. So what do u think??
Duddy :

ok reading now...

Duddy :

It sounds like he is very concerned about what his current girlfriend thinks. It does make sense a healthy relationship requires boundaries. Emotional affairs destroy many relationships and marriages and often lead beyond the emotional level to the physical. If you are really going to be friends while he is in a serious 1 on 1 relationship with someone else than it should be the kind of relationship that everyone feels comfortable with - nothing to hide from anyone. I think it might be helpful to let him know that at some point.

Customer: I asked him bout the name he called me too he didn't say anything I said u don't say now so guess u not fussed n he goes mmm guess, also another guy he mates with sits near me my end now n I said chatting bout something but not same as him he goes y ain't he, I said we got like a bond just different n he just looked at me n asked if that guy laughed at joke told him thought that strange
Customer: But what about how he is at work as was diff befure he seems very bothered now as before werebt?? He likes to chat with me away from others I feel n when I go up to him so don't look like it's him chasing me ?
Customer: But I was quite stern today I feel there is something but I wud never do anything as my status n his but as u said yest I ignored only half a day n he chatted so much
Customer: U there ?
Duddy :

sure just saw your response...

Duddy :

there was a delay..

Customer: It's like he don't want people knowing in way
Duddy :

It sounds like he really likes you but he's in that 1 on 1 monogamous relationship. Sounds like at times he's torn. He wants to talk to you and spend time, but he's worried about his girlfriend finding out. Sound's like he doesn't want people so it doesn't get back to his girlfriend.

Duddy :

A person can really like 2 people at once, some argue even love 2 at once but it's not healthy for anyone involved.

Customer: So u don't think he thinks am annoying etc?? Y mention what other guy said?? He did say enjoys my company n always has but mentions his gf like when they get house etc but when see him back in office he looks kinda down again, n so serious as never was like that before y wud that change??
Duddy :

I think it's more that he is in conflict emotionally because he does want to spend time with and at the same time he does not because is girlfriend will get mad. So it's not your behavior that upsets him but his own conflicted situation.

Customer: I find it very hard if honest though, I will keep distance again tomorrow too see how he is n wonder if he will come tomorrow night
Customer: That us true what ur saying but before he weren't like that is it cus he really misses me u think ??
Duddy :

Well, in summary now it seems like you have a guy who likes you, wants to spend time with you but doesn't want his girlfriend to find out. It's likely the more time he spends not having your attention and spending time with you the more he will want to (if this is what's happening) and that will increase his sense of conflict and frustration. I don't know how emotionally healthy that is for anyone involved.

Duddy :

He may be having or trying to have an emotional affair with you. Here is a good post on emotional affairs in the workplace:

Duddy :

http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/affair-you-dont-know-youre-having

David Akiva and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi are you there??
Expert:  David Akiva replied 2 years ago.
Hi I got a request from you. How are things going?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Am very well thanks, u?? Thought update u bit, Friday I tried to ignore again as thought write him letter as trust him enough bout what I feel etc well he was very toward me again as I wasn't giving my attention to him, I spoke with colleague on his team work related n he called me over showing me picture of car in retested in, to be fair he did show others after me but I was first he said, I asked r u out tonight he said may for couple will see, he kept walking by my bank lot and staring and chatting how he use too it's weird? Later he sat next to me bout a query I was doing for him but had already emailed him, he sat very close n was like old days , he seemed nervous n tried to chat to stay longer he doesn't do with others as I see him, he said I miss sitting near u n put hand on mine, I moved as others will see n before went home actually emailed saying have great weekend may cu later bit he didn't come his gf won't let him out even though he told me she werebt reason another guy said was now confused as think y acting like this again
Expert:  David Akiva replied 2 years ago.
I'm fine thank you. Sorry we are not in regular chat. This screen is from the pervious question. I'm going to read your response and reply..back in a few....
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Ok thanks
Expert:  David Akiva replied 2 years ago.
Ok. Looks like the same old behavior on his part. It seems to me that he is definitely struggling with what is essentially an emotional affair. I'm not sure if you saw the link I sent. It seems like his emotional bidding behaviors (trying to get your attention increases) increase when you are not emotionally available.
I think you need to write him that letter and clearly state what kind of relationship is acceptable to you. If it's a friendship you really want, you should state that in the letter. Touching someone's hand is a behavior that belongs in a close monogamous relationship not in a work relationship. I really believe clear boundaries should be setup in work relationships that are starting into emotional affair territory.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I did read it yes and was very interesting if honest , which is why I thought write him the letter but I didn't want to look weird as maybe it's just friendship he misses my attention and the fun or do u really think more?? I will admit all the signs are there he likes me but it's fact I know he likes younger girls but said I like ur hair darker u shud dye it, he liked brunettes, but y give me attention all of sudden again ??
If he liked me that much y not come out??
Expert:  David Akiva replied 2 years ago.
Those kinds of comments and actions are very consistent with beyond-friendship motives.
As far as communication goes it its really just a process of clarification. You could even share the article I gave you with him and just ask if he could clarify his motives and goals as far as your relationship goes. If a co-worker is flirting and touching your hand it's more than ok to ask about the status of the relationship and clarify boundaries and clearly define the relationship itself. Especially if you are both in a committed relationships already outside of your "friendship".
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Do u think he is shy??
Expert:  David Akiva replied 2 years ago.
He may be shy, but It's just as likely that he's torn between you and his current life partner. If he's the kind of guy that puts his hand on a female co-worker's, I'm not sure that shy is the right word.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
But y not try it on out of work he had times when alone but he flirts still y I feel does he or not?? So I know how to write letter
Expert:  David Akiva replied 2 years ago.
I'm not sure I understand your last question. Do you mind clarifying?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Meaning does he fancy me or just flirt at work as times he cud had tried on but didn't but flirted n touched me whe alone why I get confused etc n don't text first generally but always there if need him just the tension I feel but think deep down he likes me but unsure what to write in letter as unsure if likes me as really good friend as calls me mate loads but maybe cud at work
Expert:  David Akiva replied 2 years ago.
lol sorry, I haven't heard the word "Fancy" since the last time I was in the UK. It's not used here in Canada and the States where I am.
It could well be that he does fancy you at times, and at other times he wants to be "just friends." If so, that behavior is consistent with emotional affair like behavior and maybe some confusion around it.
I think that's the very reason you need to address this. I think you also need to be very clear on what your intentions and wishes are relationship wise. And ask him what his are. That's how you find out. Then make an adult decision together about what kind of relationship your going to have.
In fact what's most important are what your intentions are. If you want to be just friends then you need to set boundaries for his sake and yours. My assumption is that you don't fancy him beyond friendship because - you're in a relationship already?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Why would he sometimes like me then other times not ?? If honest I would not want a relationship with him he would only be for fun sounds harsh but I feel very attracted to him it's weird, but I guess I feel he is me but I do need to set boundaries but worry he will get moody again
Expert:  David Akiva replied 2 years ago.
Well there are a number of factors that go on with an emotional affair, sometimes the person wants to have the affair with the affair partner, and other times they may feel very guilty and nervous, because they are essentially cheating on their primary partner emotionally; and, emotional affairs at work and online often lead to physical affairs. Many men who have emotional affairs usually are not the best at expressing their feelings or thinking things out emotionally(its a set of skills that has to be learned)so they respond unconsciously and in the moment without much thought. Their own behavior can leave them feeling very frustrated with themselves after the fact.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
U think this cud end up being physical affair then?? He keeps me hidden and talks different when alone softer etc but reading up on it I feel we r having that I tell him stuff bout me n him bout him he will always point out work we did togeather when we worked same team n smile loads, I feel very confused as hate myself for feeling like this I feel I need to get him outy system but can't as I work with him n don't want to lose my friendship sorry just every day I think work morrow how will he be with me other girls it's driving me mad :-( n no one can tell but love my bf so much
Expert:  David Akiva replied 2 years ago.
I can't speak to your situation specifically because I'm not there to observe or working with him in a counseling relationship to really get to understand him and what is motivating him.
What I can say is that many emotional affairs in the workplace lead to sexual affairs. I've seen these emotional affairs almost destroy many couples' relationships.
Here's another good article I thought you might like:
http://marriage.about.com/od/infidelity/ss/emotionalaffair.htm
If you really love your BF then all the more to set clear boundaries at work with this other fellow. You could let him know that you just want to be friends. That you're in a primary relationship and that you don't want to jeopardize that relationship, just like this fellow at work may not want to jeopardize his primary relationship.
That would mean just being co-workers with boundaries. If you plan to get married someday you need to know how to affair-proof your marriage too.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Sorry yet again had problems with my phone why loses connection, ok I took everything on board u said n thought I'll write him a letter well he was off work yesterday but back today but looked bit moody, he spoke bits but was kinda off again, I thought I'll get him in good mood so can give it him, I emailed joke thing with work related query n he answered work thing but ignored joke, again he laughed n spoke when over there, so I thought maybe text him as not done in ages , well between this got told mutual friend of ours not well so I texted him bout him saying do u know if ok n please reply as would like to know, nothing again at all... So now I feel so annoyed again, we agreed space from texting etc but that month ago now n he still don't call me that name anymore just my name but says it soft still, can I ask is he still annoyed do u think after our argument month ago?? As face to face fine but text nothing even invite to my party nothing n I know he got that as heard him say to someone, he wud akways say sorry didn't reply straight away n be so caring n sorry n joke around since then nothing n it hurts me, now what ??? Sorry
Expert:  David Akiva replied 2 years ago.
No need to say sorry. No problem.
I think that it is good to write him to clarify. It's very good as you suggest to wait until he is in a good mood to initiate real communication.
I think you should clarify the nature and boundaries of your relationship before getting into an exchange in writing or in person about specific issues.
I would take a break again and only communicate as needed around work. No longer on the same team together that could mean zero communication.
When he initiates communication and is in a good mood, then you can write him with re relationship clarification.
If this relationship is life/work-interfering for you, you may want to take the steps to get over the friendship. Friends treat each other with continuous respect and consideration.
Deeply, connected partners in primary emotional relationships treat each other with continues emotional empathy and continuous communication at the level of intimate self-disclosure.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I agree with the distance again defiantly but soon as work related he in there straight away n ringing me on phone like today I forgot to say n laughing at work, but outside nothing?? Ur honest opinion y do u think that?? After everything told You .,I can only assume 3 things here.1) he never truely was my friend he enjoyed attention and used me but that don't make sense with stuff he says ie loves my company n staring2) he wanted me for one thing3) he pissed off still over argumentI do want his friendship as I feel deep down he does but being like this to me ignoring me is not on and ok not everyone checks phone etc and he use to sometimes text back next day but it's like he don't mention it, he asked bout our night out though but also when I look up he rarely talks to people on his team very quiet n distant not how he was here on my team but also says buying me something for my bday he says it not me
Expert:  David Akiva replied 2 years ago.
Sound's to me like he doesn't really think or plan these behaviors or at times, lack of action. I think he is responding on automatic pilot.
It's very likely he doesn't give it much conscious thought.
So it could be a combination of 3 things in various combinations at different times. Depends on his mood, what's going on in his life generally.
Your describing a person who is deeply motivated by negative social reinforcement (trying to avoid being ignored or not having attention) but someone who may be preoccupied with other life challenges and daily experiences as they come up.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
So u still think he has feelings for me?? But other stuff going on in his life at min so pre occupied ??
Expert:  David Akiva replied 2 years ago.
That is a very interesting question. I would argue that at the core of any attraction there is an striving for emotional connection. The person you describe seems to experience an intensified need to connect/communicate when others have your attention. This patter usually signifies underlying feelings.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I feel deep down you are right and I feel he does but today as I guess texted him he was cold again to me , when I spoke with my friend who sits next to him bout my bf birthday his face was so Mardy , he looked at me a few times, but said nothing n looked really annoyed n upset, I spoke to him later n he was ok asking what I want for my bday n saying she is great sister to him my friend akways called her that as she moved with him to new team, n saying they chat n text lot n really emphasize texting, he was I said ok, but again didn't come lunch or want lift with me, I write him kinda small jokey poem to say sorry in way gave him just as left, no idea what he will think and hope don't show anyone, but he fine with everyone else but when we talk alone he goes Mardy again. Now getting upset frustrated annoyed, as a guy can u say if this is repairable or do u think he sees me as weird as asks how am n bday etc or just being nice as feels have too, was poem wrong thing to do I didn't text but will totally ignore now as prob think am weird, just I can't believe he can be nice then like this again well yesterday he said nothing bout poem at all and acted even weirder like looking at me really kinda upset/weird, he didn't talk when walked by complety blanked everyone, yet I went up there as test n he didn't speak to me at first but stared n listening n looked Mardy, then later when adked bout drink canteen said wud have one, n teased me bit n pure staring at me n smiling, I noticed guy behind him though kinda said something to him when I asked bout drink n he goes what n other guy goes u know what, I thought that odd, as he had played pool with him earlier, then when brought drinks up again he went all formal again, n on email very formal, but asked again bout my bday when outside the office n seemed concerned saying aww bless u as had nosebleed, came bck in office wham diff ignored me again, I have been crying as I look at texts etc n think in 4 weeks he changed surely still not from that argument, do U think he just not interested as never texts, rarely talks unless I ignore him or if I go to desk, rarely comes lunch now n at his desk he just seems bit Mardy it's odd, but when Mardy with me makes point to say hi to other women loud it's upsetting n feel I been used but then the teasing n staring etc n when alone he like old self???? What do u suggest I do
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I feel deep down you are right and I feel he does but today as I guess texted him he was cold again to me , when I spoke with my friend who sits next to him bout my bf birthday his face was so Mardy , he looked at me a few times, but said nothing n looked really annoyed n upset, I spoke to him later n he was ok asking what I want for my bday n saying she is great sister to him my friend akways called her that as she moved with him to new team, n saying they chat n text lot n really emphasize texting, he was I said ok, but again didn't come lunch or want lift with me, I write him kinda small jokey poem to say sorry in way gave him just as left, no idea what he will think and hope don't show anyone, but he fine with everyone else but when we talk alone he goes Mardy again. Now getting upset frustrated annoyed, as a guy can u say if this is repairable or do u think he sees me as weird as asks how am n bday etc or just being nice as feels have too, was poem wrong thing to do I didn't text but will totally ignore now as prob think am weird, just I can't believe he can be nice then like this again well yesterday he said nothing bout poem at all and acted even weirder like looking at me really kinda upset/weird, he didn't talk when walked by complety blanked everyone, yet I went up there as test n he didn't speak to me at first but stared n listening n looked Mardy, then later when adked bout drink canteen said wud have one, n teased me bit n pure staring at me n smiling, I noticed guy behind him though kinda said something to him when I asked bout drink n he goes what n other guy goes u know what, I thought that odd, as he had played pool with him earlier, then when brought drinks up again he went all formal again, n on email very formal, but asked again bout my bday when outside the office n seemed concerned saying aww bless u as had nosebleed, came bck in office wham diff ignored me again, I have been crying as I look at texts etc n think in 4 weeks he changed surely still not from that argument, do U think he just not interested as never texts, rarely talks unless I ignore him or if I go to desk, rarely comes lunch now n at his desk he just seems bit Mardy it's odd, but when Mardy with me makes point to say hi to other women loud it's upsetting n feel I been used but then the teasing n staring etc n when alone he like old self???? What do u suggest I do

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