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DrJackiePhD
DrJackiePhD, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 347
Experience:  I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.
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I think I need help with controlling what my mind things and

Resolved Question:

I think I need help with controlling what my mind things and saying the right things
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 2 years ago.
DrJackiePhD :

Hi Yusuf? Are you there?

DrJackiePhD :

I will remain online for a lot longer now!

Customer:

Hi I am here

Customer:

Basically Ive hit rock bottom at the moment because I am in a relationship and Ive let get in the way my friends who were giving me useful advice but I was misinterpreting it at the moment

DrJackiePhD :

I just received a notice that you rated me "Poor service." Did you mean to do that? Do you want me to opt out so that you can talk to someone else?

Customer:

I didn't mean to do that because I thought I was going to get charged £24

DrJackiePhD :

OK. It hurt my rating.

DrJackiePhD :

I didn't know if you were trying to tell me you wanted to request another expert.

Customer:

Im sorry see classic example of whats happening to me at the moment

Customer:

My mind is so twisted at the moment that anything anyone says to me I take it the wrong way and say the wrong thing

DrJackiePhD :

You mentioned a relationship you are currently in taking importance over friends. This does happen frequently, especially at first when the relationship is new and fresh. But if you have been in this relationship for over 6 months and still are not seeing friends and family and only concentrating on the relationship, then definitely you will need to change that in order to take back control of your life.

DrJackiePhD :

OK--why is your mind so "twisted" as you mention?

Customer:

Im listening to friends more than my parents and my girlfriend

DrJackiePhD :

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought it was the other way around. Do you think your friends are giving you bad advice?

Customer:

Today I was exposed to everything and both sides currently hate me for what I have done.

Customer:

I don't know

Customer:

because one says one thing another says another

Customer:

I get confused and don't know what to think

Customer:

my friend advised me to give up the girl and I tried to but my twisted mind got in the way and things became worse

DrJackiePhD :

Are you able to be more specific? Or can you at least give me an example? I know it's tedious but I need a little more information to understand and better help you. Don't worry about the time/money. I always try to remember to pause the timer so that you get a lot more than ten minutes if we need it.

DrJackiePhD :

Ok. I'll let you finish and re-read it all together.

Customer:

Today I tried to end it with my girlfriend and she thought it was my parents who were doing everything to do this. the reason because my father said "did I tell you to think about not marrying this girl"

Customer:

he did but he put me in the position that he didn't say none of it.

Customer:

so I had to say to my girlfriend that it was me saying all those lies

DrJackiePhD :

All those lies? I think I'm catching up---your parents don't like her for some reason. I assume they have met her just like your friends have met her, right? Why don't they like her? And what lies are circulating? She thinks you said stuff about her that was not true? Did your parents say something that got back to her?

Customer:

yes she thinks ive said nothing but lies to her

Customer:

she thinks I have got someone else there as well and im not interested in her so I am trying to get rid when this is not the case

DrJackiePhD :

Did you explain why you think it's a good idea to break up? Can you elaborate a bit more? I still do not understand why your parents do not like her. Are their reasons good reasons?

Customer:

Im from the UK

DrJackiePhD :

I'm guessing not if they are lying about her. :-(

Customer:

my girlfriend is from New Zealand

DrJackiePhD :

Ok so it's an internet relationship?

Customer:

I went to see the family and everything in NZ in June

DrJackiePhD :

Oh, OK--wow!

Customer:

I like everything the agreement was I go to NZ to live because for her shes already in a stable job and I can join her and do well as well. well before I left she told me I had to do certain things but there was no clear from her that I want to marry you

DrJackiePhD :

OK

Customer:

So when I went back to the UK, I got myself a job thinking if I'm relocating there I need to stay in the UK, I get something and then my father says that Son, I think you should think about cancelling your plans to go to NZ so I went away thinking that they don't want me to leave

DrJackiePhD :

Oh I see.

Customer:

at this time, she wasn't in contact with me and I wasn't in contact with her so I didn't know what was going on. My mum got upset because it was us who were keeping in contact and not them so I left it

Customer:

2 weeks later my girlfriend is like youve changed and you no longer want to talk to me whats changed your mind. So I told her exactly what my father had said to me

Customer:

my parents don't want me to go and they want me to stay here

DrJackiePhD :

Because your parents love you and would miss you, right? Or is it more because they don't like your girlfriend?

Customer:

yes, but they never have spoken bad about my girlfriend its just she lives too far away

DrJackiePhD :

So does your girlfriend understand that it's the geographic distance and not her self that your parents are concerned about?

Customer:

she did today, but I didn't help the situation because I started a my family vs her family war

Customer:

she says to me that why did you think of all of these lies and what did you want to get out of it

Customer:

she says you turned me against your family with your lies

DrJackiePhD :

This is what I'm gathering so far. You seem like a very nice guy. And I think you are so torn because a lot of times nice guys try to please everyone--families, friends, intimate partner, etc. And it gets impossible to please everyone, especially when not everyone thinks or feels the same way. And that is why you are so torn and confused. What I still don't understand is "all of the lies" part.

Customer:

now shes asking for all of my friends on facebook etc

DrJackiePhD :

What you just now wrote--do you mean she wants to "friend" all your friends on facebook?

Customer:

yes

DrJackiePhD :

Why?

DrJackiePhD :

To try to find out about you?

Customer:

to see what advice they have been giving me

DrJackiePhD :

OK. What advice have they been giving you?

Customer:

some have been telling me to get rid, some said she needs to understand your situation and so on

DrJackiePhD :

OK. So let's back up for a minute. She's obviously very upset even though you have tried to explain things. And do I have this right--you couldn't accuse your father even though he was behind some things so you had to say you had lied to protect him?

Customer:

yes

Customer:

because of todays events I feel like committing suicide because I can't forgive myself

DrJackiePhD :

OK. For one minute forget about all the "lies" and your parents and your friends. When you went to visit her in NZ--how did it go? That was about six weeks ago, right? Did it feel right to you to move there? Did you feel as good being with her as what you had thought when you were still in the UK and had not seen her in person yet? What DO YOU want to do?

DrJackiePhD :

Oh, I am so glad you are admitting this. I want to help you. I know you feel awful, but this is not your fault. Please let me know you will not do this. I am ethically obligated to try to get a suicide counselor on here if you are thinking about it because I definitely do not want you to do that.

Customer:

I was going to do that but I decided against it because it solves nothing

Customer:

I have to try and deal with this

Customer:

no more thoughts on the suicide topic

DrJackiePhD :

Right. Like I said, you seem like such a nice guy. Yes. So let's try to forget about everyone else giving input for a minute and just think about you and this girl. What did you feel when you were with her in N.Z.?

Customer:

I felt happy secure and felt good that I finally got to go there and meet the family

Customer:

and see all individuals

DrJackiePhD :

Did her family seem to like you?

Customer:

yes

Customer:

my father currently hates me at the moment

DrJackiePhD :

The bot***** *****ne is that you are happy. Your parents very likely want what's best for you deep down. All parents who love their children, even adult children, want them to be happy. And sometimes they don't want to "let go." The thought of you being so far away probably scares them.

Customer:

yes

Customer:

but my question is how to get rid of these twisted thoughts in my brain

DrJackiePhD :

I don't know your father. But "hate" is such a strong word. Just from what you have said, it seems like they are protective of you and don't want you to go off to another country and then "get stuck" and not be able to help you. Does that seem about right?

Customer:

yes

Customer:

and stop these lies coming out from my brain

DrJackiePhD :

Well, what I'm trying to do is to get you to separate everyone away from you and your feelings/thoughts. I want you to express what makes you happy at this point. Ultimately, you are the one who has to make you happy. And if going to NZ and working there makes you happy, then I would say you need to do it. If you have the job already lined up and have the money saved up, etc. If you are worried now about how things are with your girlfriend, then what you need to do is explain everything to her just like you have to me. Be honest. Try not to worry about what you are saying or your brain being messed up or lying. The reason everything is scrambled right now is BECAUSE too many people are interfering, even if they mean well.

DrJackiePhD :

If she is the understanding, loving person, and you are honest with her and express to her how you feel and what has happened, she will understand. If she doesn't, then maybe you need to cool down the relationship until you both are on the "same page." Does that make sense? I know your question is about saying the right things and thinking the right things.

Customer:

she keeps saying to me shame on you and you should be ashamed how can you forgive yourself.... I believe all those things that I am right now

DrJackiePhD :

First, you can't help how you feel. Period. What you CAN control is how you react to your feelings. So I think you can prove to yourself and everyone else that you ARE IN CHARGE of your thoughts by simply doing this--control your reactions. You seem to bottle things in and accept blame when you have done nothing wrong. Don't do that. Take charge of the good person you are and explain as best as you can in whatever words you can what is going on. If people including friends, girlfriend, whatever, can't accept that, then they were not really your friend. I am betting your friends will be proud of you!

Customer:

I am easily influenced and give in too easily

DrJackiePhD :

Oh--I somehow missed that she was saying these things. These things are not supportive at all. Maybe I missed something else, but I'm not seeing you did anything wrong!

DrJackiePhD :

Yes, I see you as trying to make everyone else happy. And the downside to this personality is that you drive yourself nuts in the process--like you are feeling now! This is not good. Again, your father and mother said things, not you. Don't blame yourself for something you did not do.

DrJackiePhD :

Tell her exactly what happened--all the details. If she does not understand, she is definitely not the girl for you. Telling you that you should be ashamed of yourself--those are not the words of a loving, supportive girlfriend.

DrJackiePhD :

Here is what I would do if I were in your shoes:

DrJackiePhD :

1) Get her online--video chat, SKYPE, however you talk to her.

DrJackiePhD :

2) Tell her exactly what has happened. Don't worry about "blaming your dad." You can even soften it by saying your parents are over protective. But make sure she understands you didn't lie or do anything wrong.

Customer:

my father loves to put me down

DrJackiePhD :

3) Tell her how you felt when you were with her. Tell her that you feel like she is judging you and how that makes you feel. Remember not to blame her--even though I don't think she communicated well--you don't need to stoop to her level.

Customer:

like today he said to them I know my son hes 28 but hes still immature

Customer:

but I have a degree and I am a teacher

DrJackiePhD :

4) Be honest and tell her that your father and you do not see "Eye to eye" and that he says things that are demeaning because he himself is insecure. And this is honest. This is why anyone puts others down--it always boils down to insecurity.

Customer:

she asked me how did you feel when you were with me, what is wrong with me is it my looks etc

DrJackiePhD :

5) Tell her you would like to continue a relationship and see how it goes but that you need her to trust you

DrJackiePhD :

6) Tell her you are not going to let your dad or his insecurities control your life.

DrJackiePhD :

7) Stick to your guns. You will feel a lot of relief once you get all of this out. And you can do it in a nice way. But you need to be proud of the man you are, of your teaching degree, how you help students, etc. You have a lot to be proud of. Don't let an insecure parent get into your way!

Customer:

don't get me wrong he has done more than he has supposed to have done for me, but its the case like always my son is immature he went abroad to work and hes still the same doesn't think and problems after problems

Customer:

I have to sit there and listen though and it makes me sick

Customer:

that I spent 5 years of my life trying to do something for which they can be proud of

Customer:

but its never enough

DrJackiePhD :

And it hurts, right? It hurts because you love him. And most young adults, if they are honest, want to please their parents. Maybe you need to get your own place in the UK. I am guessing you live with your parents? Even if you don't move to NZ or maybe you don't move right now, you probably need to get a place of your own. Or if it's too expensive right now, maybe you could get a roommate or two. You are a good person who has a lot to give to others--like students. You need to be in a positive environment.

Customer:

I left the UK to go abroad for this precise reason

DrJackiePhD :

That way you can still ring your dad or he can ring you but you also have your own home and don't have to listen to negative words.

DrJackiePhD :

Yes!

Customer:

and he says no its because you didn't want to help me

Customer:

why am I so strong on moving to NZ

Customer:

its because of this issue

Customer:

that I am in a negative environment

DrJackiePhD :

Well, do you think for now until you make sure you really want to move to NZ that you could get your own apartment (flat right?) or roommate? I mean, if you want to go to NZ for you, that is great! But I wouldn't advise you to move to NZ for a woman if that is the big reason because you don't know yet if you are going to work out. But definitely get a place to live away from your parents. No money can make up for that. You are absolutely right. And I'm guessing your original concern about your thoughts and words--you will be SO MUCH BETTER getting out of a negative living place.

Customer:

I am a nice person deep down I know I am, when I was abroad I never felt better about myself people kept talking positively about me, the kids all burst into tears when they heard I was leaving

DrJackiePhD :

She has little brothers/sisters?

DrJackiePhD :

Or are you talking about students?

Customer:

students

Customer:

her cousin knows me from abroad he has told the family repeatedly that he has seen evidence of him being so respected

Customer:

in my own home I am put down so much its demoralising

Customer:

I blame my parents for putting me in this state

DrJackiePhD :

See--absolutely. I honestly think you know what you have to do to feel better. Your mind--your speaking--all are "messed up" so to speak because of the negativity. Yes.
"

DrJackiePhD :

And I believe they are to blame. But you know this. And now it's up to you to figure out a way to get out.

DrJackiePhD :

And I think you are motivated enough.

DrJackiePhD :

You have friends.

Customer:

this is what I was telling my girlfriend today that I have no hope

Customer:

I can't live up to my words

DrJackiePhD :

I am guessing someone could use a roommate, even temporarily, until you have time to consider NZ for real or staying in the UK

DrJackiePhD :

Wait--live up to your words? What do you mean?

Customer:

my girlfriend says actions speak louder than words

DrJackiePhD :

You already know the source of your jumbled thoughts. You know you have to be out of your parents' home. You have a job. You can do it.

DrJackiePhD :

Yes--and an action of moving out I truly believe would help you in so many ways!!!

Customer:

my brother has had many anxiety attacks and its been because of the envirionment

Customer:

they all say to me you are going to get whats coming to you

DrJackiePhD :

Does your brother live there?

Customer:

yes

DrJackiePhD :

And just what you wrote--that is not healthy. You are not emotionally healthy. No wonder you are having relationship issues. I'm not saying that to be mean at all. It's just that I tell all my clients/customers that if they are not in an emotionally healthy environment, you can't be healthy in a relationship.

Customer:

but my parents are going to buy a house so he can leave peacefully there

Customer:

you hit the nail on the head there

DrJackiePhD :

So you know what I'm saying is right. Do you have a friend whom you could stay with just until you figure out if you are going to live in the UK for awhile or what you are going to do job-wise?

Customer:

Not right now as they will all say you need to sort out with your parents

DrJackiePhD :

I don't know the culture in the UK. But here in the US, it is not the norm for young adults to move back in with their parents after college unless they don't have a good job yet. You are an adult and you need to make your own decisions. You are a nice young man. You need to be in a positive living environment. Period.

Customer:

yes

Customer:

I am from an asian family

Customer:

they tend to live and think differently

DrJackiePhD :

Money (or lack of) should not dictate this. Oh, I see. I saw your name spelling and I thought maybe you were Jewish but didn't realize that. I do know Asian culture is very different. But you know what? Even so, you need to do what is best for YOU. Period. I know that is easy for me to say that. But I'm saying it to help you. I want you to be healthy. You are not in a healthy place right now.

Customer:

They have told me to leave the house if I don't want to be there

Customer:

but for my mum I will stay, shes only just received her son back

Customer:

I have a question do you think I have mental health issues

Customer:

because right now I get very teary and im going bonkers

DrJackiePhD :

I could not begin to answer that because we have only been chatting for a short time and of course, you have not filled out any tests or anything. So as far as a medical diagnosis goes, I have nothing to go on. I know somethings-- you do not seem like you have any more mental health issues than anyone else who is "normal." I honestly think you have been so severely emotionally stressed that you have been confused and very depressed. That does not make you have mental health issues.

DrJackiePhD :

I think you emotions like healthy people do.

DrJackiePhD :

*you have*

Customer:

but in the eyes of my partner I have

Customer:

mental health issues

DrJackiePhD :

Well, is she a mental health expert? I'm not being sarcastic--is she qualified to make a diagnosis?

Customer:

shes a lawyer by name

Customer:

all her diagnosis so far about me have been right

DrJackiePhD :

So she is educated about the law. That does not make her a mental health expert. And the fact that she is blaming you and asking you how you could live with yourself--she does not seem understanding. I know I don't know the entire story. But I do know that really nice people need to be with other really nice people who are kind and compassionate and appreciate them.

Customer:

shes too good for me

DrJackiePhD :

Well, I don't know about that. I mean, if you are thinking a lawyer needs to be with another lawyer...but I don't care about job titles. I care about people and specialize in relationships. And I do know that in order to be in a healthy relationship, you need to get yourself mentally healthy. This means getting your own living place apart from your parents. Period. It also means that you need to be in a relationship with someone who will treat you kindly and appreciate you.

Customer:

that was her until she had to get mean because I simply wasn't listening to her

DrJackiePhD :

OK. Backup--do you hear yourself? You are justifying her actions! She "had to get mean" is simply not true. No one HAS to get mean. She could have continued to state things matter-of-factly or even requested you not talk for a few days until you really thought about her words. But to justify her meanness? No, there is never a reason for that. You can be blunt or clear without being mean.

Customer:

she gets all worked up if I dont talk to ther

Customer:

her*

Customer:

The other day I deactivated my facebook, she texts me on whatsapp, then a phone call to say that I blocked her

DrJackiePhD :

Again, you are trying to please her. Right now you are the focus, not her. You HAVE to think about your feelings right now. This is for your mental health--to get and feel better.

DrJackiePhD :

Did you block her? Is that because of your parents? Or do you want time away from her just for now? Because I would support that that you need to be away from her for awhile to protect your own mental health.

Customer:

No I have never blocked her

Customer:

shes done it to me but never to her

DrJackiePhD :

Oh, you said she called you to let you know you blocked her. Maybe I misunderstood?

Customer:

She calls me directly to my cellphone just to say why have you deactivated your facebook and why have you blocked me

Customer:

then she says I was having banter

DrJackiePhD :

Just to let you know, I have continued to pause the timer, but the system is probably going to cut us off soon since it's been probably an hour, not 10 minutes. After so many pauses, the system will override us. Just letting you know in case we get cut off.

Customer:

ok

Customer:

well if you can sum up everything and how I can get in contact with you again that would be very useful

DrJackiePhD :

But you have to do what is right for you. Right now, the bot***** *****ne is that you can't really be a good relationship partner. It's not because you are a bad person. It's because you need to get emotionally healthy first before you can be any good to someone else. Does that make sense? And it really goes back to your living situation. I can't imagine how hard this would be since your culture is very different. But all in all, it's YOUR life and YOU have to live it and therefore YOU have to make decisions. And I want you to make decisions that help YOU. It really seems like you need to be living in a positive environment--which means away from your parents.

DrJackiePhD :

You can always re-post a question--just ask for Dr. Jackie. I'm on almost every day. And we can even make plans now if you want to talk again later in the week, tomorrow, etc.

Customer:

are you able to post an email on here or is it not possible

DrJackiePhD :

You mean a private email? We are not allowed to. But after we have talked once or twice, we are allowed to exchange phone numbers and/or SKYPE contact info. And those means of communication are more private.

Customer:

yes skype is fine

DrJackiePhD :

OK. I will send you a request for that. And since I haven't used SKYPE in about a year, I have to look up my password ***** make sure I still have access! lol!

Customer:

lol!

Customer:

you can contact me right

DrJackiePhD :

Just please rate me higher this time if you would. And then once you have my phone number, yes, you can text me and let me know when you want to talk again. But I'll send you the request for sure shortly after we log off.

Customer:

I willl do that right now

DrJackiePhD :

OK. I hope you feel better. And please if you think dark thoughts, you have to let me know you won't do anything until we talk or you will talk to someone else.

Customer:

but I havent pressed submit yet

Customer:

yes thank you very much and God Bless you

DrJackiePhD :

OK. I just wanted to make sure you were OK before we logged off.

Customer:

I am feeling better

DrJackiePhD :

Yes, you too!

DrJackiePhD, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 347
Experience: I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.
DrJackiePhD and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thank you once again

Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 2 years ago.
Sure. And you should have the information now so I'll wait to hear from you.

Take good care of yourself!

--Dr. Jackie

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