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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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Hello, I need some help regarding a situation. I recently

Resolved Question:

Hello,
I need some help regarding a situation. I recently broke up with my boyfriend as he said he didn't want children. He has no told me that he's scared of having them and wants to be go to counselling to help. He wants to see if he can change is mind as he says he wants to be with me. He wants me to wait while he tries to make a decision. I feel so torn as I want to wait, but equally I can't wait forever as my biological clock is ticking. I think he has committment issues too as I am his first proper relationship in 10 years, after his divorce. I don't know how to deal with the situation. I met him at the weekend, but there has been no contact since. He said he would book an appointment this week to start counselling. I know he is a good guy, but he has a lot of work to do on himself, and generally needs to grow up. My mind is consumed with it all, and the whole situation is making me feel unhappy.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 3 years ago.
Hello. What you need to do is decide on a time line for yourself. You say you can't wait "forever" but you need to define forever. Another thing to consider, you did not say how old you were, but in concern with children, how much time would it take to meet another really good guy who does want kids and to get started on that ? Compare the two. What if you find that it is more difficult than you think to find someone new, who you feel comfortable with and go through the entire process of a new relationship and THEN have kids with them ?
Now you also have to consider this current guy and how much time you already have invested in him and how much more you want to put into it given the situation. What if he goes through counseling and decides he still doesn't want kids or that you pressure him into it, he says yes, you get pregnant, then he gets scared again and leaves you? Which of these scenarios are least stressful for you to think about handling ?
Of course the ideal is to meet someone, fall in love, have kids and live happily ever after, but at this point, you have a few choices, one of which could lead you there but will take more time than possibly this current guy. Would being with your current guy make you happy if he did decide to have kids with you ??
It is a tough choice and one only you can make of course. All I can say is to carefully weigh out the scenarios and possibilities you have in front of you and make the best choice you can,knowing there are no guarantees.
If the situation makes you unhappy, maybe you need to step away for a bit and take some time to yourself, by yourself an and try to have some clear thoughts on the matter.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Hi,

I feel so confused now having read all the options. I think the issue is to do with his fear of committment also as he's emotionally mature and withdraws easily now we talking about emotional issue. And doesn't contact me as much as he used, but responds to my calls and messages. I am 38 and I'm not sure if I will find someone in time to be able to have the family that I want. I have been trying internet dating for a while and it is very tiring. At the moment I feel every option there is no guarantee. I'm feeling so despondent at the moment. But I do love this guy and believe he will be good partner and father if he sorts himself out. What do I do?

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 3 years ago.
Well, there is certainly no guarantee in ANYTHING we choose to do. Not that I'm sure that helps you right now, but it is the truth. It sounds like there are some other issues you both need to sort out as far as his withdrawal emotionally. Keep in mind, it is common for men to not be nearly as emotionally communicative as women are. Perhaps you could attend counseling WITH him ? Is this an option for you both ?
If you believe he will be a good partner and father, I would say to give him some time. The fact he is showing the strength to seek help is a great sign! A lot of people would never do this.
If you can take some time by yourself, just to kind of get away a bit and relax and clear your mind, maybe even write your feelings down on paper, you might find some things easier to visit. Writing things down seems simple, but it is a surprisingly good exercise. Not to give to anyone, but just to get some feelings out. Try not to make a decision while you are so stressed Find something to relax yourself and find clarity.
Dr. Paige and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Hello,

What do you mean issues that we need to sort out? We were only together 7 months and things progressed quite quickly. I am having counselling myself at the moment. He's withdrawing more now that we've broken up, and we were both crying/upset when we broke up. I do want to wait for him a bit, but it is difficult situation. How much time do I invest in this waiting period, as I don't want to get hurt again, as like you say there are no guarantees. I mean how often do I make contact etc. Maybe I'm thinking about it too much. I would really like to meet someone that I can share my life with. Its so hard. He said the same thing that its hard to manage this situation. I would love to be speaking to him everyday, like we used to but I know things have changed. He is generally a closed person in terms of expressing his feelings, and he said that I make him feel as I'm more open about my feelings. I do write things down, but the situation is tricky as I'm in love with him.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Hello,

What do you mean issues that we need to sort out? We were only together 7 months and things progressed quite quickly. I am having counselling myself at the moment. He's withdrawing more now that we've broken up, and we were both crying/upset when we broke up. I do want to wait for him a bit, but it is difficult situation. How much time do I invest in this waiting period, as I don't want to get hurt again, as like you say there are no guarantees. I mean how often do I make contact etc. Maybe I'm thinking about it too much. I would really like to meet someone that I can share my life with. Its so hard. He said the same thing that its hard to manage this situation. I would love to be speaking to him everyday, like we used to but I know things have changed. He is generally a closed person in terms of expressing his feelings, and he said that I make him feel as I'm more open about my feelings. I do write things down, but the situation is tricky as I'm in love with him.


Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Relist: Other.
My counsellor has not answered my question and I keep getting emails about rating the service. I have been waiting for a response for a while.
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 3 years ago.
Hello. You didn't say it was only 7 months you were together. When you said he had some growing up to do, it sounded like there were some other issues to work out, not JUST the child situation.
You both can certainly work through this together, but as you said, the time situation is weighing on you.
The bot***** *****ne is, do you take the chance to wait on him or move on? Only you can answer that of course. My advice to you would be to think about a time line and then wait for him for whatever length of time you decide you want to. There is no right or wrong length of time, it's what you are comfortable with.