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David Akiva
David Akiva, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 167
Experience:  MA
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I think I may be heading for divorce what should I do, should

Resolved Question:

I think I may be heading for divorce what should I do, should I stay or go?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  David Akiva replied 2 years ago.
David Akiva :

Welcome! I'm a Relationship Expert with A Background in Professional Couple's Counseling. I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this right now. But you know what? I need some detailed information about your situation to better provide a high quality answer:

David Akiva :

Do you mind telling me what the top 1-3 relationship problems? When did your problem or problems start?

David Akiva :

Hi! I see you're in chat. I need more info please.

Customer: My relationship seems to have broken down, I've tried all sort, from helping him with his debts , to making extra effort in the home.
Customer: I get no support, had quite a bad health scare
Customer: he doesn't do anything around the house
Customer: and there is no asking me how my day has been let alone saying he loves me
David Akiva :

How long have you been married?

Customer: 6 years
David Akiva :

What would your husband say if he were here and I could ask him what the top 1-3 problems were in your relationship?

David Akiva :

Is he happy?

Customer: He would say money, his job and I don't know about his 3
David Akiva :

Ok so he's having money stress and doesn't like his job?

Customer: no he isn't happy, I think he might be depressed
Customer: I also think he might resent me a bit
David Akiva :

why resent you?

Customer: When I met him I worked for a company, got made redundant and I've now set up my own successful business from nothing
David Akiva :

I see. Thank you for clarifying.

Customer: No problem
David Akiva :

I know that it is incredibly important for a man these days to feel like he is making a solid contribution financially, that he can be depended upon to take care of his family....

David Akiva :

I think that in a situation like the one you describe it's critical to get an emotionally focused conversation going. I think a very good place for you to start will be to read a book by the world's leading couples therapist an researcher.

David Akiva :

Let me start by getting you a link:

David Akiva :

Here's the book I'm talking about: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yn03y2ixwtU

David Akiva :

you may have to cut and past the link into your browser. I just got it off YouTube for you.

David Akiva :

The vast majority of marriages experiencing the kind of problems you are describing can not only be saved but you can actually build a much deeper, more profound emotional connection then ever before.

David Akiva :

You've heard it 100's of times I bet. but the life blood of a healthy marriage is effective communication.

David Akiva :

I'm recommending this book because it guides you through a conversation together - the book asks the sensitive questions that need to be asked in your relationship right now - but you both answer.

David Akiva :

The learning can be profound. You can surface emotional insecurities, past hurts, current anxieties in a very structured way with this book, and most importantly learn how to deeply connect and expand that connection of intimacy by soothing and reassuring each other.

David Akiva :

Money and job problems are on the top 5 list of the most common marriage problems leading to divorce. It's become worse with recent economic downturns etc.

David Akiva :

You're husband may need to know that he's safe with you no matter what happens, as long as he's doing everything he can to improve things money wise.

David Akiva :

You mentioned depression too. I was reminded of this book for you, because the author conducted recent research that showed this communication approach in counseling actually cured clinically significant depression when 1 partner had it simply by creating deeper connection and emotional intimacy between the partners....

David Akiva :

There was no depression treatment.

David Akiva :

As you read the book together (you could make a date each night for a week of it) you may surface issues around finance (likely based on what you've said here) or maybe even more serious mental health issues (statistically unlikely) and then you can take next steps to rectify those problems.

David Akiva :

For example, career counseling/coaching can be powerful for finding the right kind of work. So can working with a financial expert.

David Akiva :

Also when in general, you want to avoid certain communication patterns, especially when times are difficult. Let me get you another link; back in a few moments...

David Akiva :

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CbJPaQY_1dc

David Akiva :

...

David Akiva :

You want to avoid criticism and defensiveness at all costs when a marriage is facing problems.

David Akiva :

You also want to correct the pattern of shutting down communication and emotions, because this is where effective communication is most critical.

David Akiva :

Do you think your husband might be open to learning and doing more about effective couples communication in your relationship?

David Akiva :

Oh here's another great find:

David Akiva :

The 5 love languages builds a lot of the strategy I'm recommending here for your couple's communication in a very simple and powerful model.

Customer: I just don't know if I love him anymore
David Akiva :

Ah that's a different question... and a very normal one.

David Akiva :

Do you mind telling more about what you're feeling and why you may think you've fallen out of love?

Customer: Because he doesn't support me, or make any effort towards me, I feel spurned
Customer: And there has been a case of domestic violence
David Akiva :

I'm very sorry to hear that. The lack of effort is fixable. Partner violence is another thing. Do you mind sharing a bit about what happened?

David Akiva :

I'm going to pause the timer because we only have 11 minutes left in chat from 1 hour.

David Akiva :

I'll check in a few minutes for your detailed response....

David Akiva :

ok thought I'd check back to see if you had a chance to respond.

Customer: Sorry I'm just at work
David Akiva :

no problem. But we are limited to an hour.

David Akiva :

If there's been partner violence there needs to be a safety plan. You may also want to consider specialized counseling.

David Akiva :

I notice you're offline. So I'll check back in about 30 minutes for your response. If you're back an I'm not, please give me a detailed account of what happened and the level of risk you see in your relationship for any more violence..

Customer: I
Customer: he only did it the once but I lost my baby and I don't think I've been able to forgive him
Customer: Can you pause the timer after your next answer please?
David Akiva :

I am so sorry to hear that! Sound's like that's the actually the top relationship problem you're facing. Yes pausing now. Also please take a look at this link: http://www.psychotherapy.net/article/couples-abuse-assessment

David Akiva, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 167
Experience: MA
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