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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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Me and my ex girlfriend split 3 months ago after a year and

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Me and my ex girlfriend split 3 months ago after a year and a half together, it was a fairly friendly split, no cheating, violence, drinking etc etc - She ended the relationship then got with someone within a couple of weeks (I know 100% this was not while we were together) towards the end she was torn because she said I was perfect in every way but something wasn't there - it was a very difficult decision for her - I have not made contact since she told me that she had moved on, however every week or so I will get a text about something trivial to initiate a conversation - but she always manages to get into the conversation all the amazing things they (apparently) do together, it almost sounds too perfect - then she will ask about my love life and then just general small talk - then I wont here from her again for a fortnight, a couple of weeks ago she text me drunk to see if I was out and wanted to say hi, I know she was out with her new boyfriend for the evening, not quite sure if he was there at that point - I declined but we text back and fourth saying how we missed our "banter" and were quite sweet with each other, I didnt text back the following day incase she felt awkward or guilty in some way - I guess my question is, is she simply being friendly? (because if I was happy with someone I wouldn't dream of texting an ex) or is there something there? I still love her very much but I simply dont know what to make of it - like I said she has been with this guy 10 weeks or so and from what I know of it sounds pretty perfect, she has introduced him to her family and her young sons life - an awful lot seems to have happened quickly.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
Hello. I think the actual truth is somewhere in the middle of this. She is probably being friendly but also may not be as happy as she is making it sound.
The best thing to do in this situation is to just ask her straight out what her intentions are. Explain to her that you want to move on with your life and it's difficult to find another if she is still talking with you. Ask her if she is just wanting to be friends or what her intentions are. Its possible she is in a great situation with her new boyfriend and she feels comfortable being able to have a friendship with you without threatening her current relationship.
So the bot***** *****ne is her behavior could indicate several things based on what her personality is. If she is the straight forward kind of person, then this is what it is. Just being friendly. If she is the type to play games a little bit, manipulate situations, etc... she may be playing with you a little. You know her much better than I would obviously as I have not met her and only am speaking to you via Internet, so this would be your gut feeling. You need to either ask her in a blunt way why she is continuing to speak with you, or tell her you have found someone and are trying to move on. I don't advocate lying to another person, but if you come to the conclusion you think she is playing a game with you, it may be an option to make her show her cards.
Honestly is always the best way to go.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Hi,

Thankyou for the quick response, she is not straight to the point at all, she is terrible at making a decisions, she does change her mind a lot- im not sure if I want to push her when she is in what appears to be a "honeymoon period" because I do not want to push her further away, although we are getting on I don't feel as if I could ask her that question yet- Is it normal to go out your way to tell an ex how great everything is? or to even stay in touch at all so soon in a new relationship? if I was to say i've found someone surely I run the risk of pushing her closer to her new boyfriend??

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
Ok, well if that is her personality, then certainly it dictates how you should respond. If she has a problem making up her mind, etc.. as you say, then i would bet things might be going fine with her new boyfriend but not as perfect as she leads on. She is probably trying to get a reaction out of you based on the things she says to see if you are still interested in her. If she likes attention, this makes perfect sense. She is just checking in to make sure she still has you available to her for whatever she feels she needs at the time.
The problem with this is, things will keep going this way for as long as she wants it to. Think about what happens when you do meet someone new. How will your new girlfriend feel about you continuing to talk to your ex ? Where is the line going to be drawn?? Are you ok being friends with her or do you really want to have something more with her ? This is going to determine how this is going to go. If you really want another shot at a relationship, you may be in for a huge disappointment if she is dragging you around. If you are ok being friends with her, that's fine, but as I said, some women may not like that, when you do move on. So there are some things to consider. What if she tests you and you do not text her back for a few days? How does she react ? If she gets a little irritated with you for not being there for her, this could be a red flag in that she wants to have control over you in some way. Again, just some things to consider here.
It really all comes down to how you feel about her, what YOUR expectations are and what you are ok with and what you aren't.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

That makes lots of sense, thats exactly what I feel she is doing by keeping the lines of contact open, and she has asked me more than once "you are over it aren't you" for which I reply yes I am, but still gutted it didn't work out or along those lines, I have not once reacted to anything she has said to provoke me, so I assume that is why she keeps prodding -when I dont respond straight away to messages I know she gets irritated- I'd like nothing more than to get back with her, I am kind of hoping this is a rebound and she will come to her senses, but I am also fully aware that she could live happily ever after with this guy and ill have to deal with that when I think thats the case - I would not be happy just to carry on as her friend, I guess soon if nothing comes of this, that is when the friendship will surely fizzle out - and if I was to move on and was happy I know I would cut off all contact completely with my ex because thats the right thing to do- Hope that gives you a bit of an insight to her personality, so do you think I should carry on being polite and see what happens or just cut her off for good now to save anymore hurt ?

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
That's up to you. I think you should withdraw a bit from her and see what happens. My guess is she would get irritated with you, but you should just stay the course. What will happen is, she will be forced to make a decision. Right now, she doesn't need to. She has a new guy but she still has you as an option. If she feels her option is fading away, she will panic a bit and force herself into a corner. You don't have to cut things off totally, but I would definitely not be so ready to respond to her and put more distance there.
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.

I totally agree, thats why have been not so quick to rspond to her recently - Thankyou for your time - its been really helpful

What will be will be!

I will rate this now.

Thanks again

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
Thank you. Please let me know what happens and if I can be further help. Have a good evening.

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