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Eveningstargazer
Eveningstargazer, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 155
Experience:  Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT)
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I am living away from my husband since last 1 year because

Resolved Question:

I am living away from my husband since last 1 year because of his abusive behavior towards me and the children when they left home because of his violent behavior.
last year there was an non molestion order against him not to contact me as there was court case
and occupation order
he had moved into another property for 1 day managed to convince the judge that he could not live there as it was not adapted as he is disabled
so judge asked me to live in the small property instead
afterwards he begged me to drop the case i had to cancel the case for the sake of family and grandchirdren
Recently as he had a medical emergency i was asked to go to see him
i tried to help but i didnot not stay there
recently i have had my own medical issues and donot want to go there and help
now he tries his best to tell me he wants me to go back to him to live with him as husband and wife
our children are grown up and live seperately
whenever i go there i feel i cannot deal with his argumentative nature He is a bully
and makes me feel intimidated he admits he has a strong personality
Some times He is very sweet and he says he wants me back
now he is putting emotional pressure on me to go back and live with him
I DONOT WANT TO LIVE WITH HIM as i want my financial security
and i donot feel safe with him
please advise
Regards
ab
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Eveningstargazer replied 2 years ago.
Customer:

Good evening, I will be doing my best to assist you with this situation.

Customer:

First and foremost, you should never feel that you are being forced into a situation in which you feel unsafe.

Customer:

This is clearly causing significant discomfort in your life and you have taken some incredible steps to create a life for yourself without him. It seems you feel that there are many elements working against you. This is not uncommon for individuals in abusive relationship.

Customer:

However, as you stated, if you feel you are a prisoner, this is no way to try to live your life. You have taken steps to protect yourself such as through a court order. This is an excellent first step. However, just as you have remained firm with regards ***** ***** the home when you feel threatened, you must try to be firm and let the court case work itself threough

Customer:

I understand that you have had to cancel this case, may I ask what drove you to this? You cite "for the sake of family and grandchildren" What do you mean by this?

Customer :

my daughter was due to give birth in that month and for the sake of peace of the family , requests from my husband and the court date of hearing so that he could explain his behavior -answer to my reasons why i had left home was 6 months away

Customer :

moreever i didnot have any where suitable to live with just few clothes

Customer :

i had a rough time surviving he promised me that i could live in the second property

Customer :

as long as i cancelled the case i still have his email in my inbox

Customer :

as this property is in my name i donot to to be homeless again

Customer:

This is not unusual in domestic violence situations. It can be scary, confusing and frustrating. If you are able, begin exploring options for being on your own. This could potentially include other family members, or potential social services. As you have learned, you will need to do this on your own, rather than relying on his promises. If he has not followed through on his end of the deal, it will be difficult for you to begin establishing your own independent life. There are several options here. I can see how frustrating it would be to feel as though you are forced into homelessness when you are the victim in the relationship. Another option would be to begin exploring ways to transfer the second property into your name, potentially in an exchange with your primary property (please consult a lawyer with regards ***** ***** potential options here)

Customer:

As difficult as it may feel, you will need to remain as strong as you have been over the past year

Customer:

Again, it is about not feeling trapped and beginning to establish an independent lifestyle for yourself. Respect for yourself is the priority, you should continue to make choices that serve this purpose

Customer :

i have been strong but he tries war of words or loyalty towards him telling me he loves me i am unable to argue with him he wants me to children we are together

Customer :

but he is never in the listenning mode always thinks he is right

Customer :

i donot want to lbe dependent on him with him controlling everything

Customer :

i just wanted security till i die

Customer:

You have done so many things to show your strength. Unfortunately, individuals such as the man you are describing struggle to change their patterns. Depending on how safe you feel doing this, you may approach him with regards ***** ***** couples counseling in order to begin repairing the relationship you once had. You are completely correct with regards ***** ***** insight. Making you feel as though you rely completely on him is his way of showing you that you aren't "strong enough" You know that this is not the case however, you know you are strong

Customer :

my children want to see me safe somewhere near where are living i want to spend some time with grandchildren before my health goes worse than what it is

Eveningstargazer, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 155
Experience: Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT)
Eveningstargazer and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Eveningstargazer replied 2 years ago.
I'm sorry that our chat time had run out, please continue the conversation here
Expert:  Eveningstargazer replied 2 years ago.
Because it appears that your children are so supportive of you, I would think very strongly about the potential outlets and opportunities you have. Look into resources in your area with regards ***** ***** for domestic abuse victims. Although I understand that you would not like to go forward with a shelter, they may be able to provide you with financial resources which can get your feet under you while you find other potential options.
Expert:  Eveningstargazer replied 2 years ago.
Thank you for the rating. Please feel free to come back here and ask any addition questions you might have. Thank you for your question today and always remember that you come first, you can only take care of others if you take care of yourself.

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