We did talk before but all of the communication between us was deleted so i didn't know how to contact. My preference is to speak to you!
I havent dealt with anybody else since we last spoke and did think about therapy but because we sat down with my parents it did help.
Thank you, ***** ***** help and makes a lot of sense. We have already done that in some respect. The problem is, we are leaving in 3 weeks, so time is pressing,
We don't have any information on him at the moment so its difficult to plan and time is running out. Michelle has said obviously if the worst happens and he is going to die soon, then we will not go, and we will postpone. If he has to have surgery then it is a good thing because if they can operate then he can be cured. I wouldn't be here for the operation.
I think it goes back to me worrying about what my parents will think or if it makes me a bad person to go when my dad is going through an operation or treatment.
I don't think putting the move off for a couple of months is going to help. I will be able to Skype everyday and call, and after 3 months i can come back to the uk, then potentially come back regularly. As i said i don't know if putting off the move is the best thing, Michelle is pregnant, we have no where to live and then in 2 months if we did have temp accommodation we could have the same problem.
Im so lost as to what to do
Thank you Kate, that it pretty much what Michelle said! You are right, if i had their support, which I'm not saying i don't, then i would feel fine with moving.
Should i need their approval? Am I a bad person by not putting my Dad first whilst he is ill?
What happens if i go and then he has an operation and dies?
Im just not sure that putting off the move by 1 month may not make any difference
Thank you Kate, that is really helpful. I am doing my parents an injustice because they haven't said anything and have not been weird about me going. I suppose going on the past I'm just thinking they might do this and make me the bad guy for leaving. I suppose i still think their way a little and feel like i should drop everything and be there. I know i am not putting my wife or son first and i don't know how to deal with that. I guess what I'm trying to say is that they haven't said or acted in a way that would make me think they would be annoyed about me leaving, but I am worried about what they think. I'm more worried about what they think than what Michelle thinks. I can't believe i just said that.
If she is annoyed I'm fine but if they are then i get nervous and anxious. As well as being sad for my Dad and anxious about him, i am feeling anxious about the leaving situation. It is exactly as you said, if they phoned me tomorrow and said its fine that you are going, i would have their approval and i would be fine.
Why is that?
Just to give you an update, my Dad has found out the cancer has not spread and he can have a operation to remove the tumor. This is a very long operation but it means afterwards he would be cancer free.
I am still struggling with the fact that i will not be here for the operation. It looks like it will be in the next couple of weeks. I have spoken to my parents about the fact that we will not be there and they are fine.
I spoke to a friend of mine today who has been through this before. He told me that i should be there and that this is probably the biggest thing my Dad has been through. He does understand my situation, and does understand. I know that i dont have to listen to him but it just has me thinking.
I suppose what im saying is that when talking with Michelle i was hoping that she would say, we will do whatever we need to be there for your Dad. If we need to stay then we will and we can cancel Australia. She didnt do that and by her suggesting that we cant cancel, have nowhere to live, she is pregnant etc, just put added pressure on me. Also to not upset her, when i feel like she doesnt matter at the moment? Is that wrong?
It sounds like the issue here is control. You are calling your father and family in order to be there as much as you can for your father. And you also want to know how he is doing and show you care. But for some reason, this has become about controlling how you communicate rather than just the fact that you call because you care.
The other issue is Michelle. The problem there seems to be her commenting on your conversations with your family. What you want to find out is why she feels the need to comment on your conversations. Is it because she feels left out? Or hurt by the treatment from your family? Or is she also seeking some sort of control over you? Once you know why she is commenting, it is easier to address.
One of the most important things being left out here is what you want. You are being put between Michelle, your family and their issues. Each side wants you to do something, neither of which makes you happy or addresses what you want or need. Yet both your family and Michelle care for you and love you. So why are your needs not being addressed here? It is important to focus on what you need to make this work because that is going to address the issues you are dealing with.
Start by talking to both sides. With Michelle, once you find out why she is commenting on your conversations, try to address it. For example, if it is because she feels left out, tell her that you will either include her in the conversations or let her know once you are done talking with your family what was said. That way, she does not feel the need to stay around and comment.
With your family, stand your ground. Decide what kind of communication you are able to do at the time, and stick to it. So if you decide to call one day and your family protests because it is not face time, you can say that it is all you can do now and if they are that upset about it, you will call back later. Or ask why it's so important that you called instead of face time, since your point in calling is to check on your father, not the method you used to contact them.
Also, if you feel you are talking to them too much, cut back. It does not mean you care any less if you don't call several times a day or however many times you call. You care just as much no matter what. And someone's medical condition does not change that much that it would require you calling each day. If something changes, your family will let you know.
The main point here is putting your needs first since no one on either side seems to be doing that. They are all pushing their own agendas. So you will have to push your own. You are not doing anything wrong by saying what works for you. And if they protest, make that their issue, not yours. Their protesting is more about not getting their way and losing control over you than anything else. But if it continues as it is, the only person who is going to be unhappy is you because your needs are being ignored.
I think that Michelle still feels hurt by my family. And whilst it is sad what has happened to my Dad, we should be analysing and talking about every little detail. We should move on and deal with the situations as they happen, and then move on. My dad has been let down a lot by the hospital and my parents want to talk to me about it and get my opinion.
I will try that with my mum or sister next time. The problem is they will say "ok, then call us when you can face time" If i tell them i don't know when i can next face time, they will want a reason why i can't.
Or if i call and they say they want to face time, i will have to give a reason why i can't face time. I don't know how to handle that and just say no.
Hope you are well, we haven't spoken in a while and we are now settled (sort of!) in South Africa. I still have to travel a lot up until Dec but after that i will be.
I am trying to distance myself from my parents and keep them at arms length and feel that it is working better and i am able to cope better and deal better with them.
I still get very anxious when they do things, and it makes it difficult but i am trying to live my life the way i want to and do whats best for Michelle and the kids. If they fit in great, if they don't then thats is there problem. I know that sounds harsh, but having the country barrier, to me, is helping.
The reason i connected you is that my sister has now had a baby and that has taken the pressure from me and my family and now my parents have a grandchild in the uk. I spoke with my Dad the other day and do do a lot but we were discussing him coming to visit me in Dubai whilst i travel. We spoke over the phone for a bit and i invited him and he liked the idea, he talked about my sister and her baby etc. I then got an email from my mum saying dads iPad isn't charging so he couldn't email me, but he would loved to come, and then she made a joke about him being forgetful. I replied saying that yes he is forgetful, not forgetful enough to talk to me about my sister and her baby but forgetful enough to not ask about Michelle or my children. I know it was a petty thing to say, but i just felt it had to be said!