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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5809
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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How can I deal with the resentment I have towards my boyfriend

Resolved Question:

How can I deal with the resentment I have towards my boyfriend of two years secretly getting another woman pregnant when we first met. And keeping it a secret till she had the baby ?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 2 years ago.

Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

Resentment towards someone is often a cover for pain. When your boyfriend had a relationship with this other woman and had a child with her then lied about it, that can affect your ability to trust him or believe anything he tells you. And trust is the basis of any relationship. You have to be able to trust him to be with him. And he has made that very hard for you to do.

If you feel that you want to try to repair your relationship with him, you can work on your resentment towards him. However, he needs to help you regain your trust. You cannot do this on your own.

One, is he sorry for what he did? This is important, because if he does not take responsibility, recovering your relationship will be difficult.

Two, has he tried to make amends to you for what he did? Is he open to you talking about it and asking questions (if you need to)? He has to be willing to share anything with you. He is the one to bring this other person into your relationship so he needs to be open to talking about it.

Three, is he willing to do what it takes to repair the relationship? While it is understandable that he has to pay child support, he needs to make your relationship his priority. And also be open to doing what it takes to make things better between you and help you feel safe.

These are some of the most important issues you both need to be working on. Also, counseling can help. Talk with your doctor about a referral to a therapist. If you attend church, talk with your pastor. Pastors are often good relationship counselors. Also, if you have problems affording therapy, try your local community mental health center. They can offer therapy on a sliding scale fee system.

The main issue is to rebuild trust. It can take a while and a lot of work, but you can do it as long as you both are motivated.

Here are some books that may help you:

Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David Lusterman.

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After
Infidelity by Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

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