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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5855
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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I don't know what to do. Basically my girlfriend doesn't want

Customer Question

I don’t know what to do. Basically my girlfriend doesn’t want to leave her former boyfriend and town to live with me in a different state because she is mostly scared of change. We talk everyday on the phone. She has even asked to marry me over the phone which I didn’t want to say yes to at the time because I wanted to ask her in person. Last week I asked her again over the phone and she said “I really want to say yes, it’s not a no either."
We have known each other for about 2 years now and have got extremely close on all levels. I wish there was something I could do to put this right but I don’t want to force her to do anything. She says she is still my girlfriend but is feeling “mixed emotions”. She says that she needs at least 2 weeks to see if she wants to stay with this other person or not because he has “showing signs of change”. I’m beyond scared right now of losing her. What can I do? I’ve never failed her once. Do I just sit back and let her get close to this guy? Or do I do something about it and intervene?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 3 years ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.
It sounds like you're right, your girlfriend may be scared of change. She not only does not want to leave her town, but she seems very reluctant to leave her former boyfriend even though she could be with you.
Why your girlfriend is with you yet still involved with her former boyfriend is unclear. She needs to make a decision about who she wants to be with. Keeping you guessing and dragging this decision out is not going to help. She has enough information now to decide what she feels. The fact that she is not deciding may be for many reasons, including a possible issue with dependency on her former boyfriend (she wants to wait until he decides if he wants to be with her- which is a possible sign of dependency) because of self esteem issues. Her reluctance to move also could be due to self esteem issues.
At this point, you need to decide if you want to wait for her. And consider that she may continue to do what she is doing now and not decide anytime soon. Her indecision about her former boyfriend is a big factor. She cannot continue with both relationships, she needs to end the other one. But you are right, until she is ready to do that on her own, you cannot force her. So that leaves it up to you to decide if you feel waiting is ok or if you feel you want to end the relationship and seek out other relationships. But consider that someone who depends on a former boyfriend to decide her future may not be ready for a solid, long term and trustworthy relationship.
I hope this has helped you,
Kate
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