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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5785
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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How do I approach my friend for her to talk to me?

Customer Question

How do I approach my friend to get her to talk to me? It has been 6 months since my friend spoke to me now, and she is still refusing to speak to me. She came to my door early one morning when I was still asleep, on my day off, without letting me know 6 months ago. I was still asleep when I went to the door, and she asked for her company's promotional brochure back, but proceeded to 'have a go' at me on the doorstep suggesting that I had been ignoring her phone calls. I always promptly reply to texts, as and when I can, and answer my mobile if I am not otherwise preoccupied. I never answer my house phone, unless someone says they will ring me on there. She then said for me to call her if I wanted to speak about things. I was very annoyed at this, and did not see why I should have to call her when I believe her actions were very rude to accuse me of ignoring her when I didn't know when these calls were supposed to be made. I tried to contact her via text recently, asking why I should be the one to call, and she ignored me. I tried to ask via facebook, but we go into a disagreement about it and she has cut me off. I am very upset as she is the only friend I had in Worcester since moving in January. I have asked another friend to call her, to talk to me as I am very upset with it all, and she won't answer the phone to him. What shall I do? I am very lonely and depressed here in Worcester now, and wonder why I bothered moving from London. Why does she think she is right, and everything I say is wrong? What do I do?

Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 2 years ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your questions.
It sounds like your friend had an expectation of you being there for her when she was upset. When you weren't, she took her feelings out on you. Usually in a friendship, this would be a matter of talking about the issue, working it out and continuing on as before. But it sounds like your friend might have other issues going on.
For one, she had expectations of you that you were not aware of. That is unfair to put on you. You cannot make an agreement in your mind then expect others to know what you want which sounds like what she did.
Two, communication appears to be an issue for your friend. She needs to realize that talking about things can help work them out. Cutting you off and ignoring you punishes her as well as you.
Three, your friend's behavior may indicate a personality disorder. When someone reacts to a situation by going to the extreme like your friend did, it may be because there is more going on than just what happened between you. For example, she might be extremely sensitive because of her past and instead of dealing with it, she poured her feelings into what happened between you. That may also explain why she feels she is right. From her point of view, she gets what she wants or she shuts the other person out. It could be the way she learned to cope with feeling hurt.
At this point since it has been half a year, you may want to consider moving on and finding new friends. That may not be very easy because you are pretty new to the area, but you only have to meet one person and go from there. Meet their friends or go with them to somewhere you can meet others. Try online groups as well. That is not the same as in person friends, but it may help ease your loneliness until you can find new friends. Also, join groups such as hobbies you are interested in or a class. If you work, try to get together with co workers. These things can help you feel less alone and let you meet new friends that treat you with the respect you deserve.
I hope this has helped you,
Kate
May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thank you for your advice. I am extremely upset, as I have known this friend for over 10 yrs now.

The problem I have is that she has the spare set of keys to my flat that I rent, and she lent me her vacuum cleaner, so need to meet up to resolve these.

My friend has tried to contact her via text and phone, but she doesn't repsond. He was hoping that him and us could all have a meeting to resolve all of this.

Do I write to her explaining that it is very important to meet up to resolve her misunderstanding and the two issues above?

Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 2 years ago.
You're welcome!
You may want to write her to ask her to meet to resolve the key and vacuum issue, but you may want to leave off asking her to deal with the misunderstanding. You want to see if she will agree to meet for something simple before you bring on something highly emotional. If she seems ok when you meet her for the key and vacuum exchange, then maybe you can talk about what happened between you.
Kate
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5785
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
TherapistMaryAnn and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

What do I do? My friend now doesn't want to know me at all. I called her yesterday, and all she seems to do is criticise me. I never seem to do anything right in her eyes.

Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 2 years ago.
Hello, it's good to hear from you again!
I'm happy to answer any follow up questions you may have that pertain to your original question when you post it. However, this is a new question requiring a different answer. Just Answer prefers that you open a new question page for new questions. This ensures that you get the best possible answers to your questions and that the expert providing your answers is paid for their time and expertise.
Also, when you do open a new question, you will need to rate your answer(s) so the expert helping you can be paid for their work.
If you would like me to respond to your new question once you post it, please put "Kate" at the beginning of your new question. That way, other experts do not answer it instead.
Thank you!
Kate

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