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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5313
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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Hi there, Ive been seeing this girl now for about 2 and

Customer Question

Hi there,
Ive been seeing this girl now for about 2 and half months. We met online, i sent her a facebook message and we started talking. She used to go out with a friend of mine but they finished now, we met a few months later and went on a few dates,
Im 23 and shes 17, now we've met up and been out like 7/8 times been to her house and shes been to mine, met each others families and everythings been fine.
She told me she loved me, and i told her i loved her.
Shes told me that shes scared of losing me and has asked me a a couple of times why im not going out with someone my own age? I said that i loved her , we get on, we laugh with each other and i generally feel myself around her.
She seems maybe anxious, but she loves me and wants to be with me, she feels the same about me as i do to her
Everythings been fine since almost a week ago where i went around hers, she lives in the middle of nowhere, we spent the day watching tv....a bit boring to be honest!
We got abit bored of each other - even though it was just one day! She said it reminded her of a sitaution with her ex...
Since then shes seemed different...shes had a shit week at work and maybe shes on her period...but she seems different with me?
I asked her the other night if shes okay?
Shes been abit down i know that - and she tells me she loves me and misses me but,
she told me that shes a little bit unsure about the age gap, that she feels im too mature for her and that shes hasn't really grown up enough i suppose,
However she still wants to see me and for things to work out??
She wants to meet the next week and go ice skating together with her friend and her boyfriend, she did say shes had a crap week and that she hasn't been herself.
But what do i do??
Does she want to be with me and shes just emtional?
Does she really doubt the relationship?
She said she hasn't told people that we are officially together yet as shes not sure...but said a week ago that we are together?
Shes wants things to be better next week, but what do i do??
Is she too young for me?? Is it all bit much for her?
We have had sex twice and that doesnt seem to be an issue.
Please help me!!
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 2 years ago.

Hi! I'll be glad to help you with this issue.

I can imagine how cnfusing this situation must be for you. You feel like you've found the right girl for you. And she seemed to have felt the same way. Then, all of a sudden, it seems like one bad week and she's wondering if you two are really right for each other. It all started from one bad day, boring day really, together.


And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about. One day means a lot right now because you two don't have that much information yet. About each other and, as important, about yourselves. You're both young and you're just finding out what your feelings are like for other people, etc.

I don't know if it's her period, a bad week, or something deeper that is causing the rift. And that's the point: you need to find out. That means, you need to give it some time and see how things develop.

If you two were twice your age and had already had many relationships that you were comparing this one to, perhaps you could tell at this stage if she's backing off for real from you or if it was just a bad week. Or if you really want to pursue the relationship with her or if she's too moody. But that's only a maybe if you two were twice your age. Even then you might not know enough at this early stage to tell.

Therefore, you have to accept you're not in the decision making stage right now; you're in the information gathering stage. You're seeing what she's like and she's seeing what you're like. In different situations, not just the optimal ones. And so allow yourself to see what she's like and don't feel so pressured to make a decision right away about why she's doing what she's doing, is something wrong, should you do something very different?

Instead, see how things develop in the next few weeks and that will tell you a lot more about what she's like, whether she is changing her mind, whether you like her as much as you did at first, and whole sorts of other questions. Give yourself time to find out more about her and how you feel about her by doing things with her and being normal, your normal self.

Okay, I wish you the very best!


My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me. If the answer has been helpful, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button so that I am credited for the answer. Bonuses are always appreciated! If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, ***** *****

Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5313
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
Dr. Mark and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thank for that it means alot!

In answer to your question, she changed her mood suddenly,

she said the other night that she regrets not seeing me that night and that she should have come seen me, she wanted a night in with her dad and it didnt go very well...

She said sorry to me and said that she missed me??

Now im confused because shes changed her mood again...

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 2 years ago.
Right. And that's what you need to be observing and paying attention to: ***** ***** changing moods within normal range or is it too much and will drive you batty if you stay in a relationship with her. You don't know yet and the important thing is not to feel pressure to decide so quickly. Give it some time to see how she is over a longer period of time; that will tell you whether it's too much or normal, okay?

All the best,
Dr. Mark
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Shes very emotional!

She said to me tonight that she feels shes lost me....

Ive not done anything, but she feels like she could lose me.

She said she wants to have her heart tingling again when she see's me,

Why is she so scared of losing me? How can I show her this isn't the case!

Im so confused ahhh!!

Thanks,

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 2 years ago.
You need to resist trying to make her world perfect because you can't. She has to be responsible for her own feeling. So, don't say ahhh!!! because that means you're making it your responsibility for her to feel good when you've done nothing to make her feel bad.

All the best,
Dr. Mark
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thanks for helping me on this,

Basically she came round the other night, everything was fine, we got on well.

What she was saying though is that she's kinda not sure about a relationship at the moment - its a bit 50/50.

She said, she feels our ages (shes 17 im 23) are bit, well shes unsure about, and that she doesn't feel the same kind of inside with feelings towards me. Like when i message her she doesn't seem keen on replying straight away - thats what she said.

Its almost like she loves me and wants to see/be with me but then doubts whether a relationship will work in the future?

This week we are going ice skating together with her friend and her boyfriend - but I dont no what to do?

Am i going as a friend? Or does she want to get to no me better?

She said i havent seen the real her, and she hasnt seen the real me?

Am I overthinking this? Should I just go with the flow and see what happens?

Last night we cuddled, kissed had sex etc.

She got home and said she missed me - but im still confused on where this is all going?

I dont want to keep seeing her if she knows deep down she doesnt want a relationship OR do I stop overthinking and just enjoy her company and see where things go? Seeing as she still loves me and we get on well?

We message each other frequently....Im still thinking that after her bad week she seems better in herself now

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 2 years ago.
Yes, you have indeed answered your own question: you are overthinking this.

She is correct that she's just 17 and most likely she doesn't know what she's feeling and she may also be correct that she's too young and inexperienced to tie herself down to a commitment to someone at this time.

What does overthinking mean? You have to stop trying to get so much in her head and get to what she's "really" trying to say, what she "really" means, etc. Rather, you have to just enjoy the experience of being with her. Is it as a friend or more?

You don't know and have no way of knowing right now. It is what it is and you need to just enjoy it as you're not in a rush to find someone to settle down with anyways. So, indeed: enjoy the time together. And here's the key:

If you STOP enjoying the time with her, whether because she's just too moody or keeps giving mixed signals (I want to be with you but we're getting too close, or whatever), and you're finding yourself not enjoying the time with her, then maybe you are the one who needs to pull back and say it's not working. But until then, let it develop as it does rather than microtuning it, which is not helping either one of you.

Okay, I wish you the very best!


My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me. If the answer has been helpful, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button so that I am credited for the answer. Bonuses are always appreciated! If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, ***** *****

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Hi there,

Things have been going okay recently between us both as peviously discussed,

We met up yesterday with some friends and all had a good day together which was alot of fun.

I know she still likes me (loves me) but she still said things between me and her are still up and down....

How should I approach this?

I couldnt sleep last and she text me like 1am saying could i not sleep, i was showing online so she saw,

We chatted and I told her that I still love her and sometimes I dont always express my feelings like I want to, that Im nervous and worried.

She currently feels that her head and heart are saying different things,

What are my best options? Should I hold back? Or Tell her more how I feel?

Im scared that if I just leave it she might lose interest,

How should I approach it??

Thanks for advising me

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 2 years ago.
Hi.

There is no right or wrong way here. She is conflicted: she knows she's young and she's afraid of making a commitment and then feeling like she's lost her opportunity to be young. That's fair. She's not ready to make a commitment.

You're not feeling that same hesitation, though you are also young. It's okay for you to share how you're feeling as long as you let her know that's what you're doing; that you're not trying to pressure her into something she's not ready for, that you're sharing what's going on with you. There is nothing wrong in doing this and it will help you feel better about yourself. So, keep on sharing what you're going through and feeling and let her share herself as well.

I'm happy to keep working on this thread but I would be very grateful if you would reciprocate by giving another positive rating or, I believe, you can also give a bonus instead.

All the best, ***** *****
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thans for all your help I have just given a positive rating for you.

We spoke last night and she said she thinks its best if we still stay as friends,

but she keeps messaging me saying Goodnight sweet dreams, pictures of lovehearts and telling me that when she smelt my scarf I left round hers she cried??

I thinks she messing me around. I cant deal with this..i like her so much but not in the mood for being messed around

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 2 years ago.
I don't think that she's consciously messing you around, but I think that she is messing you around without intending to.

She's young and doesn't want to commit herself. You want more of a relationship and she's resisting but she's not ready to say totally goodbye. So, it has the effect of messing you around but at the heart it's that she's not ready for a relationship.

And that's where you are: you are right, you are looking for something she can't give right now, so it may not be the right match.

The rating didn't go through, so if you would try again or instead make it a bonus (which might go through more easily) I'd be grateful.

All the best,
Dr. Mark
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

I basically said that I liked her but that I also need time to think and space,

I said we both need time and if she does change her mind let me know,

So the balls in her court, is that good thing to say?

Then she might feel that ive made the move an now she has to think what she wants maybe

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 2 years ago.
Only if you mean it. If you're going to say it and then stress out because she doesn't reply, then it's not a good thing to say. But if you're ready to let it be in her court for real, meaning accepting what she says, that she wants to stay as friends, then that's the right thing to say. But it means you may want to start dating other girls, then. So, make sure to only say what you really mean, okay?

Okay, I wish you the very best!


My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me. If the answer has been helpful, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button so that I am credited for the answer. Bonuses are always appreciated! If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, ***** *****

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Hi there, there's been progress with this girl since we last spoke,

I feel that she seems confused about her feelings for me - she does really like but I think she feels like she needs to find her feet first.

She said she wished she could have met me in a couple of years. Obviously shes 17 and im 23 - can see her point.

She has been abit quiet with me recently, but still saying things like im handsome and she misses me.

It's totally confusing me! I text her saying i feel like iam being messed around and i just want to no where i stand with her,

This is the message she sent me:

Haven't really played games tho have I lee, I've been uninterested since I said about this. Apart from one day where my head was confused. I haven't really spoken to you all week, apart from when you message me about my week.
You saw tom again, he knows nothing he hardly knew me when I was with him. I didn't even play games with him. I was with him I was very shy, then is don't feel it so ended it. Then we didn't speak afterwards.
Don't really understand what he meant by that then Face with tears of joy.
I know your not a kid lee and I'm not treating you like one if that's what your Thinking. I've been keeping my distance haven't you realised? No, you think I'm some sort of player or game women who like to play people around. When clearly I'm not.
You piss me off by saying things which aren't really true, your just like everyone else.
I'm not even intrested in anyone these day, coz everyone pisses me off so much.
I did actually love you lee, funnily enough I did. I really thiight you was the one, cheesy I know.
I'm not saying your a bad person at all, you treated me and spoke to me with respect, you treated me like I was a proper princess. I just wish I met you in 2 years time not now.
Lke I'm still finding my own feet, you've already found yours.
Also you having that car crash keep playing on my own, I worry about you driving again. Honestly do, you being in prison and shit creeps the f**k out of me.
I know it was a assitant and it didn't mean to happen. And I tried my hardest to get over it.
I realy do like you lee, but for me at the moment isn't the right time.
Your such a lovely kind gentleman, I cousins wished for anyone better lee, you need to understand this.
I find everything hard enkigh that I can't drive and that, I know we said it's not going to be the same for long, but I work such long hours and I'm always do tired. Just don't think it will change. I don't have find for my friends so how can I have time for a boyfriend?

Honestly lee, you perfect in every single way darling.
Ive actually gone all emotional.
I've tried to be distant with you but every time I do that with people I get this, everything you've just said.

Argh I djnt wanna loose you lee but I do think it's the right thing. Like I said your handsome, perfect and amazing in every way, don't anyone tell you different Heavy black heartGem stone

We spoke on the phone afterwards and she seemed okay with me - but her ex boyfriend kept saying she likes guys attention and telling me not to be in love with her as he has the same situation.

I dont feel that is her to be honest, shes a really nice girl, like we've good dates and times, met my family and likewise...

Where should I go from here? She spoke about maybe meeting in the new year as shes very busy before xmas but im not sure,

Should I just leave it, be a friend and maybe something will happen in the furure?

Or just forget her...

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 2 years ago.
Hi. It is very nice to hear from you and, while I haven't had the opportunity to read her message thoroughly, it seems as though the relationship is moving forward in some fashion or another.

I feel as though this is a request from me to take substantial time to help you with the message and the situation, which I'm very glad to do. But I would appreciate and consider it a sign of good faith if you would give a positive rating again to recognize my time in this.

Thank you and I look forward,
Dr. Mark

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