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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5838
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Kate - my friend I mentioned before won't talk to me now, what

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Kate - my friend I mentioned before won't talk to me now, what do I do?
I called her the other day after my partner persuaded me to as I was making myself Ill over this. I tried to explain my upset to her, but she kept interrupting and undermining everything I said, and told me I was self centred and used her. She now is saying that she refuses to talk to me, as if I was a friend I would have called her sooner. I am so upset, and have never had a problem like this before. What do I do?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 2 years ago.
Hello and thank you for requesting my help.
I'm sorry, but I'm not sure what friend you are referring to. I talk to many people with similar issues so I do not want to presume who you are talking about. If we spoke before, you might have changed your accounts or started a new one, because there is no history attached to this account name "Customer" so I cannot check back to see any previous conversations since there are none. If you can explain a bit of what we talked about before, I'd be happy to help!
Kate
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi, sorry yes this question is from my Ipad account. I'm referring to the friend that I mentioned is in Worcester, where I moved to in January. I mentioned that we haven't spoken for 6 months, after she had a go at me on my doorstep early in the morning, after she had suggested I was ignoring her phone calls. I don't know when these calls were made and if they were on my landline, but she doesn't believe me. I replied when I received her second text. We since had a disagreement via Facebook after she ignored my texts to talk. when we spoke the other day on phone she wouldn't listen to me and tried to belittle me at every occasion to make out I don't do anything right in our friendship. It has really hurt me and feel so lonely here; have been to gp for anxiety medication. She has got my spare set of keys but refuses to meet me in person I don't know what to do and want to go back to London. Is there any chance of reconciliation?
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 2 years ago.
Thank you for the additional information. I remember our conversation now.
When you try to get along with someone but they respond badly to your efforts, it is often a sign that there is something more to the situation than what is going on between you. If you have worked hard to make things better but your friend refuses to respond to you or even meet with you, that is a sign that she has issues herself that she is not willing to deal with, most likely that have nothing to do with you.
There are some people who use their relationships to express their issues. For example, your friend may see the effort you are making to try to reconcile with her. But because she has issues, she is refusing to allow the relationship to work so she sabotages each effort you make. Her refusal may have nothing to do with you but instead be about past issues she has never resolved, but you are paying the price anyway. Instead of dealing with her issues, she uses your relationship to feel better about herself by putting you down and blaming you for everything. If you compare this relationship to one that is normal, your friend would instead respond to your requests in a timely manner. If she did not want to be friends, she would politely end the relationship by letting you know she is moving on and why. Or she would slowly let the relationship end but not by outright refusing to see you, especially if you have a good reason to meet, or blaming everything on you.
Because it sounds like your friend may have deeper issues, you may want to try to let this relationship go. That can be hard if you are new to this place and are lonely. You want to keep that connection. But what it is costing you in emotional distress and effort is not worth the little she is willing to give you. And when a relationship hurts you more than it makes you happy, it is a huge sign that the relationship is wrong for you.
It may be that moving back to London is the best option for you now. You can stay where you are if you feel things will change for you, but if not, then moving back will give you what you need in friendships and familiar surroundings. Plus it will give you distance from this friend and end the dysfunctional interaction.
Kate
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
It seems so sad, as I have known her for 12 years and it has come to this, when I move to her city. It's not always been that close a friendship, but she seemed to think I would be able to be around a lot more than I can be, and be a partner in her business venture. I cannot give that much time due to work constraints, and it seems so sad that she thinks it ok to be rude to me about myself, and question my motives as a friend. Every day I wake up with such anxiety, and feel sick most of the time now
Thanks for helping me, even though the outcome is not a good one.
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 2 years ago.
You're welcome. Anytime.
I understand. It can be disappointing when you are friends with someone for so long to find out that when you spend more time together, it is not the friendship you thought it was. But often, issues that are filtered by distance do not show themselves until you are closer to each other. She sounds like she expects a lot of you and doesn't realize that you have your own needs, a sign that she might have issues that have nothing to do with you. Keep in mind that you have done what you can to make this work. But some relationships are just not workable because of other problems that have nothing to do with you and your efforts.
Kate
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