Dear Dr Norman
Thank you for your reply. I always felt my ex was thorn between me and his religion/ community, as he would accuse me of leading him down the wrong path and avoided the issue of committment, discussing future. His answer was that if Im in his life today, then Im in his life tomorrow. I was not satisfied with that answer. This is just one example.
My relationship with him was difficult: up and down, very emotionaly draining. I was feeling insecure, unstable and criticised in our relationship: I couldn't understand why he had issue with all the things he knew before he pursued me? Difference in colour, religion, education, values. I felt as if he was avoiding commitment and at times I felt I was that he actually targeted, knowing at the beginning of our relationship what his exit strategy will be. If he was so unhappy, he could have ended the relationship with me himself.
he accused me of hating his religion, colour, that I was disrespecting him because he wasn't/ isn't earning enough, that I do not trust him because he is a refugee, that i was planning to get rid of him (as he put it), that I was using him for sex only ... In hindsight it felt like tactic on his part, to prove to him my intetnions were genuine. It worked as I tolereated a lot of his behaviour, naively beleiving he is feeling thorn, insecure ... I was not allowed to have any expectations of him otherwise he would accuse me of making him feel guilty ie when I was pregnant and ill I mentioned to him that it would have been nice if he bought me oranges for examples and he got angry with me saying that he has no money as he bought a car and that I should know this. He added that I have no idea how difficult it is to be a man, that he is proud ... Of course I had to calm him down, reassure him and said that all I need is for him to tell me: I would love to buy you oranges but right now it is difficult for me because ... That way at least I know he is considering me.
I could not stand the double standrads: him angry if I spoke about a male or spoke to another male yet he would tell me about women pursuing him at work, re-telling me conversations with sexual connotations and when I told him it is making me feel insecure he said 'Good'.
There was a nice side to him, he can be very charming and is popular with people as he has a good sense of himour, is intelligent and attractive but it was like being with a drug addict: two people in one body. When he was away from his friends, religion he was ok. As soon as religion got in a way, he changed.
When I was pregnant, it was a nightmare. He had no consideration for me and added to my stress by saying I need to leave my job, how he will aways love a woman that is simple, doesnt work more than me; that he will take the child away from me (where is this right according to his religion or any other religion?). I have a strong work ethic and am proud of it, I do not need to feel ashamed, guilty because of that. he demanded that the child shoud have his name ... yet no mention of how he was intending to support us, where and how we woud live ... When i was severely ill, no visit from him and when I asked him afterwards why he didn't visit, he told me he cannot answer.
A year ago I was offered a promotion in another city which he encouraged me to take and said we will move together. That moving on his part never happened and I strongly suspect it was a manouver on his part to remove me from his environment so that he can continue seeing me whilst back in his 'home' town pretend to be an exemplary Muslim. I was isolate din a new city, starting afresh but it all turned out ok - I got another promotion so career progression.
I cannot live like that, where Im treated like a slave or something. As if I do not have the mind or voice. I am my own person and am highly educated and have a very good career. To be treated with him like in - to me - such disrespectful way is degrading.
There was a time I was considering converting, to make our relationship work. He wasn't keen but I think it was because he knew he had no intetnion of committing to me. Anyhow, having expereinced his double standards and lack of compassion I lost respect for his religion.
He never included me in their holidays and does not participate in mine as it is 'wrong'. Yet there are so many examples that he asked me to do things or he did that I now know are wrong according to Koran. So really he uses his relgion when it suits him. Now suddeny, he has guilty conscience of being with me because of Koran.
I feel very angry and grieved. I broke up with him kindly, no blame and accepting that I too made a mistake: I trusted him, I didn't do my research and made excuses for his behaviour. I thought I loved him and did not want him to feel tortured by being with me anymore - I now feel it was all pretence on his part just to perpetuate the non-committal state of our relationship, making himself a victim and not taking responsibility for his actions.
I feel used Dr Norman and I cannot comprehend how can one person who claims that they are religious do this to another human being? Lie and play with their life? I remember that one of my miscarriages was after three months of pregnancy and it was devastating and painful to me. He left me with no feeloing as it was Ramadan and for a whole month I did not hear from him. When I called him, he was shouting at me and telling me he cannot do anymore wrong. Why is it wrong to come and see me, prepare a meal for me, do shopping and assist me? That is compassion, helping someone that is vulnerable - at least that is what I was taught as I was growing up.
On the other hand he was hoping I would get pregnant - at least that is what he was telling me but as soon as I got pregnant it was like a dark cloud coming over him, as if he was angry with me and he changed. It was as if I suddenly didn't count and he could do completely as he wished with no consequences/ he expected me then to sit at home and wait for him to come to see me, cook for him (if I didn't cook to his satisfaction he would leave), tend to him and then he would ne off again. I felt as if getting me pregnant was his way of controling me: ensuring I stay at home and at sim;ly at his disposal.
What sends shivers down my spine is this: recenlty I discovered he had a loveheart on his key ring. I asked him where he got it from and he said he found it on the pavement. I was not convinced as he always took pride in his maculine image and I struggled to belive he found this love heart on the pavement, bent over and took the trouble to attach it to his key ring.
He bought a car recently and he placed this key ring on display as a decoration in his car, next to a small decoration - some quote from Koran. On the other side he keeps my har band with a small memoribila, something I gave him. I asked him about this love heart,as it seemed unusual to me that he was keeping it close to something related to Koran. He got a little flustered and said that he got this love heart from a 13 year old customer, that he knows i won't belive him but it is the truth. I did not belive him, my feeling was telling me something else. That was almost the last straw - the last straw was his attitude/ behavious during my pregnancy and I am horrified to think that there may be a possibility that he has someone else - possibly in his home country or here - a perfectly good Muslim whilst using me as a sex slave or something. I know he would not feel any guilt or remorse as with my background/ ethnicitty: white Christtian woman, to be dovorced I am nobody to him. Any child of ours ... I dread to think of consequences on that child and my suffering, pain seeing all that. I had a very lucky escape indeed and hope to never hear or see him again.
One of my best frinds is a Muslim - although not practising - and she keeps saying 'Good riddance'. I am aware of all that and I know I had a lucky escape. I have been studying Islam and his culture (Sudanese) although i swhould have done that long ago. Regardless of everything, i woudl hope he had a grain of decency, compassion toward me and realise it was my decsion to let him go so that he can be happy. I wish him all the best and for him to be a tleast courtious - if not genuine - and say 'Congratulations on your poromition/ new job, thnak you for everythin and all the best in the New Year would be apprecaited. However, considering all of his previous actions, it is unrealsitic of me to expect him to be nice at the very end when all this time he was the way he was. Surely he would be pleased I let him off the hook to find himself a nice Muslim girl?
Time is a great healer and I hope to get better in time.I know that i too had a lucky escape, it would have been much worse if i stayed with him and I should focus on that. Whereas I always condiered myself a liberal, open-minded, spiritual person I am afraid I have now become very cynical if not hostile toward Islam. I do not wish to go near it as I have no respect for it.
We will now be living in the same city and i hope never to meet him - we do not move in the same circles so it is unlikely. However, the world is small. I know if he were to meet me with another men, he will then say he was right all along that I am a loose woman and Christian, white women cannot be trusted. He told me at the beginning of our relationship that if a man is unfaithful, it is a woman's fault and if she finds him in the arms of another woman that she needs to throw herself in his arms and cry, that that would win him over. I put it down to him being a little immature, juvenile. Now ...
Recently he told me that he spent last two years or so getting to know me, working out what I like, what I dislike and that now it is my turn. I had no intentions of playing games Dr Norman: I was ready for a next step in our relationship. Besides, I allowed hi mto get to know me, let him into my life. i cannot do the same for him. I am not sure what he meant with that comment but of course he wouldn't explain and I have no intetnion of running after him trying to win favours with him whilst he is playing ho - cold game with me.
i hope thime will do its thing on me, help me heal and I shall also do my best to put it all out of my mind somehow. It is difficult but it would be more difficult if I had carried on for longer so that is my consolation.
It would benice if our parting was mutual, with respect as it is I feel disrespected and disregarded him even at this stage. When in a good faith I told him he is free to go and live his life the way it makes him happy and that I hope he will be happy.
Apologies for rant.